A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, ive been with my boyfriend nearly 2years now and i don't trust him at all, please read all of this, i need advise on alot of things. Lets start from the beginning, he was engaged to a girl who cheated on him more than once and 6months after they got engaged she finished the relationship and kicked him out of their house for no apparent reason, 5months after this we met, after 2weeks of seeing each other every day his ex found out that he was seeing somebody else and decided that she wanted him back, he told me straight away and said he needed time to think because he was still in love with her (i know i should of walked away at this point) so i gave him some space, few days later he decided that he wanted to be with me, his ex was not happy about this and started txtin him and ringing him and sending him messages on facebook constantly, she also started making things up about me that werent true (i'd never met her before). Then one evening she threatened to kill herself if he didnt leave me, this really frightened me as i was bullied through school and college and had tried to end my life seven times in 5yrs, so i searched for her on facebook and sent her a message basically saying that nobody is worth ending your life for, my boyfriend saw the message i had sent her and said thank you and was happy that i cared even though she hadnt been very nice to me. For the 1st 2months of our relationship i was very patient and understanding about all the hassle his ex was causing and when she asked if he could take her dvd back to her and stay 4 a chat, i didnt mind. He met her about 3 times after this 4 things like cancelling joint bank accounts etc. but she still continued to try to sabatage our relationship so i started to get annoyed about it all and i asked if him if he could try not to be in contact with her so often. On xmas eve (3months in to relationship) we spent the morning together and then he said he was going home and he would tx me when he got home, 20mins later as he said he txt me when he "got home", and then on boxing day he'd had a few drinks and he'd had a tx from her and i happened to glance at the rong time and the tx said "can't wait to see you again, was so nice being with you xmas eve" as you can expect i exploded, he admitted that he met her xmas eve when he had told me he was home, he says nothing happened they jst talked and he had told her to leave us alone, i accepted this and i tried to move on but she still constantly tx, rang and facebook messaged him, i asked him countless times to delete his facebook profile but he refused every time even though he doesnt use it unless he has an email alert from them and he wouldn't stop communicating with her because she was upset and he didn't want to hurt her anymore, we had countless arguments and now he thinks i'm a horrible person for trying to make him stop talking to her. 8months later all contact stopped suddenly and he says he hasn't heard from her for 4months, is he telling the truth or cheating on me with her? Another issue is when he has a few drinks he gets very flirtatious, there has been a few occassions where i've caught him e.g a few months ago i walked in to a club to find him on the dancefloor with a girl grinding her bum against his groin with his hands on her boobs, it was just the 2 of them and his friends were nowhere near, i stood right next to them both dancing with my girlfriends waiting for him to notice me but he didn't so after 10mins of this i interrupted them and he says it was his friends sister, i don't see this an excuse but i just let it go. Another example would be last night, i was out with my friends and he was out with his, he was drunk i was sober as i was driving, we bumped in2 each other in a club and we sat with our friends at a table and he recieved a txt, it was from a girl and it said "hey having a good night? was nice meeting you, you seem really sweet and i'm really looking forward to seeing you again maybe" he then disappeared to the toilet and when he returned he asked me to keep his phone in my bag so i used this as an opportunity 2 find out if he'd tx her bck but he had deleted the tx from her so i asked him about it and he fed me a story about finding some girls phone and giving it bck to her and she was really appreciative and then his friend gave her his number, i don't believe this at all!!!! I really love this guy and i really think we can be happy but right now i'm so paranoid about his behaviour we just argue all the time, ive explainned why i'm paranoid and suggested ways that may help me trust him again, he tries for a day and then he goes bck to being distant. He says he wants to marry me, when we walk past a jewellers he stops and asks what kind of engagement rings i like, he constantly talks about having children with me and he wants to start looking for a house for us to buy together, i really want all these things with him but i just can't trust him, what can i do to stop being paranoid? how can i bring myself to trust him and to forgive him for the things he's done??? Somebody pliz help.Sorry it's so long
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): To me, the ex thing is more understandable than the continued excessive flirting. He's obviously hiding things from you. At least he's not very good at hiding it and you've found out. I suppose its not impossible for him to change, but I wouldn't move forward until he does. He needs to be real about what he's doing, not trying to cover it up or down play it. The burden isn't on you to start trusting, that's true. He either stops his ways or he doesn't. If he wants to be serious with you he will stop. Its not his words to you about houses and kids and rings that matters. It is his actions and his decision to change his lifestyle from that of a single guy to that of one in a relationship.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (16 January 2011):
Do not even think about a future of getting married and children with this guy before all of this gets sorted out. I know it's sweet when the man you love seems to want a future with you, and is talking about serious commitment, but his behaviour to you is unacceptable. If he treats you like this now, when you are just boyfriend and girlfriend, how will he treat you after getting engaged and married and you've been together for a few years? When he gets used to you and lives with you and has even more time of hearing your justifiable complaints about his behaviour and getting used to tuning it out.
If you are in a committed relationship,
1) he should not be in that close contact with an ex that is trying to still be with him
2) he should not have tried to hide seeing his ex (heck, he shouldn't have spent christmas eve with her in the first place)
3) he should not be bumping and grinding with some other girl and grabbing her boobs. Some light dirty dancing (bumping and grinding, without very close contact) is sometimes okay, with your partner's okay, but definitely not hands on inappropriate body parts.
4) He shouldn't be giving random girls his number, and then hiding it from you.
None of what he's been doing show him to be a mature, reliable, faithful guy that you can count on to be in a committed relationship to you. The burden isn't on you to try to trust him and stop being paranoid and forgive him. Has he done anything or apologized for doing these inappropriate things to make you stop trusting him? Has he shown any change or attempt to improve himself to be more trustworthy?
The way I see it, I'm not sure if this relationship has a future the way it stands right now. Please do not take the steps towards a more committed relationship (getting engaged, married, kids, or living together) before settling these issues. Because unresolved, they will only get worse if you get closer, and then you have legal and financial things to worry about, being tied to him.
In my mind, what he's done is borderline cheat. The dirty dancing, the giving out his number, what he did with his ex, is on the border of cheating. At least it was dishonest and sneaky. With all this behaviour, I'm not sure that he isn't cheating on you, or that he won't. Think about your relationship and what you want in a partner. And try to get it from him. If he isn't willing, you might want to consider that you can do much better.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (16 January 2011):
 Fantastic answer from Abella really clear and totally spot on! I can't add much other than when a person starts lying or choosing not to tell you something to cover up their behaviour then it is the road to emotional ruin. He is NOT trustworthy. The Xmas eve situation is a nail in the coffin. He was caught out and that is the only way you would have ever found out about it. He likes having you safely and cosily in the background to rely upon when all goes wrong but he equally enjoys flirting and playing the field. He presses all the right buttons for you with houses, rings. children etc and is clearly a very clever man as he knows what to say to keep you. My friend's husband is like this. He is an arch manipolator and would say the sky is pink if he thought he could get away with it. Here is a wonderful example of him and his deceit. He was knocked off his motorbike on a busy and dangerous stretch of road and was taken to hospital.When my friend arrived at the hospital there was a massive bouquet of flowers and a get well soon balloon in his room. My friend read the card and it said words like 'I love you my darling, get back to me soon'. She asked him what the hell was going on and he said 'i was so grateful to be alive that when the ambulance men picked me up i picked up the nearest bunch of flowers and took them with me' Mmm....All lies lies lies.
I was married to a liar for many years and he got to the stage where he truly believed his lies as the truth. he tried to make me out as crazy and mental and it was terrible. I think you can do so much better and you are obviously a very nice woman as shown by the beginning part of your post. This man does not deserve you. He will get worse and then he will cheat on you. Although it will be a wrench I would end it with him. You really could get someone decent, kind and much better for you.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 You have a perfect right to be concerned.
Look at all his actions. Not his pretty words. All the things and promises he's going to do when he gets round to it? Empty words designed to keep you 'keen and sweet'
How about he faithfully promises to be faithfull to you, and mean it, and stick to this promise?
And not hide behind 'i was drunk' Bad excuse. If he can't handle alcohol then maybe he should set a limit, and stick to it? And if he can't meet that promise maybe he could swear off alcohol completely?
i don't think you are paranoid at all. I would be at the end of my tether if faced with all you've had to endure.
1. He was running to his ex when called, a helpless pawn at her beck and call.
2. He is only 'off the hook' now re his ex as i suspect that she has finally found someone else.
3. He spent Christmas eve with his ex? Was he ever going to tell you? You caught him out, that's the only way you were ever going to find out. Unacceptable, completely.
4 when the opportunity arose he grabbed the chance to do dirty dancing with a strange girl. He did not stand firm, and say NO. Unacceptable..
His ex is abusive and manipulative. I do hope she IS truly out of his life. But his lies at Christmas re Christmas eve should have been discussed with you before he even contemplated seeing her. You would have said no to it. He knew it was wrong. So he just forgot to discuss it? . Sounds like he was still emotionally connected to her, to do that. Bad deceit on his part.
His Ex is his problem and he should deal with it, and he should ensure that he attends to any hassles so that there is no rebound on you. Her flagrant bad mouthing about you should have led to him distancing himself from his ex more, as a message to his ex that his first loyalty is to you. Sure his Ex is a handfull, but you should not have to put up with all this fall out.
I don't even want to talk about Facebook except to say it is divisive once people are in a relationship IF the same people keep flirting with others on FB. So bad that such people should consider shutting down their use of Facebook while in a relationship.
Your guy needs to understand that if he's IN a relationship, even if he is God's Gift to Women in his own mind, that he ceases to have the option of grinding his groin with a girl on a dance floor, if that girl is not you. Just because available girls throw themselves at him does not mean he has the right to accept their offers. His relationship with you should be exclusive.
If he can't manage exclusivity perhaps his talents??? would be better employed as a gigilo?
Calmly sit down with him and start as you mean to go on. You have a right to be respected and treated with consideration. You should not have trust issues over-shadowing the relationship. He needs to address his behavior to erase those trust issues from this relationship. It may take a little longer before your guy fully matures into a faithfull, honorable, reliable gentleman whose word can be trusted.
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