A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife since 2001 (15 years now). One thing that has always bothered me is how while I introduce her to all of my friends I only get to meet some of hers. She is a lot more social than I am and has a lot larger social circle, but also she meets a lot of people through her work in the film industry. I understand that she might be expected to maintain a larger network than I need to, but even so there are often things that happen which make me feel like she is intentionally keeping me away from certain people. I would not say that I am worried she is having affairs as much as I feel like she is somehow ashamed of me even though I am pretty successful, am better educated, and actually make a lot more money than she does so it is certainly not because it is because I am a failure in life yet she still seems ashamed of me.What prompted me to write this was that my wife had a (female) friend over for dinner. They were talking about holiday parties and my wife mentioned one that happened a few years back at a very posh restaurant. I remembered that and said: "Oh yeah, that was the one you were not invited to." She told her friend: "Oh we weren't, but we went anyway and some people were shocked to see us." Well, for that particular restaurant I would have liked to have gone and I feel like my wife lied about not being invited and not going. I would have liked to go!It seems like a small thing, but she does this often. I later on hear that she went to this event or that event and I am never invited. Sometimes she says that "+1" is not allowed or that it was "last minute" or "you would not have liked the people there." Even worse, sometimes she has asked me to take her to or from these events (so that she doesn't have to worry about parking or so she can drink). I really do feel like for whatever reason she doesn't want me to be there. Even when I do go she steers me away from certain people. I know that part of it is that it's her crowd and her scene and she doesn't want me to impinge but on the other hand we are married for so many years now she can't act like she's some single woman working the room despite if it helps her career or not.One recent thing that upset me is that she finally did take me to a high-profile event. When I went to get a drink I ran into an old friend of hers who didn't remember me. We had last met maybe 6 years ago but I remembered the friend. I said: "I know you!" but she had forgotten me and wanted to know how I knew her. I said: "I know you through (my wife's name)." After some reminding her response was: "Oh wow, that was 6 years ago!" and it wasn't framed in terms of "You remember me after 6 years?" but more like "I can't believe you guys are still together after 6 years." (I wanted to say: "20 actually and married for 15 but I did not.)Most of my wife's friends either don't know me or else don't realize how long we have been together because she intentionally excludes me from certain circles of friends. It is insulting for people to finally meet me and conclude I am some boyfriend du jour when I have actually known my wife longer (much longer!) than most of them have. Like I said, I don't think it has anything to do with her having some sort of illicit contact as much as she is ashamed to introduce me. After all this time I feel like calling her out on it. I have done so I few times but she tells me I am just jealous or makes other excuses. It is to the point that I feel like introducing myself to every person I meet who has some history with her as: "Hi! I am her husband of 15 years! Who the hell are you?" but I know she would say that that is exactly why she hasn't made introductions. I am not a boor but I still feel like somehow she is ashamed of me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): hmm I think that there could be a number of things going on, and it isn't necessarily that she is ashamed of you. Are you a flirt? Maybe she doesn't like bringing you places with lots of glammed up ladies for you to ogle at!
Or, maybe she just likes feeling free to chat away (innocently) and sees it as separate from spouse-time.
I think you need to talk to her and express how deeply this bothers you, because your wife is the only one who can answer the "whys" and also include you more in future.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 January 2017):
She is trying, successfully to keep you from seeing how she behaves when you're not around. Not that I'm implying she is doing anything wrong. My question is why do you an educated successful man who makes more money than her put up with being treated like this?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 The only advice I can give you is talk to her. At the end of the day this is affecting you and your confidence. Nobody wants to feel that there partner is ashamed by them. You need to talk to her about how you feel. If she puts you down or calls you jealous then I would pack a bag and leave until you can sort this out. If she sees just how much this is effecting you maybe she will make more off an effort or explain to you why she does this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): Hmmm... it sounds a bit dodgy to me... many people here are saying the folks in the film industry aren't very nice, but I'd have thought you could deal with that in your own way!I am concerned that she seems to keep you away from certain people. A friend of my wife's would do that, and it was beause some of those people didn't know she was even married!But it's easy to assume the worst, I don't know your wife and can't accuse her of anything but I understand why you are worried. Have you asked her why she's doing it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): To be honest, I think you're reading too into it. You mentioned she worked in the film industry, and that convinced me enough. These people that she doesn't seem to want you to meet are probably not friends but people she has to network with, and she doesn't want to introduce much of her personal life to these people. Not that she's ashamed, but that it's not really the proper setting. It's hard to explain, but it's just the way the industry is. I too work in the film/tv industry. Relationships between two people in the industry can be very fake.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 "professional persona" that she doesn't want to "put on" in front of you. EXACTLY.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 December 2016):
You should express interest in your wife's outings. I am trying to read parts where you showed interest in her work and her outings but I don't see any of that. I mostly read instances of "expecting" to be introduced. Why do you want to be introduced so badly? Perhaps for the wrong reasons, of only wanting to be known? Have you asked her why she does not invite you? Have you expressed interest in wanting to spend more time with your wife? If you forcefully introduce yourself to others like you mentioned in your last paragraph, I believe that would only look like you are trying to embarrass your wife and I don't know why you would want to do that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2016):
 It might be that those "friends" she is keeping you from is more like a gam of sharks, not REAL friends. I can imagine in an industry like the movie one, people have a wide social network with a LOT of acquaintances NOT friends. People you keep "friendly" with but you don't let them in your personal life. Introducing you to these people gives them an opening to PRY into her personal life. Which I DO think she likes to keep private.
And who knows maybe some of these "friends" are the type to chase after other women's husbands and she knows that.
I don't think she is ashamed of you, I think she tries to keep a professional life and her personal life separate as it makes her JOB easier. She might also have a "professional persona" that she doesn't want to "put on" in front of you. A lot of people do. My husband was SUPER helpful to his subordinates, he went above and beyond for HIS "guys and gals" but he was also SUPER strict and hard on them when they "failed" him or others. NOT the persona I saw at home. Sort of like a VERY professional Soldier at work and a MAN at home. My guess is your wife does the same.
The woman you met, whom you had met 6 years earlier - I don't think she was hinting at ALL about your marriage, but that you ACTUALLY remembered HER after 6 years. After all, SHE didn't remember you right away... So I think she was just flattered and impressed that YOU remembered her.
I DO think you should talk to her and let her know how it feels to be kept separate from that part of her life. SEE what she says.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 December 2016):
From what I've read, anonymous, I suspect she worries that YOU will be ashamed of HER.
The film industry is notoriously vain and shallow (not that everyone there is to the same extent), but it's an occupation in which perception and image are everything. Where WHO you know is often more important than WHAT you know.
I think she's afraid that she will seem less in your eyes when you see how hard she tries to impress others, and that you'll poke holes in the image she's worked hard to create.
Remember you did point out to one of them that she wasn't invited to a party at the posh restaurant. With just a few casual words you humiliated her in front that person. Would you like for someone to publically announce how you got the snub?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 Your wife can say what she likes but it is definitely an issue for you and one that needs addressing. Have you explained how upset this makes you? What was the response?
I can appreciate a person wanting a piece of his life separate from his partner. Actually I don't understand it but it happens.
With your spouse it seems to be on a grand scale if I have interpreted your post correctly. If she refuses to involve you then I can't see much you can do about it except to agree to live separate lives. It seems a little sad to me.
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