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female
age
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anonymous
writes: My last relationship ended recently. When I reflect back on it I just can't believe that when I met him I had so much going on in my life and somewhere along the way I kind of lost my identity. Somehow I got so involved in his life that I forgot I had one. I'm afraid it'll happen to me again in a future relationship. What can I do to prevent this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ask_HanBan  +, writes (2 September 2007):
 Kennys right, look back at previous reltionships as practive in a sense. Keep a physical reminder of your identity with you when/if your in a relationship. It could be a photograph, a teddy, something amung those lines so when you look at it, you will be reminded of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): You got involved in his life to the point of forgetting you had one, as well. That is pure, unselfish giving. It is in itself neither good nor bad. The risk is the relation may not work and you have trouble in starting again since you invested so much. That's way it is recommended when we start a relation to stay in expectative! and learn how beneficent it is for us, before making ourselves so vulnerable. Don't involve as much, next time. As for the loss of identity, you're not supposed to mold to meet his preferences, if that is what you meant. We are here with a unique identity code that stands for all the things we cannot change and that may look ridiculous in case we tried to, or put us in an underprivileged or uncomfortable position. Now, there are also things that we can and sometimes should change, but always for us, not necessarily for the other, as the compromises can weight too much sometimes and have a cumulative effect. Was the last relation too demanding, or it was always your initiative? When you are always the giver and the other doesn't seem to recirpocate there may be a problem. You'll have to find somebody like you, and you will see that two givers together will receive more than they're able to give on their own. I wouldn't be surprised if you acted under same principles in plain friendships. You must be more selective though, because many approach relations from a rather selfish persective and you must learn who you are WITH first, which shouldn't make you over-cautious either. Too many subtleties...
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (2 September 2007):
 This is the benefit of hindsight, look at your previous relationship as a learing curve. When you enter a new relationship vow to never do the things you did in the last one. Its so important that you keep your identity and stay who you are, if you don't it will just cause feelings of resentment, and eventually the relationship will fail.
Enter a new relationship full of positivity and optimism and never forget who you really are.
Good luck
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