A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been going to my college's free counseling center for awhile now. I've always had major difficulty trusting and opening up to people, and that is one of the main reasons why I went there: to finally be able to do this. Sometimes my sessions go great and I feel like I really connect with her. Other times, they go only okay and I still hold myself back a lot. All of the time I do not do great with eye contact (although in real life, this is not an issue), though usually it's not too bad. Today it was awful.I couldn't look at her at all after I started talking. What I was talking about probably didn't even seem that personal, but to me it was very awkward to talk about, and I felt like an idiot with everything that I said. I felt bad, and didn't want her to think that I was being purposely rude, so I ended up bringing up my eye contact issue. I felt thoroughly awkward about it. She said she thought that I was courageous for coming, and she knew that it was a hard topic for me to bring up. She asked what my lack of eye contact was about, and I said that I felt like she could really see inside me. She asked if I wanted to edge her out and pretend like she wasn't there when I was talking. I didn't see her facial expression obviously, so I can't know for sure, but I felt like she was kind of annoyed with me. I wouldn't blame her; it's not exactly a respectful thing to do. Here are the reasons that I have difficulty making eye contact:1. Like I semi-told her, it feels really intimate. Especially when I'm talking about personal things while it's happening. I feel very vulnerable, and as if she can read the inside of me when I look at her. I'm giving her all of the tools to hurt me if she wishes by telling her so many things. I'm terrified that she will see who I truly am and not like me.2. I'm afraid to see her facial expressions. It would be awful to see judgment in her eyes.These fears are so intense because I care a lot about my relationship with her, partially due to transference issues (I am starting to get attached and almost see her in a motherly role). But I feel like I wrecked everything today.How can I become more comfortable in counseling? How can I start making more eye contact, especially since now I'll be wondering if she's thinking about it? I'm so afraid to go back now. Do you think I should apologize for my behavior, and try telling her that I really want to be able to trust her completely? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 April 2012):
It's OK, you're doing fine, don't beat yourself up over it. give yourself more time, don't put expectations on yourself.
The counselor will understand, she won't be offended. She is trained to be sensitive to people's needs and vulnerabilities.
But if you've been going for awhile and you still dont' feel comfortable, then there's nothing wrong with looking for a different counselor. Counselors are people too and each have their own style and way of talking and expressing themselves and relating to you, and it's to be expected that not everyone will feel comfortable with every counselor and there's nothing wrong with that.
The counseling sessions are to benefit you, you are the client. If you're uncomfortable about talking about something, you can certainly say so.
It's very normal that you will come away from some sessions feeling great, and other times not so much. Not every session will feel great because therapy is hard work on yourself. It doesn't mean that the counselor was 'annoyed' (but so what if she was? that's not a big deal either).
So I would suggest that to become more comfortable in counseling, give yourself time, don't put expectations on yourself, don't judge yourself, go at your own pace. Speak up if anything the counselor says is making you uncomfortable. Remind yourself that it's normal that it won't always feel that you're making progress every session because usually making progress is an uneven process. but if you do feel that overall you're making progress then something is going right. And if, after you've gone for many sessions you still don't feel comfortable, don't be afraid to try a different counselor.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 This is her job and believe me she will know you cannot make eye contact because you feel vulnerable and awkward you do not need to tell her this, but the thing is, it is her job she is there to help you and to allow you to bring your barrier down, you are not there to try and win her approval. As much as counselling is a great thing to go to you cannot get attached to her because you need to remember she is there to help you with issues and nothing else. As harsh as that might sound, it is her job to talk to you and try and help you, but its not her job to become your mother or want your approval. Just talk to her and see how it goes but please don't push yourself to do something you are not comfortable with. She will not think of it as rude.
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