A
female
age
36-40,
*elli.25
writes:I was in a relationship for a year with a man that I loved deeper than I even knew I could. He proposed, and we always talked about our future, I was so happy. Things started going bad and we started fighting alot, which I found out was because he started using drugs again (mainly cocaine). I caught him multiple times lying to me about doing it, and that hurt, on top of the way he was treating me. He wasn't even nice to me anymore, always making me feel bad about myself and not even caring, saying horrible things about all of my friends, and just not being there for me. After an awful night of fighting I moved out, but we were supposed to work on things. I put in effort but he never did again. He would just disappear for days, and then contact me late at night to come see him. I felt so used, but I loved him so much I would take any kind of attention from him. He ended up getting fired from his job because of the drugs and has since moved back home almost halfway across the country.I know it wasn't a healthy relationship by any standards, but I miss him all the time. I keep replaying things in my head and wondering if I had reacted differently if things could have ended up better with us. Instead of being emotional and crying, what if I stopped when he asked me to and didn't move out? Would we have been able to work things out? I feel so empty and lonely, and it's been months! I still love him and want to go back to how amazing things were, yet I haven't even heard from him in weeks. How can he not miss me when all I ever wanted was to love and help him?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Loving an addict/alcoholic is tough.
do you miss HIM? with the addictions or are you missing what you think and hope could have been?
Would you consider attending Al-Anon meetings? They can't fix HIM or the relationship but they can help YOU work on YOU and find peace and serenity in dealing with him.
Loving an addict and wanting to be with them means we have to work on OUR unhealthy addictions (co-dependency, relationship addictions etc)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Everything the other agonys have said is true i had the most wonderful guy in my life and yes we both took drugs,but it changed him into the most horrible paranoid person i had ever come across the drugs destroyed him and us,i am off the drugs now and still love this guy to bits but from how he is still behaving towards me that tells me the drugs are still being used by him and unless he comes off them we can not even begin to rebuild our friendship or rekindle our love that is still there somewhere in his heart and sadly i cannot continue to wait for something that may never happen so im trying to move on which is so god damn hard
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 September 2011):
 The Important thing is to rebuild you and get you stronger.
These links may help
http://helpguide.org/topics/relationships.htm
Improving mind body and spirit
http://helpguide.org/topics/mind_body.htm
Addictions
http://helpguide.org/topics/addiction.htm
Although not in the USA these two sites are wonderful sources of information if you know someone using illicit drugs:
http://www.talktofrank.com/
http://www.samaritans.org/
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 September 2011):
I am so very very sorry you have been subjected to all this cruelty. You had a wonderful idealised view of your guy, and without the drugs it is probably true.
But the drugs represent the cruel Mistress in this relationship. You cannot fight this cruel Mistress for your guy is enslaved by her.
And ONLY he can fix this. If he is not willing to get help to get over drugs then your relationship is doomed.
If families could save their relatives from drugs and drug abuse they all would. Using hard drugs including Cocaine means he is mixing with some very bad people in order to obtain his drugs. He will get more and more desperate. You do not want to be there when he will use and abuse and do anything just to get his drugs.
And you cannot Save him from himself while he still craves Cocaine. He gets a high, but will need more and more of it to get the same high as time goes by.
And you certainly cannot settle down with this man and have children with him while he is addicted to drugs as cruel as Cocaine.
Of course you miss your guy. But it is the idealised version of your guy. The "what it might have become".
while he refuses to even consider Rehab then sadly you are wasting your time.
You could not have stopped this happening. It is NOT yoru fault and you are NOT to blame for his drug addictions.
Yes you do need to move on. And put this extremely sad situation behind you. If you think it might wake him up (one day, sometime in the future) then write him a letter, telling him how much he means/meant to you, but spelling out why you cannot be with him until he gets help to clean up his act. And until he removes Illicit Drugs from his life.
He may or may not answer you.
One day your letter may be a wake up call for him.
But if you stay he will destroy your self esteem, and you need better than that.
What he has done is all his own work.
Now you have to rebuild you and rebuild your life.
Get some positive things happening in your life.
if he tries to come back into your life (and is still telling lies and is still not drug free and is still unemployed) then he needs to get his life fully together before you relent.
The Kindest thing you can do for him is to say NO to him if he tries to return before he is Drug Free.
Some of his actions, being hurtful about your friends also demand an apology.
Try to consider taking up some new hobbies. Try revamping your hair, your wardrobe and of course your own self esteem.
It is so terribly terribly sad but until he is on the same page as you then you do need to move on.
Just because you wanted to love and help him does not mean he has the insight to appreciate that help and support. The Drugs culture he is in made him less respectful towards you. His actions were fuelled by the Illicit drugs.
You do need to protect yourself and it is not enough to want to do the things that will support and help him if he is not willing to be as respectful and supportive towards you. You need a Mutually Respectful relationship. Not the one sided one you have suffered since he became so emeshed in the Illicit Drug world.
If you can find some good Counselling to help you come to terms with this doomed relationship then please see it as it will help give you some peace in your Heart.
He was not ready for your Good kind heart and your good intentions.
I do hope that you do find happiness with a Drug Free man in the future.
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