A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with this guy who for the first time I am in love with. He is going through some financial problems in his business but things are getting better. It has not gone to the point where he couldn't pay his bills so I believe he is still good.We met in August which is my birthday month. I went to Jamaica for my birthday. We have only been talking 2 1/2 wks but still I expected a card, gift, poem or somethins nice. I received nothing but a phone call. Hey I didn't complain, we were not fully dating then so I ignored it.The third month after we met, he decided to go overseas to see if something will come out from his business dealings then. Here I am thinking we will spend the special holidays together but he ended up missing his Nov birthday, thanksgiving, xmas, new years and valentines day altogeher with me. Not a card or gift during this times as well. Mind you he left before his birthday. I packaged two cards and a cologne together for him and asked him to not open it until his birthday. See thats me thinking ahead for him cos' he is special to me.Our ist year anniversary was two weeks ago and all he did was mention it after I called him. I actually called him out on this. I told him I would have appreciated a poem. He just laughed.Now tomorrow will mark my 30th birthday and I am nervous that the same thing will repeat itself. He travelled overseas again last month and he is not expected back until the end of this month. Thank God my sister planned a Las Vegas get awat trip for me, but I will be so miserable celebrating my milestone birthday.My question is how do I handle this maturely if he doesn't send me anything for my birthday from overseas? Am I being selfish for thinking like this or asking for too much from a guy who is supposedly wanting to marry me. How can he not cater to me on those special moments in our first year of dating. I am not laying any big emphasis on gifts but how about a simple card...c'mon guys no matter how broke you are, you should still be able to afford a $19 bouquet of roses or a $3.99 card. is there anything wrong with that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFound out he doesnt give his family members birthday gifts either. I have to show him how to love him I guess lol We are good though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Did he wish you happy birthday? or did he totally forget that it was your birthday? I think most people would find it odd that he didnt' give you a birthday gift of some sort. I mean, does he give his mom anything on her birthday? his sister? his dad? well if the answer is no he doesn't then I guess that makes it not so strange that he didn't get you anything either and I wouldn't think anything about it.but if he does give his family members birthday gifts but not you, then I would find that strange and concerning.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys it turns out I didn't receive anything from him on my birthday but this time around I brought the issue to the forefront and he sincerely seem apologetic...I am ok now and like the last comment, I am learning to accept him for who he is. I think when things gets better and he stops chasing his career that things will be better. I know he loves me thats all that matters right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): well if he's just not a romantic guy then that's just who he is, and if you want to have a relationship with him you need to learn to accept him for who he is not be trying to change him into someone he isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments guys and Happy belated birthday Chris.I feel like I cannot be that direct with him because I am trying to be the considerate girlfriend who understands his current situation with money and will hope that things will change when he gets his money back up.I didn't even have to ask about his stance about romance. He always told him how he had treated and spoilt women in the past and how he feels bad that the one woman he finally wants to settle down with is not enjoying all the things he was able to do for his women in the past. So I have tried not to be too hard on him hoping he wont get too comfortable and think I don't like those romantic gestures. As understanding as I am, I just would think he would randomly just buy me something even if it is $1. He always tells me that what can he give a woman that has everything. That statement right there doesnt sit well with me because I dont feel like I have everything or act like one. A woman just wants to feel special from time to time. I have expressed to him how I like a simple poem and I have a feeling he thinks Im comparing him to my exes and thats the reason why he is rebelling on doing what I want him to do for me.At the end of the day I still love him. I just wish he was more romantic. I asked how he felt about romance and he gave me an answer that seem like a joke and I hope it is a joke. His response was " Don't you see how I am with you on bed" I was like that is not romance lol Is he just clueless?I hope I am not cutting him too much slack then end up miserable and unhappy at the end. I am giving him ebough room to get his things together then I can really tell him my mind if things doesnt change.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 August 2011):
No you're not being selfish, but you are being unfair to him by not being direct and honest with him the previous times when you were disappointed, and what you want from him. You can't expect him to read your mind and know what you want, and how much it means to you, unless you tell him directly.
I don't think it's considered a no-brainer that he should send you a card on those special occasions. You are assuming that he should "just know" to do this, but he may really not see it that way. He may come from a personal background where people in his life seldom exchanged gifts, where love was shown in other ways (like doing mundane things for each other instead of romantic things).
Don't set him up to "fail" yet again, by not telling him that he's under scrutiny in the first place. You should tell him that it's very important to you that romantic partners show their love through these romantic gestures (and then name them). Tell him that you were disappointed when he didn't do those things, and that you hope he will do them in the future because it means a lot to you. Don't just keep quiet and stew in your disappointment that he didn't cater to you yet again, or make off-the-cuff comments (like how you would have appreciated a poem and then he laughed and presumably that was the end of that). making one-off comments is only slightly better than saying nothing, it doesn't convey the real extent of how important it is to you, which is probably why he just laughed.
And furthermore, don't blame him for not having read your mind that you want him to cater to you. Instead, ask him how he sees these kinds of romantic gestures - does he think they are superficial? Unnecessary? Only for "younger" people like teenagers? Is he burned out on romance because of previous failed relationships? there could be lots of reasons he didn't do those gestures, so try to take a step back and understand where he's coming from, then share with him your perceptions and tell him directly what you would like him to do. But don't make this into a judgment on his character or a wrong-versus-right thing (i.e. don't take the position that it's a universal truth that it's Wrong for a man not to do these romantic gestures) or else he'll probably just get defensive about his stance and not tell you anything useful about his position, or be willing to hear about yours.
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reader, Christopherrrrrrrr  +, writes (23 August 2011):
 Hi,Happy birthday for tomorrow, mine is today!!Anyway now that't out of the way - to my humble opinion bit.When he returns, try to talk to him, tell him how you feel. If he loves you he will respond. If not then you'll either get the angry "You don't know hard things are for me speech" or, if he's a proper man, he will say so. If he does these things though, the catch is that you have to remind him if he isn't doing these things. While he's away, try to define a period you will allow him before which you'll point it out. Also, try to define a time period at which you have to concede defeat (don't tell him this of course!!). If you're meant to be then it will happen. If it isn't then the right person is waiting for you somewhere. Goodluck. Take care x
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