A
female
age
36-40,
*W1205
writes:I'm 19 and he's 22, we've been together 9 months. 2 months ago, he took a job offer in his hometown. Now I'm in NC (school, working and living at home) and he's in PA (working and living with his parents). He took the job up there b/c he likes the area, likes to snowmobile, the job pays well and good benefits and he needed to get away from a city so he can figure himself and career out. I understand that but I'm having a hard time b/c I miss him and he keeps going back and fourth about whether or not I'm the 'one' for him and whether he's ready to make a decision involving someone else. He's always been independent and I'm fairly dependent. When I'm upset I act like it and lately I've been upset a lot so I call him crying or asking why he puts me on the 'back burner' to just about everything. He used to listen and reassure me and now he gets mad and suggests that we break up (he's never been like this). He never wants to try figure things out. He's a great guy and I know he has no interest in any girls and I know he loves me...I just don't understand how you can care so much about someone (like he says and usually acts like he does) but not want to do what it takes to make it work. Basically - he'd be fine by himself and without me but I wouldn't be for a long time. I just want to know what to do to make this work because I believe he's the 'one' for me. And I just want him to want me like he used to...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Okay, sorry for the pseudo-mommy lecture first response. Now for some immediate practical advice.
First, don't call him more than once a day. And don't cry if you can help it at all during the call. If he calls you more than once a day, that's fine, but you only call him once a day, or less if you've talked a lot. And don't always answer your phone if you know it's him. Really.
Second, if you find yourself reaching for the phone after that, dial someone else's number, a girlfriend you can talk to would be best.
Third, although I know you're busy with school and work and your parents, find or develop another interest or hobby to take up some time. Volunteer for Meals on Wheels, or Habitat for Humanity or your local food bank, if you're of the mind. Or you can take up painting, or music, or sports. The point is to find something you're interested in that can take up some hours in the week, and where you're exposed to lots of people and can have some fun. And it puts you somewhere where you can't always be available to talk to him.
Then, if you can stand to do it, start being a bit vague about where you've been and who you've been with when you talk to him--remember, you call him only once a day, not more--but stay cheerful and nice about it. You'll have some new friends to talk to and maybe you won't need him quite so much for your emotional needs.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2008):
Hi, I'm afraid this might sound a bit brutal of me, and I'm sorry for that.
You are doing something that is almost guaranteed to drive a man away, expecting him to be responsible for your happiness. YOU are in charge of your life and developing yourself, your schooling, your career, your interests. If you are serious about this man who is following his path you need to figure out what your own path is. And please don't say that it's only him, because that's putting a huge burden on a young man who is still growing and learning.
You are still young and from what I understand, still in school. You have a lot to learn about being independent and self confident in yourself; this will take time and effort on your part.
I can understand why he's getting tired of reassuring you, it sounds like he's being honest with you, but you have a huge need in you that he is not in a position to fill at this point in his life.
If you really want to get him back, you have to start with making yourself independent of him. I know this might sound a bit backwards, but most of the great guys I know are with women who are interesting, smart, self-confident with interests of their own. These women make people want to be with them because of their own positive energy.
There was a movie out a few years ago, I think the title was "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." The strategy was to be really clingy, demanding, emotionally draining and just frankly a pain in the rear.
Focus on yourself right now and think about how to improve and develop your skills, strengths and finish your education. Don't put the burden on him, dear, unless you want to drive him away.
And this is from one who's been there, done that. Really, it took me a long time to figure that out.
All the best.
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