A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is kind of a strange problem as a lot of the main event I cannot recall.Basically, after nearly 5 months of being with my boyfriend, we decided it was time to have sex and I was in full agreement, feeling very strongly for him and feeling comfortable enough and ready to with him.However, almost as soon as he applied protection and got into a position, ready to go... I froze. My body wouldn't relax and I burst into tears. Initially he was confused but I felt I had to explain what had happened.Memories had flooded back to me when we were in that position of an incident with my ex. One night we went out with friends and I got really drunk, but having a headache also took maybe 9/10 painkiller tablets stupidly - an overdose - without realising. As a result my body lost all feeling and I had to be carried back to my ex's. I was awake but I have a very foggy recollection of before the main event. I was lying on his bed, and I knew I was naked - which I wasn't when I arrived - but I didn't know how, I then looked up and saw my ex having sex with me. Despite my state I knew this was wrong and pushed him off of me and promptly left, not letting him near me sexually again. This was the first time I had had sex and I was overdosed and cannot remember consenting. I never told anyone, it not occurring to me that it could be classed as rape. I didn't even tell my mother. But when I told my current boyfriend all this, he told me that it sounded like rape and that I should tell my mother. But my main concern is what if it happens again? What if I go to have sex with my boyfriend and totally freak out on him? Should I have told someone rather than thinking I could deal with it? I would really love to get to that stage with my boyfriend, but after our failed first attempt... I don't know what to do. My mind is telling me it'll go wrong again and keeps replaying the incident with my ex.Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can overcome this so that I can share intimacy with my boyfriend, whom I love and trust whole-heartedly, without fear?Thank you.
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female
reader, Capricorn71  +, writes (18 February 2008):
If your current boyfriend loves you he will understand and be patient. It may take a couple of attempts until you feel comfortable, just take it slow. From your message though, it sounds as though you already have it in your mind that you should do something about this 'date rape'. Did you ever speak to your ex about it? What was his reaction? It is a difficult subject, many of us have had experiences where we've got so drunk, we feel partially responsible for allowing ourselves to get into that position, but this guy DID do you wrong. My current bf doesn't even like having sex with me when I'm drunk becuase he's so concerned it could be 'taking advantage' in some way! If you want to just put it down to bad experience, but feel you can't easily move on from it, you could try counselling. At the end of the day this trauma has created a trust issue for you. It may take you some time to learn to trust again, but it will happen if you can get past the incident in your head and realise not all guys are like that.
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (18 February 2008):
Even if it happens again don't feel guilty or bad.You can't overcomme yourself but you need to train yourself to get intimate with him.Take it a step at a time and with time you'll get over this just don't push yourself.My ex was in a similar situation and it took us close to six months before we finally had sex.Think positively.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 It is not easy to forget that incident. You will have to forgive your ex and let time heal your trauma.
If you still feel the pain , I suggest that you go seek a therapist or professional counsel to help you overcome your problems.
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A
female
reader, faith_believe_love  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 hi,I feel sad for what happened to you.Why dont you try telling this to your mum let her know and you'll see this memory that keeps on haunting you will go away i mean not the memories but the feeling that you have right now. You said you already told this about your bf and he understands you.Why not our own Mothers right? dont let this incident put you down more and more. Wish you could overcome this. Hope you'll do better. Take care.
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