A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 21 year old female that's been in an on/off relationship with my high school sweetheart for 6 years. He loves me and he is gentle soul that had all the best intentions and I too love him. I have many issues however, with the type of Man he is. Since early on our relationship my partner has demonstrated traits of excessive alcohol use or slightly dependence on alcohol. I brushed this off as being a teen and living a care-free life but I've watched it snowball into him entering college and becoming notorious for his alcohol consumption. He's once been graciously dubbed as " The tank". He's also using weed , a drug considered very mild and not too bad in college, however he indulges in it atleast once a day but has experimented with 1 or 2 other drugs (he hasn't user them again) . It's affected every aspect of his life : his grades have slipped dangerously low, his weekends are filled with parties and his health has been compromised. We're haven't really officially dated for 4 years and have rather been " together" because I've been to scared to accept and become a part of his chaotic life. Naturally , I've adopted the task of trying to change him throughout the years , lecturing him numerous times about how he needs to calm down and how he's not meeting the standard of Man I need in my life because of his lifestyle, I even drew up a written contract to try help him curb his nicotine addiction. This year's I gave him the ultimatum of shaping-in or shipping out, I requested he attempt to show me some visible lifestyle changes ( as I have done so in the past except without a deadline). It's the end of the year and I find myself underwhelmed by the progress he has made and emotionally exhausted. I've always seen myself with a guy that I could grow and build with and I have this instinctual feeling that if I remain with my partner I'll be motivating him and begging him to change for the rest of my life, except there will be kids and many of life's complications. I've had to think about our current situation in a futuristic manner as he has often expressed that he would like to settle down with me and being that we're high school sweethearts , this could very well happen. Thus I am at a crossroads where I feel like I need to end our relationship for good or believe he will follow through with his intentions and stick by him and help him become the man he has the potential to be and in the process the standard of Man that I desire and deserve. I want to help him but I've hit the revelation that I any further work that needs to be done , needs to be done by him. He has promised to try again and has asked for more time next year. Do I stay and invests more or do I explore who I am and avail myself to other potential love opportunities with men who potentially demonstrate what I need , like any other 21 year old? Am I being too picky? Is this simply a phase of life ? Am I abandoning him by not sticking by him and helping him ? Am I just a boring 21 year old ? Regards Lost
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 October 2015):
 Sorry - cat on keyboard.. his enter lol
This is who HE is right now. This partying, boozing and pot smoking guy. You might WANT him to change - but he doesn't (if he did he would already be working on it, right?)
I would NOT give him an ultimatum, I would just tell him it's over. Now if he tell you he WILL change, well then you can decide to give him 3-6-9 months to do so, and If he has actually changed maybe you can start dating again. But as long as parties, pot and alcohol is MORE important than you in his life, I'd let him go.
Like Auntie SVC would say - YOU are dating him for his potential - they guy you think he can be, but that is NOT who he is.
And the whole on/off thing? not really something you can build a future on, is it?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2015):
You are right. You are trying to do ALL the work to make the realtionship a success, but.. for it to becomes a success HE now has to put in some work too.
YOU can not change this guy. THIS is who
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 October 2015):
 "Am I being too picky? Is this simply a phase of life ? Am I abandoning him by not sticking by him and helping him ? Am I just a boring 21 year old ? "
1. No, you're not being "too picky."
2. IF it's "a phase," it sure looks like there's no end to it....
3. Sometimes, it's OK to step away from people who won't "help themselves." This is one of those times...
4. There's nothing in this submittal that indicates that you're boring. Only that you're a concerned G/F who dates a guy who is flagrantly irresponsible.
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2015): Changing habits can be a very difficult thing to do- particularly when it's become an addiction and his lifestyle. I used to go out with a stoner and you know what? It's guna take more than love for you or your persuasion to make him stop.. I had a few friends who told me, when it comes to the drugs/ alcohol and me, it'll be the drugs... I know dont why it's just their temperament I guess, and I think it would be a life-time struggle for you if you tried to settle down with this guy. Dont feel guilty cos you DO deserve better... you don't deserve struggling along missing out on life until you're mid twenties waiting for him... it's not worth it and it's not guna pay off. Sure stay friendly if you want, but try and avoid him and focus your attentions elsewhere, and on other people...
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (10 October 2015):
 Hon,
"I've adopted the task of trying to change him throughout the years" this is a waste of time and energy. He would change IF HE WANTED TO.
You have direction unfortunately your bf lacks direction, and if you stay with someone like that they will eventually pull you down to their level.
Substance abuse is a huge issue, and once on weed and alcohol, when the effect is lessened by repeated use, he is going to move onto stronger drugs.
Do you see yourself being with someone who's first love is the bottle of booze in his hand and the handful of pills in the other?
You are young, there is a huge world out there which you need to explore. Don't sell yourself short, because you deserve better.
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