A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi EveryoneI met a guy 30 years ago (I'm now in my early 40s) and developed strong feelings for him over the years but thought they were not returned and so moved on, met and married a wonderful man. The guy I liked back then, let's call him B, also married and years later told my folks he had had feelings for me too and expressed regrets. We remained friends over the years, mostly just a comment or two on FB, a phone call once a year. We both respected our marriages and each other. But I always felt regret that I'd never said anything. Two years ago my husband died suddenly and I was devastated. Although I worked hard at getting my life back on track, for my sake and my child's, part of me will always be sad and always love him. My husband also used to say B was "sweet" on me. I just smiled because I felt that B was not a threat -- him being too much of a gentleman to put either of us in a situation of cheating and me being of the same view. I was crazy about my husband, I adored him, and when he died in my arms I didn't think I'd ever get up again. When my husband died B was a good friend, calling regularly to see that I was okay and encouraging me to be strong. I haven't seen him in over 10 years as he works in another country. Our friendship remained respectful and I respected his marriage, even though I heard that his wife had not supported him emotionally over the years and was difficult. She had also left him for almost a year in the past but returned when she heard my husband had died. To me, it was always just important that B is happy. Two months ago she left and asked for a divorce. He never told me but his family did. I know what he is going through, not only because my husband died and my whole world imploded, but because 18 months before he died we were on the verge of separating due to pressures on our relationship brought on by work issues. I am glad we resolved it and stayed together, and devastated that he died. I wrote to B and said that I'd be there if he needed to talk and that whichever way it turned out for him, I just wanted him to be happy. I told him that he was a strong man and a man with courage and integrity, and that I wanted only happiness for him, however it might work out for him. I told him that I understood what he was going through because my husband and I had almost walked down that road ourselves. I told him how I had felt about him all those years ago, not for any other reason than to allow him to see himself through the eyes of someone who cared because at that stage he was so down on himself and his life. He wrote back and thanked me, saying I would always be a close friend and special person to him, that he would contact me if he needed to talk and that we'd stay in touch. I have not heard from him since (about a month). I am well aware that as long as there's no paperwork signed, he's married. I am well aware that he needs time and space. I am well aware that she might yet return to the marriage. I am well aware that he is in pain. I want to make it very clear that I have no intention of stepping over such boundaries. I have three questions: 1. How do I show him the same caring and support he showed me when I was in need of a friend in an unimaginably tough time while he is shutting me out? Any suggestions on how to be there for him without invading his space. Maybe men who've been through a divorce can tell me what they needed then?2. My second question is any advice please on how to deal with my own conflicted emotions. On the one hand I am so sad for his pain, on the other I have a hope that if he is ever free to be with me, he might still want to after all these years? 3. My last question is this: About a year before my husband died I became extremely ill and had to have chemotherapy. I lost almost all my hair and it never grew back following the chemo. I have to wear a wig, and although people say I'm very pretty and radiant, I feel insecure and I can't imagine ever having a man again who will accept this. Any advice? I would hate to be feel alone for the rest of my life but I'm afraid no-one would want me like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous and WiseOwlE,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for really hitting the nail on the head, so to speak. WiseOwlE, I am so sorry for your loss and I feel that you can really understand what I am going through. You are right in that I see my friend's affection as something known and safe to fill a void in my life. In truth, and with the perspective you have given me, I guess I want so much for my life not to be broken any more that I'd grasp at any straw, I wanted so much not to feel the pain and emptiness anymore that I would do anything to avoid it. I can see that what I really need to do is focus on finding a life that makes sense without my husband. My family was not fond of him and had always hoped that my friend and I would get together, and I guess I got swept up in that too. I need to take this time to properly mourn my husband, find purpose without him. I will always love my friend, but that means wanting what's best for him, even if that is not me.
Anonymous, you are right too. I am letting my needs invade the space that I need to give to my friend. And that's not being a good friend at all. Unfortunately hair transplant is not an option for me as I also have an auto-immune disease that is attacking my hair, so what little is growing is falling out constantly, besides which it is extremely expensive and medical insurance will not pay. My husband did not believe in life insurance and when he died I was left to fight my way out of a lot of debt, move to a city to find work as I needed to support myself and my son on a single income. I have come a long way and cried many many times over the past two years, but I've also steadfastly resisted falling into despair because my child needs me to be a present and functional mom. I cannot under any circumstances allow my child to slip through the cracks while I drown in grief as he is at such a vulnerable age, and maybe this is causing me to want to move on faster than I should.
What I've realised from both your replies is that my journey to healing is not yet done. I have a way to go yet and being a true friend to him, I have to allow him to travel his own road too. If ever these roads cross, well that will happen if it's meant to. If not, I have loved and respected him enough over the years and still do, and he me, to wish each other the very best.
Thank you again for helping me to find perspective.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): To your first question; offer your support with no strings attached. He must be allowed to come to you of his own
free-will. We search for our support and comfort from whomever and whatever source we need at any given time.
We choose are "pain-killers," according to the type of pain we have.
Don't allow your loneliness to deceive you into believing he's purposely shutting you out. He already has your reassurance and kind solace for the time-being. Maybe that is all he needs from you for now. He has family and friends and may not be looking for anything as a "wife-replacement" at the moment. Maybe he is considering all of his options. As so should you.
It is best that you not rest your feelings on the possibility he still feels the same way he felt about you many years ago. It can still be love, but not in the romantic-sense. Your hopes and dreams should not be based on the past. You are in the present, and have to look forward to your future. With or without him in it.
In response to your second question. Having lost my life-partner to cancer after 28 years together. I know the longing and yearning that the grief and loneliness brings.
The empty void leaves us feeling helpless, and wishing we could fill that empty place. Your friend's long-time loyalty, has been a consistency in your life. It resembles the devotion you received from your marriage. It is only natural that you will look to him to replace what you miss from your husband. He shares so much history. Your memories go back a life-time.
Now in response to your third question. Many women in your age-group have either faced divorce, or some life-threatening health issue. That can also be said about men. We mature people over 40 are statistically more likely to deal with health issues like hypertension, heart-disease, weight problems, stroke, diabetes, early arthritis, and other age-related health problems.
You can't allow this reality to make you feel you have limitations; when it comes to finding love again. These things are unforeseen and unpredictable; and how others will accept them, should be the least of your concerns.
They are a fact of life. You have to accept these imperfections yourself first. Your "self-esteem" and "self-confidence" depends on it. They are the tools that help you to attract other people. Not just your outer appearance.
You will hinder your happiness by fearing the loss of hair will determine if you are loveable or desirable. I think attraction goes a bit further than that. You have more to offer than what crowns your head. Wigs are just as attractive as real hair. My sister also lost her hair to chemo-therapy. She shaved off the rest and got used to having no hair; and allowed herself to be seen without it.
Her smile lit up a room, and her pretty face was no less beautiful without hair, or wearing a pretty scarf.
There are hair-replacement treatments nowadays. Results may vary, but work what you have. Don't let that hold you back.
Keep your options open to meet different men. Women wear wigs, extensions, and hair pieces as a fashion statement. Men are pretty used to that. It will come as little surprise to men in our age-group; so minimize your worries about it.
If he hasn't forgotten you all of these years, don't feel anxious if he doesn't show immediate effort to contact you.
There is no telling how long it will take for him to feel ready to start seeing other women. Don't rely on his contact or when he is ready. Seek out other options to fill in the lonely void. Be concerned for yourself. You have a right to be selfish after such a great loss.
Date when you're ready. Take a cooking class, yoga, join a gardening club and fill your time with things that lift your spirits. Learn to sew, shoot; or even how to do woodwork and carpentry. You'll meet a lot of men. Don't center your life and concerns around taking care of your friend or any man. You are in the prime of your life.
Go out and live a little. Take a vacation and go on an adventure. Open a new chapter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): You sound like a really lovely person and I am so sorry for your loss.
But I don't think you should contact your friend until he contacts you. You've made your feelings clear and he has told you that you will always be a dear friend. Sometimes the way that we are a best friend to someone is by giving them all the space they need and not pressuring them, even slightly. He will respect you so much more for this, hard as it may be right now. You say you don't want to invade his space and yet your own needs are bringing you very close to doing so. You know that it's best to leave him be but are growing impatient, so I'd suggest a major diversion! Can you go on a holiday or trip somewhere?
I'm really sorry to hear about your hair, that must have been very difficult. But are you absolutely sure there is nothing the doctor can give you to stimulate it to grow back? Have you tried all avenues? If you have, then have you thought about getting a hair transplant? I don't say this because I think no-one would love you without hair - I honestly think some men won't care at all, but they will maybe be put off if they feel you are very uptight or depressed about it/sometimes men need for you to take the lead a bit on things like this until they get used to it - but it might help you yourself, whether you go into a relationship or not. I've only ever seen TV programmes about this, where women lost some or all of their hair but had successful transplants and it really helped their self esteem, even without them being in a relationship at all.
As for the issue of reconciling your feelings - you managed to do this before and were very happy with someone else. So I'm not saying your feelings aren't genuine for him, but that if you had the ability to see that he didn't reciprocate then you can have this again. Probably it will be harder because you will still be hurting at being alone after your husband's death. Time reveals so many things to us and I feel sure that in not all that much time - 3to 6 months - you will be much clearer about where you stand with things. Just don't push things with this man, boost yourself first and the rest will fall into place.
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