A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Her threesome in the past problem nr.#982512. How to cope with such a great loss?? After all that time I've spent on helping myself getting over something I never really intended to hear it's all over now. You see we were a dreamy couple. IQ both over 130, physically very attractive, stayed together every possible second, learned to cook over 100 quality whole food meals, been doing almost every possible sport, been preparing for our careers together, been doing some very neat relaxation techniques, been helping poor people, been walking doggies from the local animal clinic. Just loved each other endlessly and having so much quality time that even the most happy married couples we knew were envy of us and asked us "how do we do it??". It was simple.. you just had to do things both with your brain and your heart. With a strong heart and a well kept brain you could do anything. Well almost - when you're heart ain't telling you to feel disgusted.But what crushed this very rare bond?? At the early start of our relationship she was a girl that looked shy but when you got to know her you discovered a very hard shell you needed to break in order to discover her soul. She hated everything that had anything to do with family, deep love and etc but after some time spent she started to open and suddenly she became something that was probably droped from heaven. I discovered her past exploits before we first made love and after that everything started to come together for me. Somehow I knew that she have must been quite widly sexual before me and I started developing these deep subconcious feelings to her but I didn't know what was true so I kept it hidden. Everything in our relationship was insanely great (I'm still quite unable to comprehend how we were able to do all that) but somehow her libido totaly crashed just 6 months into the relationship and I started asking myself what happened. From very active to completly cold. I asked and asked but stumbled on something and she was very stubborn. After some pressure she told me that the things I learned about her basicaly prior to our relationship were true. I was completly crushed and developed a 24/7 neurosis that was torturing me and I didn't know why. I was researching and researching. Asking myself how to combat such things but there was no cure in sight. And after some time I learned that the only cure is the will to not to think about it but I had none. So I started asking more and after a long time of her frigidity (everything else was abnormaly good) she started to tell me how she ended up having drunk sex with two guys (separately) - a sex she never asked for nor ever wanted. She said she was just laying there completly drunken and totaly frozen of not being able to stop it. Call me a complete and utter asshole but after hearing this my problem started rapidly diminishing somehow. But since alot of things weren't matching her previous statements I still kept wondering. After another hit of her frigidity I asked more and after some serious crying she told me she was actually raped by two strangers. I didn't quite beleive it so i kept asking and whoa ... she told me the complete truth. Had 2 threesomes once with two policemen (a threesome she wanted) and once with her ex boyfriend who she wanted so much that she engaged in a threesome with him and his friend. To top it she said she had 16 previous sexual partners (just in 1,5 years of her sexual/relationship life). This is rambling but it's suspicious because I know it happens quite alot with partners with wild past - Yeah she had to learn how to be frigid right with me, the one who gave her her first vaginal orgasm or any kind of orgasm with a partner, or the one with who she had the best sex of her life (she said that), or the one who she felt the safest with. And the amount of lies.. horrible. I was so crushed because of this and since I knew I had no reason nor will to not to think about it I just called it quits. There's simply no way when these problems start to stop it once you know how sickening and horryfing can your own irrational/rational/emotionals feelings be. People say that if you love you have to do that and that... but love is in principle something very irrational and you just cannot rationalize it. And the only people who can really comment on this should be the ones who had a simmilair experience or were the ones who were given this miracle of having the will to fight your ownself and be successful. Previous to this I had only one girlfriend and she had 4 one-night-stands.. guess what.. I never cared about it during the whole 2 year relationship.Beleive me I feel like the biggest filth of this world and the biggest looser because I threw away my probably once in a lifetime oppurtunity. But how can I be happy when I'm torturing myself and the one I love because of some unhealthy irrational prehistoric feeling of complete disgust and disrespect even though in the present she's like 95% close to perfection (not taking frigidity into account).The way our stupid brain works is horrendous.. sadly there are no hacks for it right now. I fell so sick I can't think straight.
View related questions:
crush, drunk, engaged, frigid, her ex, her past, libido, orgasm, shy, threesome, vagina Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Emotional intelligence...?...excuses are like assholes, everybody have one. Facts are facts! If you want to live in the mist then listen to all these married guys without balls; if not, see things and choose wisely. I am striving for perfection as well. Only inferior minds can be happy with this terrible reality. Stay strong!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): According to the DSM-V, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by the following:
An inflated sense of self-importance
Fantasies of unlimited success, fame, power, beauty, and perfect love (uncritical adoration)
Exhibitionism (a need to be looked at and admired)
A tendancy to feel rage with little objective cause
A readiness to treat people with cool indifference as punishment for hurtful treatment or as an indication of the fact they have no current use of person
A tendancy toward severe feelings of inferiority, shame, and emptiness
A sense of entitlement accompanied by the tendancy to exploit
A tendancy to overidealize or devalue people based largely on a narrow focus or an inability to empathize
Taken from Beverly Engel's book titled The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Page 204
Sound familiar?
If you suffer from NPD or have strong narcisstic tendencies, your behaviour an attitude towards others is often experienced as abusive, even though you may not intentionally try to hurt anyone. Those with NPD are often OBLIVIOUS to others and to how their behaviour affects them. This doesn't make your behaviour and attitude any less hurtful or damaging, however, and often it is your careless disregard toward others that hurts the most. The specific behaviours and attitudes manifested by a narcissistic individual ar most hurtful to others include:
Negating the feelings, ideas, and opinions of others
Sarcastic remarks and put downs
A general attitude of arrogance and condescension toward others
A tendancy to be dismissive of others, especially if he or she does not respect them
Being overly critical and judgmental of others
Unreasonable expectations; never being pleased
A typical narcissistic individual often becomes intensely attracted to someone in a short amount of time and will tend to idealize her partner, viewing him as more beautiful, talented, popular, or giving than he really is. When the idealization wears off, she may become so disappointed that she loses any respect she once had for her partner.
Page 205 from Beverly Engel's book titled "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship"
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Not sure just what you are asking...I guess my best advice is for you to try and find someone with little or no sexual history, who is perfectly smart, perfectly beautiful, cooks perfectly, walks dogs perfectly, etc...Good luck with that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Well the way I see it, you have two choices. 1. Walk away and just know that you may never find anyone so "perfect" again in all the other areas of your definition. 2. Remain in the relationship, knowing you are completely disgusted with this woman because of her past, and will never have any respect for her from here on out.
Since your morals find her past so repulsive, I suggest you cut the tie with this woman and find someone who has more similar morals like you do. The new woman you later meet, may not be "perfect" in other ways, but perhaps you'll be able to live with her imperfections as long as they don't involve a sorid sexual past.
Just remind yourself of this: Everytime you start thinking you've lost the most "perfect" woman in the world, just remember you were living an illusion of perfection based on her lies and half-truths. If you had known all of this information about her, on the day you first met, would you have pursued her? Probably not. You would've ran for the door. It hurts, yes but you know in your heart, you will never get past this and be able to love her regardless so you must move on.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I hate to point it out but you sound narcisstic as you keep pointing out how great you both were, how sucessful you both were, how you seem to be smarter than anyone else, you are the perfect everything.
So it is noted that narcissist have abusive personalities as they put their needs first, they matter more...so to someone one who was abused and used sex to fool themselves that they were okay...she has issues.
You both were attracted to one another as you both have abusive tendancies. Yes, the familiarity and comfort you first both felt is due to you both recognized one another because children of abuse can find one another.
If you read about what most abused partners have to say about the relationship...the sex was AMAZING.
It's not our brain that works that way but YOURS. There is no PERFECT anyone but a narcissist is always seeking out the perfect parnter to complete him. A person in love with a narcissist has to always fight for his/her right to be treated as an equal.
You don't see her as an equal as she is not perfect and you keep listing your disgust in her.
She may have her own issues and she may not be living that lifestyle anymore- I don't think it's her anymore.
It's how you are viewing her and all that you say screams that you are not emotionally stable and have a low emotional intelligence.
Seek counselling. You are the farthest from perfect.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 This similar question was posted 2 days ago, you will maybe get some good information from it:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/reading-her-journal-i-found-out-she-has.html
...............................
|
