A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I get past being disappointed by my finance's wedding proposal? So I recently turned 30 and my boyfriend couldn't get the day off from work so we celebrated the day before he took me out for dinner and drinks and we stayed out till gone midnight so that he could officially say happy birthday! As I am currently in the process of buying a house we currently don't live together so off we went in our separate ways but I was under the instruction of opening my card from him as soon as I got in which he had already left at my parents house. So when I opened it, it wasnt a birthday card and inside was taped a jelly ring and the words marry me? This has come as a total shock wasn't expecting it and so I was left stood there in my parents front room holding a card with a jelly ring explaining to my mum and dad that it was a proposal! They both knew it was coming as he had asked their permission but again where shocked that, that was the proposal I mean he wasn't even in the same building! He never saw my reaction.I phoned him and asked him if he had something to ask me to which he replied you opened the card then? What do you think? That's it end of proposal!! Now I'm not the most needy girl on the planet but I have dreamt of the day that he asked me to marry him and of course I have said yes but I can't help sitting here on my own crying at the way it has happened he's not even here to share the moment! I don't want to shout about it as I don't even have a ring (well I have a sweetie ring ) again I've always said I don't need an expensive ring but come on at least dress ring?? Also I can't believe he spent the whole night with me and didn't ask me or even just give me the card in person! Am I right to be feeling this way?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 January 2017):
 Lots of people have birthday parties without presents; presents are thoughtful, but expecting them is materialistic.
I still think he should have done it in person, but at least you'll get to go with him to choose your ring and you can ask him to propose when putting it on you. Then nobody gets hurt and you both get what you want :)
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 January 2017):
I think you should just say you thought the proposal was really sweet, but also want to hear his voice ask you because you've dreamed about that moment. That way, you can have a long proposal story - "he proposed to me first by _____________, then proposed to me in person __ days later and we went ring shopping!" It sounds pretty lovely.
I wouldn't tell him you're disappointed because it's a big moment and he probably put a lot of thought into it. This shouldn't sour your relationship forever, which is why asking him to propose in person ("to hear your voice") while appreciating the way he proposed first ("it was so sweet of you!") is the best course of action :)
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A
female
reader, worriedgirl2012  +, writes (15 January 2017):
I feel for you. Why couldn't he have been outside with flowers or hiding, awaiting your reaction? There's been lots of good advice on this post, but I truly feel you should talk to him. You're not wrong for your feelings nor are you wrong for wanting a ring. Sorry, but this isn't materialistic of you- it's like expecting someone to have a birthday party without presents or cake. If you really love this man, you need to talk to him about it. If your intuition is warning you, maybe this just indicates red flags in the relationship... good luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2017):
 Aww, I actually LOVE CodeWarrior's advice.
You said yes, even if you felt is wasn't how you saw yourself being proposed to. So I get what Codewarrior said, he can't RECAPTURE that moment and neither can you, so make the best of it? It kind of makes sense.
Though, I would in the future be honest about how his actions make you feel. I DO get what Codewarrior means, it's kind of too late when you have already said yes - the cat is out of the bag. And telling him, honey that was not a great proposal is not going to do anything good for either of you.
But as a woman, I FULLY get why you were disappointed. To me, it seemed really immature to propose NOT in person and with a candy ring. However, it might just BE who he is? A little immature when it comes to romantic gestures?
My husband does NOT have a romantic bone in his body, but he actually got a ring and proposed in an "old fashioned" way. After 20 years he hasn't gotten more romantic. LOL But I'm not really a romantic myself so that works for us. YOU two have your own story and your own journey to follow.
Do like Codewarrior said and make this "meh" proposal into a positive event. I'd DEFINITELY suggest you go ring shopping together if the design means a lot to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017): It took my boyfriend turned fiancé turned husband 6 months to kiss me for the first time! Why? Because he loved me so much and was afraid to lose me if he moved too fast! LOL It was just his way of thinking and very cute, if you ask me although not the norm. I did not leave him, nor complain. I put myself in his place and I understood why he behaved that way. He certainly was unlike any man I ever met. And his uniqueness to be quite honest was something I treasured and admired. Who wants a cookie cutter guy who does everything like the rest of them?I think your fiancé's heart was in the right place. Cut him some slack. He did ask you to marry him. He did ask your parent's first. He might have been trying to be creative and thought it was cute what he did. You do not agree. But do not shoot him down. Once you get married, you will see that marriage is all about understanding and compromise and trying to put yourself in your partner's position. And forgiving them for doing something which we did not love but it was not done in malice or to hurt you. Do you see that? You interpreted it that way. He is not you. And you are not him. You have overshadowed the joy and beauty of the occasion with your superficiality. Sorry, but this is the truth. In your own mind, you have equated his lacklustre show of attention to his not loving you enough or to you not being worthy or important enough to him. You took it personally and you should not. He had GOOD intentions here. Ok? He has asked you to be HIS WIFE! What a huge step! He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You should be glad of that. He has COMMITTED to you.Marriage is about so much more than a proposal and a wedding. In fact, once that day is over and it is over very quickly, you will see that it's not a fairy tale and it requires constant hard work every single day. And you will find that he will mess up and SO WILL you more times than you might care to admit but in the end, if there is LOVE, then there is a way to forgive and to compromise and to have empathy and understanding for one another. If you did something he was not to keen about, you would want him to understand, wouldn't you? Try to see your point of view?There are men who might arrange some elaborate, over the top popping the question façade. Just to please the woman. They could honestly care less. It is put on. And fake. Well, you know your guy is not fake. He is just the bare bones. Real and down to earth. Genuine. Also consider many guys who are so over the top in their proposals turn out to be assholes who cheat on their wives. They are all about the show. So, a fancy proposal means nothing in the big picture and it says nothing about a person and their potential to treat you with respect and kindness nor about their long term potential as a marriage partner. Is he a GOOD guy? Have you had a solid and wonderful relationship? Is he STILL the kind of a guy you want to marry? Have children with? Does he respect you? Does he treat you right? If the answers are YES, then you should be thrilled to have found such a man. That such a man has proposed to you! So many men in this world today are PIGS and many good ones do not exist. So, try to see all the good things in him. Obviously, you love him, right? Too many girls are wrapped up in their little wedding fantasies to see what is right. Let it go. If you want to tell him that the proposal is not what you expected, go ahead. And ask him maybe to do another proposal when he has the actual ring. That is all. Simple. I am sure he will be happy to please you.But I do believe you are making too much of it.Enjoy the fact you are engaged to the love of your life!That is what counts.And I highly suggest you both take some marriage preparation courses. They will be very helpful to you. Your expectations need to be scaled down to reality.Good luck and I wish you a happy future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017): Also you didnt spend the night together.
He strung the evening out to midnight and he'd prepped his escape route.
I think chirigirl is correct about you acting like it all just happened.
You dont communicate.
He just sweet talks you and I think you are on his suckers list.
Are you aware that players ask everyone to marry them and they pull that old line out whenever they need to buy time?
They never buy rings though but they promise them!
So do scammers!
Dont blame your poor parents though.
They think you like the guy, but they may secretly hate his guts but they are too kind to ruin your moment of 'happiness'!
You are being dumb about this because you are acting like you have no alternatives.
Call the wedding off.
Put some value on yourself!
At this rate you will fork out to be a jilted bride.
Just buy him a toy car and tell him you dont want to get married but you got him a porsche.
Make sure its on the pavement or parked by the kerb when you take him outside to show him..or if you live in a neighbourhood where things get nicked park it close to the house.
See if the joke works both ways.
See if the excitement lasts.
And dont forget to say "Dont you just love it darling!"
Or just marry him onthe strength of his useless proposal and let him have everything he wants because its your life and your allowed to make anything you want to out of it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017): ok i get the non materalistic point and I see its jokey useless ephemera and i can imagine lots of jokes around this but I think your reaction is significant.It is too casual and flippant for your personality and as you say it is sadly lacking in empathy!Ifyou were on holiday and wrote 'Marry me? ' in the sand and hugged and kissed you its more romantic, even if its washed away by waves a few minutes later.But it was done in absentia!Now at the risk of being hung, drawn and quartered I must say that I feel that he is actually seeing someone else and you could be looking at a lot of absentia.Its just what I feel and I think your tears are your own intuition telling you its definately not the correct conduct for you.What is a girl to do?Return the stupid ring if you havent binned it.Just give him his **** back!You are a successful 30 yr old.He is a shoddy man!Do you have a walk all over me personality? Never marry the first sweetie ring offerer because it means nothing.In absentia means the bird has already flown.Quite honestly it is something of so little importance that you dont have to worry about it.It means nothing.But it means you can start to trust yourself more and pick who you want to marry and when.I cant believe you had trouble turning him down.Its nothing to ask your parents because thats just manipulative to put a little expectation in their eyes.I' ll bet he asks you for money next.Please never stand in front of a judge..especially Judge Judy and tell her that you considered a jelly ring in absentia offer a serious proposal because she will seriously tell you off and she will not award you any return of cash if you lend him money because she will say 'You knew he couldnt even afford a ring or be bothered to do it properly so what makes you think he could or would realistically pay you back your loan of xxxxx or even pay his fair share of house bills!?And you will get nothing but embarressment as she yells at you "Grow Up! Do you honestly expect me to believe a woman of your intelligence could fall for that! No, dont look down...Look at me!"
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 January 2017):
 Then you need to tell him this. This, that you wrote last in your follow-up, it sums it up nicely. I think he will understand, but you need to be brave enough to talk to him about it. Perhaps this is the very reason he didn't propose in person, because you and him have a hard time communicating deep feelings to each other in person? If you and him had an easy time communicating and had trust in each other, I imagine it would not have been so difficult for you simply tell him this, rather than feel like you need to put on a smile and pretend everything is ok.
Talk to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017): Original poster
So whilst I'm grateful for your replies I feel some of you missed the point that I'm not that materialistic to need a big expensive ring or display of public affection the disappointment is coming from the lack of sharing the moment almost that I missed out on seeing his reaction to my response and vice versa him missing my reaction to the question. And the ring is
More of a symbolic thing I don't need or want a really expensive ring even if he could afford it, but the tradition of an engagement ring goesback years and to me it is a symbol of love and commitment
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017): The problem is, you only get one chance to propose.
Sure he can try to "redo" it, but, it will never be a true proposal because he has already asked you to marry him so you cannot "unthink" that moment. And you will know a redo is coming if that's what you ask for. Personally I think a redo would just make me even more angry but that's for you to decide.
I guess you need to ask him why he proposed that way and tell him you were incredibly disappointed. I guess he thought it would be a complete surprise because he wasn't there...he was going for a unique surprise, but to you and to me and to most people it is not a nice way at all because he wasn't there, genuine or face-to-face declaring his love.
But-- it is just a moment. It doesn't mean your wedding or the rest of your life is ruined. If he is declaring his love at other times and other ways, I think you're going to have to find a way to let it go. Or if you can't let it go, leave him.
On the ring- a lot of men do it the old fashioned way and take the girl to the jewellers to pick from a selection of rings set out in their price range. I personally like that method, so the ring doesn't have to be involved in a proposal as long as it is coming. I'm assuming the gummy ring was just a cutesy placeholder.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017): When you're in a calm mood, mention "hey, I love you and want to be with you, and was wondering how did you come up with the idea? It's so unique." Allow him to answer. Ask him what else he had been thinking of, get his back story. Ask him if a girl proposed to him, how he would have liked her to do it. Listen to him. Then, describe to him some examples in which you'd like to be proposed to. Offer him that you both propose to each other in these ways.
The thing is, a proposal is a vulnerable and scary thing to do. Sometimes women expect a lot to be proposed to, and sometimes men are scared they'll disappoint. Maybe he loves you so much he was scared of your reaction. so show that you can also take the reigns of proposing to him, and being vulnerable, and he can return the favor.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 January 2017):
 Yikes. I feel for you here. And while I agree that the main issue is the marriage, this way of his proposing does reveal a possibly disturbing trait of his.
If there is *anything* that's the most important thing to do in person, it's the marriage proposal. I don't believe a real ring has to be present in this proposal, as the idea of an engagement ring is a commercial construct by De Beers used for upping their sales, and the shiny rocks have dazzled women ever since. I don't care about that.
However, one of the most important decisions that a girl has before her is whether or not to marry. This deserves the respect of a face to face proposal. I'm not talking about the romance of the situation. I'm talking about the gravity of the situation. Proposing a marriage isn't merely what the guy offers a woman. He is also ASKING for her life in return. People forget that. A woman is pledging her betrothal to him, about to enter into a financial, physical, and emotional contract with him.
In my frank opinion, if he can't handle the emotional gravity of a face to face proposition, to look the woman he loves in the eyes to ask her to give her life to him, he is in no way ready to be married. This is not a "Are you hung up on the proposal, or are you wanting a marriage"? situation. I respect my fellow aunts' advice very much, but I would be alarmed if a guy were to propose to me in this fashion because of what it says about his capacity for true and brave emotional intimacy.
You have the right to call him back and "take back" the assent you gave him. You need to be honest with him as well. Tell him that he's not ready for marriage unless he can propose properly. You're flattered that he considers you a candidate for his marriage, but he has not properly proposed, so there's no proper "yes" from you until that happens.
The only exception to that rule for me would be if the entire relationship was something quirky, and that his gesture was in character and symbolic, and that you both had some sort of inside communication style that would make this more meaningful than it appears on the surface.
However, your response and your question on here makes it painfully clear that this is not the case.
I would share your disappointment with him, and you have the right to question whether or not this is the way he handles difficult situations in his life. Will he flake out if you become pregnant or get sick? Will he do things behind your back because he doesn't want to deal with face-to-face decisions with you? Will he make large financial decisions that affect both of you without your knowledge because he doesn't want to FACE you??
These are not romantic questions.
These are marital questions.
I'd say this would warrant a very long talk as a start about what life's going to be like. Then if he really gets why this was a bad idea, I'd say "yes" to a do-over, and give him the chance to propose the right way, face to face.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017): Chigirl - who made you the judge of how others should use a public forum or seek support?
OP - it sucks but at least you got your proposal! Just focus more on the good things and you'll have a better time.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 January 2017):
 I'm going to try again. Just in case the OP is still reading, and I hope she is because this is all good advice. But please don't use the words "first Grader" when talking to him about his proposal. Trust me that is not going to go over well.
OK a Story to put this into perspective. About 60 - 70 years ago My Grandfather proposed to my Grandmother. She was working at a local fast food place. He arranged to pick her up after work. As he started his pitch ( I don't know if he was down on a knee yet, but imagine that he was) She told him to Stop and drive her home. She knew he was going to propose and all of her dreams were of a proposal when she was wearing her Pink Dress. She couldn't possibly be proposed to in her Work Uniform. So She went home changed into the Dress And Grandpa proceeded with the proposal.
The good news is the Marriage held for as long as the lived. They loved each other for decades. They died with in weeks of each other. Very Romantic story.
My Question to the Original Poster is, will it really be better if you wear the Pink Dress?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017): First of all, the most important facts - he loves you, he wants to marry you, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
He obviously thought that his proposal was quirky and different, and it seems that he was trying to impress you. So don't be too hard on him.
The jelly ring is a very good idea - imagine how you would have felt if he had presented you with a real engagement ring and it was hideous and you had to wear it for the rest of your life (it does happen). With the fun jelly ring, the two of you can now go engagement ring shopping - how exciting!
So, my advice is to accept his proposal.
Then, when you have bought the actual engagement ring, ask him to keep hold of it and use it to propose to you in person. Although you know this proposal is coming, and although you will have already said yes, the actual timing will be a surprise and you know that the ring in the box is the one you have chosen together. This way you get your proposal in person and get the ring you choose.
Then live happily ever after.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 January 2017):
I wish people would stop asking permission to feel a feeling, or ask if they are "right" to feel a certain way. Listen, you feel the way you do, it's irrelevant whether other people agree with the way you feel! It's YOUR feeling, you are adult, so take responsibility for the way you feel yourself, rather than try to push this on other people, or worse, strangers online, as if us agreeing with you would someone mean it's okay for you to feel the way you feel.
Own up to your own feelings, please. That's step one. Decide on what you feel, on your own. Do you feel disappointed? Okay, then we can talk about that, but we can not sit here and tell you what to feel or whether it's okay for you to feel this or that way.
Now I will pretend you didn't ask permission to feel how you feel, and rather that you just stated how you feel and recognize that this is in fact how you feel. You feel disappointed in the proposal. Yet you ACCEPTED it. Why? It can not have been that disappointing then, if you accept it, that means you thought it was good enough.
People do not sign a contract if they think it's formulated poorly. If yuo were disappointed by the proposal, and wanted it differently, you should not have accepted it.
You accepted it, so now it's done, you will not get a new one. That's YOUR DECISION. And you need to take responsibility for it. Did you tell him about how you wished to be proposed to? Did you tell your parents? Leave him OBVIOUS hints, such as writing it down for him and leaving the note on his pillow? No? Then how was he supposed to know, he can not read your mind. He wanted to try and be original and cute. He gave it his best shot at proposing. And you accepted, so now he thinks he did good and that this is the type of romance you like. How is he supposed to know otherwise when you don't tell him?
Take responsibility for this, you didn't inform him well enough and that is your own fault.
So, what to do now? Well in order to get a real ring, you need to COMMUNICATE to him that you are happy to marry him and be engaged, but that you would like a ring. And actual ring you can wear and show to friends and family. Don't be afraid to admit this. But be realistic about the price of rings and what he would be able to afford. Go ring-shopping with him to show him what you like. Choose three rings that you love, let him make the decision on which ring when he's by himself so that it will be a surprise which ring you get. This is totally normal way to do it. It's what I did when I got engaged (way back in my young days when I ot engaged, lol). I went to the store with him and we chose the ring together, something we both liked, and I didn't know when or where he would propose "officially". Although he had already proposed spontaneously without a ring months in advance.
If having a cute story to tell is important, then you do have a cute story here. It's just not the story you imagined, but it is original and cute and your man gave it his best efforts and I am sure your friends and family will find it adorable. If you don't wish to tell them this story, then twisting the truth a bit will not harm anyone. But all this "how did he propose"-story telling is really so American, do the British even ask such a thing? Norwegians never ask about this, it's just not an interesting question, as most proposals aren't original or spectacular or interesting at all. If someone asks and you don't want to tell the full truth, just say he proposed to you on your birthday. No more details needed. If they keep asking you can say it's personal/private between you and him. It's really none of their business, actually.
PS. I think your boyfriend was nervous as hell and about to shit his pants, which is why he couldn't muster up the courage to ask you in person. If you think about it, it means he really, really wants to marry you. If he didn't care either way, he wouldn't have been so nervous.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (10 January 2017):
 I am with "Fatherly Advice" who had hit the nail on the head. I think it was lovely to be honest and perhaps he was too nervous.
My husband on our 3rd date stood me out side this hotel and said "This is where we are getting married"
Me, "Get married again I would rather stick pins in my eyes"
How about that for romance.
It does not matter how he has asked you its the fact he has. As daft as it seems he probably put a lot of thought into buying that card and jelly ring.
He has done one traditional thing he has asked your parents permission, which these days is wonderful.
Give him time I'm sure you will get your ring and when he gives it to you it will be lovely.
Congratulations by the way ( Providing he said yes) x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017): I dont think it counts as a proposal in the format it arrived, so I dont think it deserves an answer.
You could always tell him 'Its a definate, big, phat No! I dont want to spend my life in a gingerbread house thankyou!'
If he cant see your point of view then he is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
And think no more of it until he gets you a proper sparkling diamond because an engagement ring is a form of contract in the eyes of the law!
And a jelly ring in no way is a establishment of a contract.
And he will never be able to sue you ina court of law for return of the ring if you decide not to complete the contract with marriage.
So return the jelly ring.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2017):
I think you should tell him that you were disappointed that he proposed like a 1st grader on the playground.
My guess is he thought he was making a unique proposal and if he did it this way you couldn't tell him no or I don't know, at least not right away. So there was no chance of immediate rejection.
A proposal should be done in person. In my opinion, it's the only way to do it. I'm not a fan of the "scoreboard" or in large crowds proposals because it put so much pressure on the woman to say yes.
I'd tell him that when he proposes properly (as in, IN person with a ring) you will definitely say yes. (if that is how you feel)
It's shouldn't be about how expensive a proposal is or a ring or the wedding or dress.... but it should be done with some decorum and class.
Quite frankly? I'd be disappointed if my husband had chosen that way to propose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017): I think some of you have misunderstood my standing on this, I'm totally not bothered that it wasn't a big display of affection more disappointed that he wasn't there to share the moment
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017): His behavior is extremely immature. I'm inclined to believe that he was too nervous for an intimate proposal. If he can't manage to pull himself together for what should have been an intimate and exciting moment, then I'd be concerned about any future obstacles that cause him anxiety, worry or doubt. This is equivalent to a grade schooler running up an kissing his crush on the cheek and running away, waiting to see how she reacts. I don't doubt the authenticity of his proposal, nor concern myself with the "ring" in which he used - but the running and hiding part?? Yikes!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2017):
 Your first line says it all "he proposed a wedding"
no he proposed marriage which is very different.
A wedding is a party and a celebration. A marriage is day to day down in the dirt stuff.
Marriage has become more and more about what the bride wants and needs and less and less about the fact that two people are now planning a life together.
IF you can't tell him how unhappy you are with his proposal of marriage (not a wedding) then maybe you should not have said yes to him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 January 2017):
Here is my biased, but experienced opinion on this.
Number 1 - He had no way of knowing what was in your dreams and hopes. This was his way of expressing himself. Do you not like the Him that IS him?
Number 2 - Many young starry eyed romantic women get all wrapped up in the proposal, the ring , and the wedding. And Forget that the main event is the Marriage, The living together happily for decades, Not the trappings that get it started. What is really more important to you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017): Maybe he's going to do a proper proposal when he has the actual ring. Perhaps this was a taster to be sure you'd say yes first?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 January 2017):
I don't think being asked has to be extravagant, but in person or face-to-face on Skype is a must (unless culture denies it).
Tell him you appreciate that it was cute and funny, but you'd like him to propose again in person.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (10 January 2017):
 He may have thought it was an original and amusing way to ask you. It backfired. Why don't you tell him you were underwhelmed by his attempt. Then give him another chance to ask you in a way that will impress.
Tell him the engagement is 'on hold' until he comes up with something better. Sit back and wait for something a bit more extravagant. If he thinks you are worth it he will make the effort.
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