A
female
age
41-50,
*othermother
writes:I am a 30 year single mum of 4, over 3 years ago I split with a violent ex. I met a fantastic man last year, he was a few years younger and didn't have children of his own. We met online and we chatted for 8 weeks, sometimes we were up all night. He knew about my children and past and he still decided to make a go of things. He is still at uni. We spent 6 months together, he stayed at my house 5 days out of 7, and we were so madly in love, he always told me I was gorgeous and made me feel special. We never argued and alway laughed. He bonded fantasticly with the children and encouraged them with their eduation. He has been worried about telling mum about me, but last Tuesday he did, well come Thursday he finished with me and I am so upset, he gave loads of excuses one being he didn't love, then he changed it to he can't bring up someone elses kids but the night we finished with me he stayed, we cried it was awlful, I told him to just go and leave me alone although I didn't mean it, but he refused, he wanted me to confirm I will always be his friend (bestfriends) he came over and rang me all the way till Wednesday crying, telling he loved me and kissed me and held me and he wanted to be in my life forever but on the Wednesday night I lost it when he was trying to go coz the whole time he was here his mum rang him, I stopped him from going like the idiot I am. Since then he has ignored me, switched off his phone so I tried the landline his mum was bluntly rude. Then on Friday he changed his relationship status on face book and hours later he deleted me, I was so hurt so I went to his house, his mother opened the door and I asked to speak to him, she said don't you understand it's over then she fetched him down, then he told me he didn't love me and wanted me out of his life forever, he looked drained and tired and in pain, he then went away and his mum spoke down at me and made me feel small and worthless stating that he has wanted to finish it for months and that he only came over so much after ending coz he felt sorry for me. Is it normal to tell someone how you love them after finishing a relationship, this hurts so much more so now as he said he didn't love me or want to be friends in front of his mother, I'm so confused. Is it worth holding out and hope maybe he didn't mean it, and that he will find the strength to stand up to his mother.He contacted we since via email, but I ignored him for a day then contacted me again asking me to reply, I stupidly spoke to him on msn, he wants to carry on talking as friends, what shall I do?
View related questions:
met online, msn, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, glittergirl  +, writes (29 January 2009):
DO NOT talk to this bum of a man! If he can't figure out what he wants without talking to his momma, then he isn't worth your time. Stand up for yourself and love yourself and don't let any man treat you in this fashion.
You have to fully love yourself honey before anyone esle can. You are worth more than that.
Men who truly love you will not treat you like that.
Good luck and keep your chin up!
----Good quote to remember----
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Call this one a day...I'm serious. A Mommy's Boy is a grown man who is far too enmeshed emotionally and co-dependant on his mother to the point of absurdity. Men like this never have healthy relationship a with love interest. His dating partner will always feels 2nd best, all the time. Guys like this turn to their Mothers for approval on all he does. And what she says..goes. So it's pretty tough to 'separate' a guy like this, from his Mother. And it's plain to see, she has been your 'judge and jury' and she feels you are not the one for her son. I am not sure if you can ever get her in your corner,.
Most adult men, at this age (assuming he's close to your age) have been away from the nest for quite a few years. Some do styill live with their parents but manage a seperate life from the parents. But this is not the case, here. She's a huge influence on his thinking. And I am not sure if you can make him choose between you and her. And it shouldn't have to be this way, should it. Sorry to say, but if he's going to choose, she likely will win and you will lose. It's happened already.
I dated a Mama's boy when I was 18. A nice fellow, but I recognized quickly I was not in this, to compete with her and she hated any woman coming within 3 feet of her son so I ended it. To this day (and he's 55) he has never married. Why..because very few women tolerate men who are like this. Because they know, that being a Mama's boy doesn’t usually bode well in any type of love relationship because he’ll probably put her ahead of you, thus damaging your relationship and causing you a lot of pain in your future.
As for this Mother of his, she could be really quite exploitive, likely a strong willed person and her actions do not say 'love' for her son, at all. It's all about entitlement and control. She's a taker and he is mistaking her manipulations for healthy love. He may see that someday. The only way you and he will have a healthy good relationship, is for this Mom to step back and allow him to have his own life. There is no other way. And he needs to grow a spine and live his life without her, influencing him so badly.
I suggest you let this one go. Sounds like he is far too enmeshed in his Mother's life, at this stage. To be with him, will require great feats of patience and tolerance...and pussy footing around him and this woman. One word of frustration about his Mom, will have him running back to her. You can't have such an unreliable, man in your life. You deserve someone who can make his decisions, and live his own life without input from his Mother. I dunno...sounds a bit unhealthy to me.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 I think it is pretty clear what is going on. First, lets be blunt.
You are an adult woman with no less then four kids. Western women on average nowadays have fewer then 2 kids. (well in europe at least, french women are having the most with 2.02 kids on average).
As a first impression, this says something about you and it probably won't be very flattering. At least not to a mother whose son you are dating.
He is still at uni. I presume therefor that you two are not the same age and that the usual age-gap is reversed. You are a bit older then him right? Not that it should matter, but to mother whose young son is being pursued by an older women with four kids, it does.
You are NOT the blushing bride she imagined for her son. Be fair, you got kids, how would you feel if your son you are putting through university came home with you?
When he told his mother, she told him her mind and had his own mind made up for him. Men, young men especially, are like that. You won't be the first wife/partner to notice that the mother-in-law is the one in control of your partner.
He hasn't changed so quickly, he was changed. His mommy told him you are a bad influence and he is no longer allowed to play with you.
For him, there are choices. He agrees with his mom, and listens to her. He disagrees with his mom, but still listens to her. He disagrees with his mom and goes against her wishes.
It seems pretty clear his mother is the cause of the rift. Her reasons also seem pretty obvious, an older divorcerced mother of four is hardly what most mothers want for their son. You might be perfect for him and make him more happy then anyone else but good luck convincing her of that.
There is a change he indeed only went out with you because he felt sorry or for the sex. I doubt it, you are a mature women and seeem sensible enough I presume you would be able to tell if his emotional distress was just an act.
He needs to decice what he wants to do, listen to his mother or to his own heart.
You got a troublesome mother-in-law. Suprise suprise.
...............................
|
