A
female
age
36-40,
*eeshell
writes:So here is a background, my boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. We live about 1.5 hrs apart and see each other at least once a week. He's a firefighter so on the days he is working, he can't always text me. He has this big test coming up in a couple weeks evaluating all of his training (fire fighting, paramedic skills, rescue, etc.). We never fight. We get along so well. Our two fights, which weren't even that bad, were both miscommunications and assumptions--probably due to the distance. I saw him 3 weeks ago, we spent the day together, I stayed the night, and made breakfast before he had to go back to the station and I had to drive back up to where I live to go to work. He's the best I've ever had. We have great chemistry. But only a few days after I saw him last he stopped texting and calling as much. When he called, no voicemail. He couldn't see me because he was busy with his test. He wouldn't respond anything but short answers to my texts. Then I go down to visit my law school and visit him for the weekend. I'm originally from that city and was going to move back even before I met him, so it's not like I was changing any of my life plans for him. We have a great weekend, except when I told him I loved him, he just said "mmmhmmm". Then sunday things were weird and I asked him what was going on. AT first I was trying to be patient and supportive by not saying that his lack of contact was hurting me because I didn't want to stress him out even more. But when he didn't say he loved me back, and was acting strange before I was about to drive back north I had a weird feeling.He said that I was going to law school and things were getting serious. He said he was having doubts about our relationship and doesn't see himself marrying me. I haven't asked for marriage anytime soon. I have 3 years of school I have worked very hard to get to. I have to take the BAR exam. He didn't know why he was feeling that way. He likes talking to me, spending time with me, we get a long so well, the sex is great, we take care of eachother, but he just saw an end. I said that I wasn't asking for marriage anytime soon and if we're happy why can't we just live for today. He said that if he stayed with me and then we broke up while I was in law school he wouldn't forgive himself because he knows how hard I worked to get there and he knew I would be hurt enough it would effect my work. I kept asking why. I was so confused, and hurt, devastated. I asked why he didn't see himself marrying me, he didn't know. He said he was confused himself, but didn't want to draw it out if he saw an end. He was crying. This guy is a mans man, very even keel. I've never seen him like this. I thought he was the one. We just worked so well, his mom adores me, I get along great with his friends, his dad and stepmom like me (I think, they did get me christmas and birthday presents and sent me a congratulations card when I got my scholarship). I'm at a loss. I asked if he just wanted to take a break to figure things out, I was ok. He said that he didn't want to put me in limbo, that it wasn't fair to me. That there was nothing wrong with me, it was him--cliche I know. He said that he wouldn't change a thing about me. He said I was beautiful, smart, funny, devoted, and loving. Everything he could want in a wife, but he just didn't see it that way. He kept telling me I could still call him, but it was over.I called the next day because I couldn't sleep. It didn't make sense. If you're happy with someone and you love them, then why leave them? So I asked if he was even in love with me anymore. He said that he thinks about me all the time, that cares for me deeply, but doesn't think it's 'there' anymore. I asked if it was the last time I saw him. He said, yah everything was great.Can someone really fall out of love overnight? Doubt a relationship and shut off? I never thought this would happen with him. I trusted him with everything. I even have a voicemail from 2 and a half weeks before the breakup after he had to bail on our plans because of a family event. He told me how much he loves me, and wants me to know that, to always remember it. How can someone change their heart so much? My stomach hurts, I've been keeping busy, but I love him so much. He was my whole world. He was so good to me. I don't understand. His mother called me to tell me to hang in there and that I'm a sweetheart and that she'll be here for me. He texted me the other morning to see if I was sleeping (he knew I didn't work Monday because I was so upset and didn't sleep) and going to work. I just said 'yes'.I'm at a loss. Is there even hope? I know even if there is I need to take this time and focus on myself, and keep busy. But I just don't know what to make of this. I was blindsided. He was the best I ever had, he said he hadn't been happier with anyone than he was with me. How can you make someone the happiest, get along so well, and all those things, but fall out of love so quickly?Sorry this was so long, but I am so confused.
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female
reader, Meeshell +, writes (14 April 2010):
Meeshell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your replies. I have been struggling with this, I had never thought he would be the one to just walk away one day. But you're right, I should be with someone who loves me as much as I do them. If I gave so much of myself for him, and he still decides that's not good enough, then as much as it hurts I have to let go. He checked in on me to see how I was doing, I haven't called or responded back yet. I'm just not ready to be his friend yet. I love him like a girlfriend right now and need to get past thinking about him without crying or missing him before I can be just a friend. I really appreciate all of the insight, I was going to message his best friend/roommate's girlfriend to see if he had any more details why he decided he didn't see himself marrying me, but no answer is going to make me feel better, so I just have to let it go. Thanks again, now I jsut have to try to move on and get the hurt to stop. Heartache is the worst, I have never hurt this bad.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Sounds a little like me and my girlfriend. We were together for 4.5 years. I did love her and we had a good thing going. But I ended it basically because I thought I could do better. She was my first girlfriend and I didn't want to go through life only having had one serious relationship and wondering if I could have landed my dream girl as opposed to this girl that was just "good enough". It was in the back of my mind for years, but once it came to the front of my mind it was over very quickly.You are still young and can still find a good man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): I'm sort of going through the same thing. I think two people can get along really really really well and deeply care for each other but not really be "right" for each other for a long term relationship that leads to marriage. Things don't have to get ugly in a relationship to end it. I have a close male friend who has broken up with his last girlfriend because he just realized that she and he weren't "right" for each other in the end. He said he still loved her and that things were going well when he ended it. BUT he said that there was just this inexplicable gut feeling that she wasn't right for him; it's not that she was horrible or did something bad, he still thought she was a sweet beautiful girl. And he had to break up with her knowing this because it would be unfair for her if he continued. (I can vouch for my friend, he is not a player, he definitely does not cycle through women, he believes in dating seriously and would like to meet the right person to marry). So I agree with the other answerer. It looks like your bf was being kind (or cruel to be kind I suppose)to end it when he did. I mean I do see his point of view because of my male-friend. But at the same time, I'm in your situation right now. I"m trying to view it as the answerer and my male-friend said for my own sake and sanity. It's tough, but it's true, if the other side isn't on the same page with you right now, there's no fighting it. It takes two for a relationshp to work, and you alone aren't going to make it so. Try not to take it too personally (don't get me wrong, it's hurting) because ultimately it's two people in this whole world who gave it a shot, they weren't quite a good fit, it's not that there was something wrong with any one person, but now you can move on and find a better fit. You're young, you have a career ahead of you, you'll be fine :) And it's great that even his mom is supportive of you. I would try not to depend on him though, because you need to be able to get over it (even my male-friend said that as hard as it was, he had to be unavailable to his ex-gf because he knew that she needed to not see him to get over it). And at the LEAST, you deserve someone who will love you and want to spend his whole life with you :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): I'm sorry to hear of what has happened. From what you have told us, there does not seem to be any indication that he will change his mind. He made it clear that he does not see a future with you and that really sums up the whole situation. As the last poster said, its almost a good thing that he told you when he did. He obviously cares for you deeply enough not to waste your time.The best thing you can do now is basically keep busy set up a routine, study work and find lots of time to do 'me stuff'. Go shopping, treat yourself, read anything that keeps your mind occupied. TAke care and I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 April 2010):
He didn't fall out of love with you overnight. It sounds like you two did have a good relationship so he probably had to do something thinking before actually ending the relationship. What he is saying is true, he think you're beautiful, smart, great, etc., but he apparently doesn't know what he has and doesn't want that.
I'm sorry that you're so hurt. Believe me, I know what it's like to be in love with someone where the relationship was great and you think they're the one, only to have a bomb dropped on you. But I think you need honesty to help you get over it somewhat. However, him saying he can't see himself marrying you and doesn't see a future with you is BIG. That in itself means that there is really no hope. I'm not saying that he may regret his decision a year or even 10-years from now, but in the time being, the relationship is over.
And honestly, he really is doing you a favor. In a way, it's good that he doesn't want to string you along just because you're 'happy' now. It's not fair to you to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't love you anymore. You're better off and he knows that you deserve better.
So for now, be strong. Continue keeping yourself busy and trying your best to keep your mind off of him. I found this one youtube. It's a 3-part video, but I think they are all SOOO helpful and true. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gB2o3P5CMHM&feature=channel
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