A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:how to tel if a woman is over her last long term relo?Got involved with new girl, we been togather 8 months now , previous to me she was in 4 year relationship. but just wondering what are the signs to see if she has fully moved on (without secretly still missing her ex) she could be using me for all i know, any ideas? rather here from ladies if they could tell me what to look out for, cheers
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Hi
Yes you are thinking a little too much. Please do not dump your insecurities on her as I think it is too early. And the load you dump on her may scare her.
I think these trust issues are about you, not her.
Eight months is a good time, but would still be considered 'early' days in a relationship.
Far better to keep it light and happy.
Yes you love her and that is lovely.
Make sure your time together is fun. Keep it happy. Be respectful to her at all times. Allow yourself to trust her even though that might be against what you have done in the past.
But meanwhile...... (drum roll....)
Concurrently will you please consider advancing at double quick time to a professional counsellor to work through your issues with a professinal, face to face, on why trust this is such a big hurdle for you. And why you fear so much that she may not yet have moved on?
And please do not imagine that it is only guys who get hurt in relationships - because both guys and girls do get hurt and very deeply sometimes. Guys can and do cry at the end of a relationship and so do girls when they are deeply hurt.
Sadly always being worried is, I think, far more likely to derail the relationship, than trusting that together you can work out anything together.
That said I think eight months is still early days. I know, I have heard of people marrying just 6 weeks after they have met. But that is not a way I would recommend, even though it may work very very well (long term) for some people.
To put this in perspective: my first husband announced to me after three months that he was going to marry me. I was taken aback. And I asked him, 'do I get any say in this?' In the end i asked him to put off such thoughts until we have known each other for at least twelve months. And then, after we were engaged, I wanted a further twelve months, at least, to be very very sure before we married. Not because I did not love him, I did, but I wanted to iron out anything that might need to be discussed in detail before the day, so we could relax after we married. And even then there were greater challenges (health ones) that I had not even anticipated. It is very hard to cover all the bases even when everything looks rosy.
But Good Trust in any relationship is essential. You can rebuild your bruised heart to love AND trust again. But you have some issues that need a little work. And at this early stage i think it is your responsibility to solve those trust issues, not expect her to add the role of counsellor to her existing role of girlfriend.
I think it is your job to get the professional face to face support to work through this issue. Once the counselling is going well and you feel better you can or cannot choose to tell her how much she means to you, that you love her so much that you chose to get some counselling to ensure that you could overcome some past isues that were affecting you. And you wanted to have a relationship that you and she deserved, where the trust was high on both sides.
Best wishes
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Abella, i just dont want to get hurt again and go down the path of heartbreak, i love her with all my heart but i know it is the guy that always loves that gets hurt. My insecurities and paranoia due to past hurt tend to rise to the surface, it may destroy what we have but thats the thing, i need to know if she is fully over the past, because if we do happen to fall apart, how will i tell, if it is me that destroyed it, or her? or do i just think to much? At end of the day i want to go to her and seek help but at times i feel she needs to get away and not deal with my issues, it hought if 2 people love eachother they come to eachother when in times of desperation and help?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 June 2012):
yes, you do need to Value You more highly. Get every ounce of pleasure and joy and delight from the relationship as if there is no tomorrow.
Even if she has the tiniest Skerrick of thinking about him, put it to the back of your mind.
OK some girls like to be cool (and look bored) and think that is the zenith of sophistication.
Whereas the happiest couples I know are calmly confident that they ARE with the ONE.
And they are devoted and adoring in a 'reliable' sort of way. Not a mushy overly sentimental way. But a way that says they are fully confident that they each made the right decision, to be with each other. And they Really LIKE each other's company. There is no diffidence, no falseness.
Whereas the multi-married now Ex's of people I know of are often petty and selfish. They get offended easily. They make a fight out of something not worth fighting over. Their EGO is fragile and very easily offended. They have a sharp tongue and talk first and try to apologize later, if they do apologize. They can be vindictive when thwarted. They are not averse to gossiping about private things that should be private. They think it is funny (it's not) to say dumb things in public designed to embarras their partner. And they fight dirty and play silly games, eg tit for tat silly games with each other (eg. if you can cheat with .. then i'll show you and I'll up the ante and cheat with...and .....)
In effect they destroy the relationship by their own actions. And then they ask later, 'can anyone tell me why four different women have divorced me? Guess i am just unlucky.' (no he or she if it is her - they just don't get what ruins relationships)
And no relationship is perfect 24/7 and 365 days a year. It often helps to leave the ego outside the front door.
Compromise and some give and take will smooth over the toughest disagreements.
There is no shame in admitting one is wrong.
And if you have a beautiful relationship but it falters after 3 years or 60 years and all is not lost.
Pick yourself up. Book a trip to some far flung place overseas.
There is never just one perfect person for you.
Around the globe there are hundreds, possible hundreds of thousands of absolutely perfect matches for you all over the word.
Have faith and trust that this relationship will last the distance and give you great joy.
It is not a guarantee, but at least it is better than the feeling sick to your stomach when anyone starts to throw insulting remarks at each other as trust in the relationship starts to shatter.
Do some things that are very Supportive of YOU. Join a local ghyn where guys can give you good advice. Renovate the room you always meant to. Do family things together.
Most of all listen to her. Make sure you understand what she is saying and why.
If you have a hobby and if she has a hobby too then take an interest in each other's interest.
But as far as evaluating you against the other guy/s: STOP doing that. It's destructive.
Don't you think you DESERVE a good relationship?
Keep the communication flowing. Never play that nasty game of not speaking to each other, as a deliberate punishment tool. It is TOO DESTRUCTIVE. .
Try to remind yourself all the time that she has been happy to be with you for eight months.
Focus your energy on keeping her happy now.
Not thinking of how you might be - with you unhappy some time in the future - because that is wasted energy - stressing over what may never happen
Best wishes for your future together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Abella, i just dont want to get hurt again and go down the path of heartbreak, i love her with all my heart but i know it is the guy that always loves that gets hurt. My insecurities and paranoia due to past hurt tend to rise to the surface, it may destroy what we have but thats the thing, i need to know if she is fully over the past, because if we do happen to fall apart, how will i tell, if it is me that destroyed it, or her? or do i just think to much lol
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 June 2012):
If she remembers his birthdays and their anniversaries or gets a little jaded and distracted when it is his birthday, the day they met, then she is still thinking of him.
If she still keeps photos of him in a folder on her laptop then he is still important to her. If she hides the folder very deeply on her lap top she has no intention of losing those photos. It would upset her.
Can you cope with ther fact that those photos represent an important part of her life? if she only looks at the photos occasionally then they are not as big a threat as if she were writing to the guys and sending them emails on a regular basis.
She seeks to visit places where they used to go. And if you do visit those places (maybe unwittingly on your part) then she will bring up memories and mention things she did with him at those places.
She sees something (for instance a character doing something/saying something /wearing something) on TV and just out of nowhere she might comment that "X used to wear/do/go/like ......X or Y or Z"
Conversely you should be aware of whether her emphasis (when interacting with you) seems to be 99% about her eager to connection with you. Eager to develop the experiences/memories/special times that will define your relationship with her as really truly "special" to both you and her.
You have some possible insecurities about this. Believe in yourself. She has Chosen to be with you. She has left him and she is with you. Celebrate your joy of being with her and Celebrate it often. Listen to her carefully. Know what is important to her. Know her favorite things, colours, authors, flowers, places etc.
Enjoy your moments with her.
Try not to taint it with your insecurities about who she loves the most.
She is WITH you. Find Joy in this fact.
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