A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I stopped talking to my mum about 16 months ago, long story short, shes carried a lot of emotional baggage with her, since she split up with my dad over 20 years ago. She hasn't been with anyone since, and i am an only child, she has tried her hardest to brainwash me into hating my dad, as well as playing martyr mother, shes the one who has done 'everything for me' I owe her so much, guilt trips me all the time, I grew up living with her until about 25/26 and only realised once I left that I had been putting up with bundles of stress, and continued to see to her whims and emotional blackmail, until she was really horrible to me about something, which I felt I needed to draw a line at this point. She would ring me up and hurl verbal abuse, so I stopped answering, she'd hurl abuse at my voicemail, i turned off my voicemail, she hurled abuse on my text messages, so I just stopped responding too. and I made a few attempts to get her to listen, and to listen to her, went to her house with my uncle. But there was no listening, only ultimatums, that its her or dad, although this ultimatum was irrelevant to the original problem. To be honest, without sounding mean, but not having this stress in my life has been a wonderful lightening feeling. I don't miss the arguments, and stress and being told off everytime I don't answer my phone, the guilt trips.I do miss having a mum at times, but I think of the stress and I feel relieved. Work demands a lot of hours at the moment, and is stressful, I live by myself, have friends and a boyfriend, and have regular contact with my father.My family, some aunts, uncles, cousins, have made little contact with me, but I've always found them judgmental, mum has moved house, and I asked them for mums address to send a card, but they won't give me her new address. And say why not call her.I feel if I call, she'll think I have succumbed and 'need' her, and she'll be in 'charge' I feel as though she needs to understand why I have taken the decision to remove myself from her chaos, and that she cannot 'bully' me into doing what she wants me to do.This is a woman who has never said sorry in her life, has little friends, and has temper tantrums that make her own sisters disappear for months at a time with contact.I'm wondering what the best advice would be. I'm not yet ready to take on her stress again. But I feel I already know what will happen if I speak with her if I rebuild the relationship again. Even if I don't answer her calls, she rings my mobile until it answers. That stresses me out even if I don't speak. I imagine nothing will have changed in the last 16 months. I don't know if i keep my distance until she attempts to make an apology or something of the like. I've already tried talking, but she cannot rationalise. Everything she responds is 'how dare you speak to me like that i am your mother' 'I have given you everything'
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): If it was as easy as that, I already would have, intact i did. And all I got was ultimatums..
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 It sounds to me like you won't be getting an apology any time soon. I think the best way to move forward is to let go off all the past and make a fresh start. If you want your mother in your life then contact her but tell her it is a fresh start and ask her does she want a relationship. I am sure that she will want a relationship and if she is willing to just put the past behind you both then maybe you can both work on making a future relationship between the two of you. I guess it is worth a try.
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