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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How am I supposed to forgive and get over what my ex did? I was with a man for 3 years, but knew him for about 2 years before dating. We were best friends before dating. So I had around 5 years invested into him. We really were very close. We knew everything about each other and were very open and trusted each other a lot. We had a an amazing connection mentally, physically, and sexually. I honestly thought we had the perfect relationship and that I would marry him and have kids one day. I knew he was 'the one'. He never gave me any indication as to what was about to unravel and basically destroy me. He got back in touch with an old Ex girlfriend which I knew about. Claimed they both just wanted a friendship, and I didn't have a problem with it so I thought all was good. About 2 months later he looked me in the eyes and said they he was in love with this ex girlfriend and that he hasn't been happy with me for months. Which I was really upset and confused because he told me he loved me everyday and we had a sexual relationship daily so I still have no idea how long he actually felt this way. So not only did I get dumped for her, but he completely disappeared on me. I heard from him one time about a week after he broke up with me, he said he was sorry for everything, and that was it. That was over a month ago. He didn't even collect the rest of his items he left at my place. He kind of just threw me away like trash, is how I honestly feel. It's weird how someone I considered my everything, can go from being in love with me, to dumping me for someone else and never talking to me again, practically over night. I don't know how I'm suppose to just get over this and move on? I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but this has literally destroyed me.
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 While clichéd, time is the healer of all emotional wounds here.
I know I mourned my first ex-girlfriend for 6 months -- a lot longer than the relationship lasted itself. She broke my heart and it took a LONG time to get over it.
Love can be like a drug and when one doesn't have that chemical anymore, emotional withdrawals can occur. It can also leave us scratching our heads wondering what we did wrong or what we could've done differently to change the outcome.
It does sound like your ex-boyfriend's feelings towards you changed. Unfortunately that is a fact of life -- as well as a risk in dating. Your emotional commitment may not be reciprocated to the extent of which you would've liked. And it hurts...
It seems like your ex tried to extend his condolences towards you. And his apology, while probably seemingly disingenuous was his attempt to close the door on it.
Given time, the pain will pass on this.
The world is a big place and there are a TON of men to meet. One of them (or many) will be able to fill the void in your life that your ex once did. I don't believe in soulmates and one day down the line you will find someone who will capture your attention. And I guarantee you will say, "Thank God, I didn't want up with XYZ". I know I do all the time.
In the meantime, I hope you allow yourself time to grieve and once you feel ready, open to meeting new people. I also hope you take this opportunity to rediscover yourself and what you are passionate about. Now that you are unencumbered, you can really take a risk and live out your dreams.
Be patient and kind to yourself. Life, and love will go on if you give it a chance.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 February 2016):
 "How am I supposed to forgive and get over it?"
By accepting that this was NOT your doing. By not taking responsibility for HIS action.
HE made that choice to get back in touch with her.
He chose to LIE to you and say they were "just" friends.
He chose to end it with you.
YOU can't control his actions, thoughts or feelings. Only HE can.
What he did wasn't cool at all. He held on to you till he was SURE he had a "replacement" (her) - he held on to you while checking out the "greener grass". Not really the actions of a super great BF, is it?
My advice, find a box, pack all his crap in it. ALL of it, don't even bother with "sentimental value things" - pack it all. Then text him and let him know he can pick up OUTSIDE your house from date XX to date XX - if he doesn't pick it up, it goes in the trash. YOU are under no obligations to be his storage room.
As for how you feel. Well, it will take time. Being "replaced" for an ex can't feel good. He pulled the rung from under you. If he had TRULY loved you, he wouldn't have wanted to replace you at all. So on top of lying about the "we are just friends" he also lied about how he felt about you. He was FAKE as heck the last few months.
Make YOURSELF the focus of your life - do things YOU like to do, hang with friend and family who care about you. And try to let him go.
As for the forgiveness? YOU do not OWE him forgiveness. YOU owe it to yourself. You OWE it to yourself to not let this ONE man/relationship define you.
Forgiving yourself for NOT knowing what he did behind your back is essential. There was no way you could have known that an otherwise good person would DO this to you.
And it CERTAINLY didn't happen because YOU are not good enough or that SHE is better. She might be a better "fit" for him. For now. And in time you WILL find someone amazing who want NO ONE but you.
Take your time process it. Don't isolate yourself and try your best to NOT keep going over it in your head to figure out what YOU did wrong. HE is the one that did wrong.
Chin up. There is a whole world out there.
Maybe this is good time for you to think of something that YOU have always wanted to do and then GO for them!
I had a really sad break up after my first BF and for a while I didn't eat, laugh, do anything - and my mom showed me some of my aunts art (my aunt lived in Italy at the time) so I spend some month saving up some money and went to Firenze to visit and I had such a great time travelling. Find something you want to do. Be it take an evening class, travel (don't travel alone though), volunteer... something!
It will get better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2016): Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this. I was dumped four months ago. I've been depressed for three months. I just went out on my first date last Saturday.
My point is it takes time to get over the heartache. You're going to feel like crap for a few months. But eventually you'll move on. Personally I like to feel as sad as possible. Then after a few months I get tired of being sad and get up and get out of the house. It's a process.
You're not a drama queen. You're human. A real person with feelings. Breakups sucks. You'll be ok. It just takes time.
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