A
female
age
30-35,
*andsinthewest
writes:To all the wonderful agony aunts out there with actual life experience, for I have little to none: A friend (by circumstance, not choice) recently told me that I was mean, extremely rude, inconsiderate, etc. and that I need to work on this. She hedged it in slightly more tactful terms, but she was pretty upset, since I had told her I was offended by something (I guess, comparatively minor) she had just done. How do I become a nice, friendly person? Some things she pointed out* I don't acknowledge hello's and how are you's when I'm busy, and I'm almost always busy* I don't smile, and I look constantly stressed. (In fact, sometimes I downright glower!) * I close the door (too loudly for her tastes) to our shared room when she is speaking with friends outside. This is apparently quite offensive behavior. * I am almost always studying or busy with something, and I don't talk to her. And I don't help her with her schoolwork when I can (unless it's a particularly interesting problem) * I am blunt in my criticisms and suggestions. (She occasionally has me edit things; and bounces ideas off of me) Mainly, she suggests that I slow down, and take the time to gently tell people things tactfully. For example, if I'm studying, and people are talking loudly in the hallway, the correct response is to say hello, smile, and mildly ask them tone it down a bit because I'm studying. Whereas I would just close the door, not slamming, but not with the same care as closing the door to the room of a sleeping baby either. It's faster, involves no human interaction, and does not interrupt whatever conversation the other people are having. I suppose, in my own defense, I am always behind on some deadline or another, and I don't like to be bothered in the middle of something. Also, I dislike most people, especially the nice, polite ones who say "hello, how are you?" to people constantly. It's an odd verbal handshake which I find particularly useless, since the only acceptable response is "fine, how about you?" I feel that I am rather friendly when I'm not busy. I help people (often with homework), listen patiently, and offer small comforts (e.g. a fresh baked good) to people who may need a cheering up. In the brief periods of time when I'm not caught up in other things, I enjoy making people happy. However, for most of the time, I hate engaging in conversation so much, it's almost painful. It also feels like a waste of time, since so much of a conversation consists of mutual 'grooming' and tactful (and vague!) allusions to the real purpose. (I've learned to fake it for a short bit of time. Eyes wide and attentive. Smile and nod occasionally, etc. But after a few minutes, I do snap.) How can I become 'nice'? I don't want to just act nicely and stew inside (a surefire way to ulcers...); I must become a nice person. And, ideally, how can I do this without losing my focus on achieving the goals important to me?
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): HiYou actually sound a great person and you have obviously been considerate in thinking...this goes two way's. Are others considerate of your study time? You just sound like a person who is direct....but....I do agree a smile gives warmth and makes a huge difference. I hate to see miserable faces and it gets me quite annoyed because a smile is so easy and can change how somebody feels for the better and time has no relevance on being able to smile.Good luck with your study goals and :) I bet you look very pretty with a smile :)spunky monkey.
|
