A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I met a guy last year and into this year, who was an ex-con, but seemed like a good guy who came from an abusive childhood. He came on very strong, saying that he was falling in love with me, began fixing things in my apartment, talking about moving in with me, etc. He never asked me for things like a lot of other guys do, and he would do things in my house without trying to get sex, etc. He made me dinner, talked about us getting married, etc.But, despite how nice he could be, he would also, every couple of weeks or so, decide he didn't like me and he would try to put me down in a childish way in order to "break up". He started by saying I was too caring and to leave him alone. then his put downs became more childish--that I am fat, that I stupidly believed his lies. That I am uppity, etc.We would eventually start talking again, and he would say he is afraid to be in a relationship and get hurt emotionally, or that he was being a jerk and had lied about what he told me (he once told me he was dating a more successful woman), etc. Then, after doing something nice for me, he would once again, out of the blue, say he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, even being verbally abusive with cursing, etc.We are no longer talking as he has said he wants nothing to do with me, etc. He has said some really hurtful things about my weight, my house (even though he doesn't have his own place currently), and tried to make it seem as if we were just friends with benefits (which I had told him from the beginning I wasn't into).He never talks with me like an adult, and has refused to answer any questions. He is much older than me, and despite all of the red flags that are clear in just this posting, I still wonder what I did to make him hate me so much? To be honest, his comments and dumping action make me feel like a damaged woman...I wonder if there is something so wrong about me that even a guy with his own issues, thinks I am horrible. I don't understand why, as I have always tried to be supportive of him.Since dating him, I have been attracting dudes who have either been ex-cons and just want money, or they say they like me but then just want sex, or, they say they like me and yet, they end up having a big issue with my weight or appearance (despite my being honest about my size, and sharing pics that show my face (which I like), and my size.I know I shouldn't take it so personally, but his dumping me and not having luck in love is just really wearing me down mentally and emotionally. I just worry that maybe I am too broken for someone to love.I am really worried as I find it weird to be attracting so many ex-cons, and guys with issues. No one is perfect, and I don't expect that, but, it seems like I am worried that I am not attracting regular/normal guys. I worry that I may be attracting guys who ARE abusive, or who just want to use me. I am so worried about being able to be married and be a mom and have kids. I need to figure out how to project a healthier level of self-esteem and attract a better type of guy.I also need to stop wondering about why the ex-con guy dislikes me so much. Maybe it is more about my refusal to believe everything was a lie from the very beginning?
View related questions:
friend with benefits, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Everyone attracts all sorts of people. It's not who you attract...it's who you keep and not throw back. That's where the saying "you have to kiss alot of frogs" comes from...the idea being you get rid of the frogs early on. You just stay with the frogs instead of tossing them back in the pond.
It's not about your aura, its about your standards and boundaries. You see the red flags yet you do nothing and then complain about your relationships. The idea would be to stop going out with them when you see the red flags.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Haha that's crazy you are exactly like a girl friend of mine, it's uncanny it's like she's writing this post, the only difference is the kind of guy she "attracts" is the white knight type not ex-cons. She "attracts" the kind of guy that falls all over himself to do everything for her because she's just the kind of woman can't do anything for herself so when a person arrives that is willing to take up the slack of her life she likes to have them around. She's not a user or anything she's just for lack of a better word "incapable" or "useless".
What makes you and her similar is that you project all of those guys failings onto yourself, you completely fail to see that it's just the way this guy is. Like her you have this insane logic that if you can't even make it work with a mentally damaged idiot like this guy that there somehow must be something wrong with you. It makes absolutely no sense at all to think that way OP. None. It's like being pissed off at yourself because it's raining, you wanted sunshine and now that it's raining you think you've failed as a person. You know? It makes absolutely no sense at all and is illogical. People are like the weather OP, we can't control who they are, what they nor can we change them, so how is it a negative reflection on our abilities if a person is an idiot?
It seems to me you're doing the same stuff she does too, you almost see this guy as a challenge and want to try and make it work just to prove to yourself you're not as bad as you think, again that makes no logical sense because there's nothing at all wrong with you so there's nothing he can "fix" and to top it all off he's not going to either because he's just a messed up freak. OP the idiots of this world are the ones that matter less, it makes no sense to think that you must "even worse" if you can't even make it work with the worst dregs of society because that's not how it works, you're just dating failures. I mean come on being an ex-con isn't exactly a sign of success is it? They couldn't even make is a criminal.
You may have noticed I put the word "attract" in quotation marks, well there's a reason for that which I will explain.
Women have this weird idea that they attract a certain type of guy, but it's bullshit because they don't. Trust me I have had lots of female friends and still do, I've watched these closely to see what they were talking about when they say that they only attract a certain kind of guy and all of them, 100%, were completely wrong. You and they attract a wide variety of men, seriously I've seen this myself. But what happens is you only notice the guys who are your "type". It happens every time. I was out with a single friend last week, she's very pretty gets a lot of male attention and thinks she only attracts losers but I watched her. She attracts loads of different guys but the guys outside of her tastes are invisible to her, she doesn't even consider them to be chatting her up when they clearly are. She barely even registers them but when a big burly cocksure guy starts talking to her, her eyes light up and she immediately turns into a flirt. You see she can have ten guys chat her up and if only one of them interests her then she'll consider all the other guys as only having a friendly chat with her or she won't even consider them men.
OP you're right about forgetting about this ex-con but not why he dislikes you because frankly you have no idea whether he does or not because for lack of a better term he's fucked in the head. He's a damaged weirdo with no ability to control his emotions, why the hell is his opinion even relevant to you. Personally I think it's for the same reason as my friend and you have low self worth. Because OP, basing your self worth on the opinion of sewer rat is not exactly healthy is it? You see you're trying to put a logical spin on an illogical guy, you're trying to figure out a man who doesn't know who he is.
Basically it's absolutely pointless, it's like banging your head against the wall to cure a headache, just stop. Stop trying to figure out this criminal wanker and stop projecting his failures as a person onto yourself.
As far as attracting guys it's sounds like you're using the internet for it, no offence OP but that's a very limited selection and most are creeps. Better to get out and meet guys places be around and get to know guys in your day to day life. How do you stop attracting creeps? You stop giving them your time and energy. You examine why you do give them that time and energy and you figure out a way of not needing their attention as much. Maybe that's the kind of guy who makes you tingly or maybe you're too open and forgiving of people. Maybe you're too willing to look past peoples flaws because you need male attention too much.
Above all OP and this is the most important mistake you're making. If there is something wrong with the way you're dating or the way things have gone with this guy, then the answer you seek is in you, not him. Why are you looking to him for answers? All you're doing is keeping him around when he should be gone. You know? Have some respect for yourself here, have some pride and dignity and just cut him off. My advice is to become a little more selective and cut throat in your dating habits OP, don't be afraid to just remove people like him. Don't look past people's histories nor think for one second "that's all in the past". People love to say we can change but we're born a certain way too OP, we all have inherent traits in our characters that cannot be changed, when it's a flaw that could potentially be a deal breaker then be more ruthless and don't let idle curiosity keep you fooling around with a loser.
...............................
|
