A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I hate two things:1. Pornography (and men leering)– it makes me feel sick. If my partner wants to watch something on tv etc which falls into this category it makes me angry. He also likes me telling him stories about my past and I dont like it. He has a problem with his erection and has to take tablets. Sometimes I don't feel good enough and am ashamed. I have to add spice because I am too bland - is how it feels.2. My partner saying something which I interpret as him meaning that I am incompetent. Such as “that could only have happened to you”, “perhaps you lost that job because you were just no good at it” etc.These things make me full of rage, especially around the time of my period. I find it impossible to discuss them, I feel that my reactions are abnormally strong. I think I need not to be so sensitive because they aren’t about me. Trouble is I can’t see that, they do feel personal and I can’t separate from that feeling. (All the advice is that anger comes from making conclusions about situations that are not correct and taking them personally.)I know there was a lot about my upbringing which was directly responsible for affecting my self esteem – I have explored it in therapy. In addition to that I was very badly betrayed in my formative years by men. I am sure the two things are connected.I do actually love my partner very much and I know he loves me. When I blow I can see how scared and hurt he is. He is insecure himself. We really, really love each other and it is so very important to me to ditch this damage and behaviour and see things in a more circumspect way. I also need him to compromise and take on board my feelings. I need him to listen and not put everything down to my hormones. I feel that my feelings are losing significance and relevance because of this.I am going to see my doctor about getting Prozac, which I have heard is specifically for PMS, but I would be grateful to know if anyone else has managed to conquer these types of issues. I do not want to wreck this relationship but I feel on a slippery slope. I desparately want to stop from slipping. Help!
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erection, insecure, period, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your reply, it was so helpful to have such a positive response. I will buy the book.
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 You've started to answer your question yourself by saying that you're both insecure and that you have low self-esteem. I imagine he does too. Please don't lay all the blame on yourself. There are two of you in this relationship.
The very first thing you both need to do is learn to communicate calmly and listen to each other carefully. Often we say things in rows that are covering our real feelings. Often anger is a cover for hurt, worry, fear etc. I would suggest you buy a book called 'Stop Arguing Start Talking' by Susan Quilliam (it's very cheap on Amazon).
My feeling is that you would both benefit a great deal from some professional help. Try going to couple counselling. It makes a huge difference if you talk about these things with an unbiased mediator there.
It sounds as though you have the basis for an excellent loving relationship so it's worth making the effort to iron out these problems. With some help I'm sure you can both build up your confidence and self-esteem and learn to be supportive and understanding of each others needs. Hope this helps a bit.
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