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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi I hope someone can help me.My boyfriend and I are getting quite serious and will be moving in together and have talked about marriage and children. He has a 10 month old child with a previous girlfriend.The problem is the child is in state care because the mother cannot look after him. My boyfriend wants custody but as his ex has 3 different children who are all in state care, to 3 different fathers and she has slept around on my boyfriend, I want him to have a DNA test to confirm paternity. He has agreed. I have told him I am prepared to raise his son with him if he is the father, but if paternity can't be concluded, I am not prepared to raise the child. Even though my boyfriend says he fully understands my point of view and agrees with me, I feel my ultimatum to him will affect our relationship down the track and make him resentful towards me. DNA tests are $800 in australia, that is about $590 usd so he cannot afford one privately. The only way he can get it is if the government agency that has his son agrees to pay, and it's not automatically given. So in the long run, we still may not know for sure who the father is. Can you please tell me if you think I am unreasonable?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello
Thank you to all the people who helped.
Your advice was good and helped me see both sides of the coin.
Regards, Amanda
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): Get that paternity test done...pronto. Absorb the cost. Nowadays, these tests are pretty darn accurate. This will be the deciding factor in what direction your life will head. I respect you for being willing to do consider becoming a Mom to this poor little child and I commend your boyfriend for being responsible enough to raise his own child, if the paternity test says he is the father. That is the the right thing to do. There are just way too many 'deadbeat' mom and dad's out there and the innocent children pay the price. But if the paternity tests come back saying your bf is not the natural father, then the state authorities should ensure all efforts are immediately made, to locate the real Father and this child's family. The kid deserves at least the opportunity to have his real, biological family raise him. Hope it works out for the child and yourselves. Good luck
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (8 March 2006):
 whew...that is a hard one. I can see your point...children are a burden. Personally...I would not care. (but I have a step-son who is not actually my husbands son...his ex was having an affair. We have paid child support on him for all these years...because they were married when she conceived and he is therefore legally responsible...Texas is outback USA and some of the laws sound Victorian) I would love him just the same if he were my husbands or my own...but that may not be right for you.
Your boyfriend cares about this child. You in effect Sentencing him/her to a life of state care will become an issue if anything unfortunate ever happens to him/her there. The child is always worth 10 of the mother and if you feel you have anything to offer at all I would not tell someone I love he can't be with a child that HE thinks of as his...DNA or not.
Still, perhaps you don't want or like children and Know up front that you will be terrible to this one. In that case you can't help that you accept this in yourself and you are really doing the child a service by not taking on something that you cannot put your heart into.
I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting to know before making this commitment. But, I do think you are unreasonable to put forth an ultimatum then be unwilling to back it up by paying for it's resolution. You are saying that IF the child is his, you will become in effect it's mother...but it is not worth putting your money out there to deal with your own issues. (He is willing to take the test...but really wants custody even without knowing...you must know first...but only if someone else pays for it) This leaves him in limbo...and you with an out.
I am not trying to be hard here, but if it were me and it was something that affects My life and the deciding factor to such a great decision...I would scrounge to pay for the knowledge to make a good decision that I would be happy living with. 800$ is a small price to pay in the long run. You will spend more than that on baby stuff to bring a 10 month old home...diapers, car seat, crib, cloths etc.
If you resent the 800 then your really not going to be happy about how expensive children are. Maybe you should look for someone who has more cash and less paternal instinct.
This is why I say that...one possible scenario.
You refuse to raise the baby because there is no paternity test done.
10 years down the road...this kid has been though hell and back and had to survive things you can't imagine. A new law is passed mandating the tests which have gone way down in price. You are informed that your (now husband) is the actual father of this girl/boy. (the guilt alone may ruin your future) He will remember that He wanted the helpless kid and YOU would NOT let him...because you got it in your mind that the child Might not be his.
So he starts trying for a relationship with his lost son/daughter...who hates Dad for dumping them in state care and makes sure DAD knows what a horrible life was perpetrated on them... thanks to your doubts.
Do you want to explain to the kid that he/she was not worth the price of a paternity test? Do you want to tell him/her you could not afford to love him/her because you what...needed a new couch?
How important is this man to you? If you love him you must also accept his baggage...if you really honestly want to know...pay for the test yourself and ease your own mind. If you really Don't want the issues that come with this relationship...get out before you trap yourself into something you really are not wanting in the first place.
Just my perspective...hope it helps you find your way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): No, you are not being unreasonable..quite the contrary! I think you are being a warm, gracious, very giving woman to tell him you are willing to step in and help him raise his child, in the first place. While my heart goes out to this child, raising a child is a huge responsibility, not to mention, the financial and emotional committments, for years to come. It's critical to get that paternity test done, irregardless of the cost, simply for peace of mind and getting to the truth of this matter. If it turns out, your bf is not the father, then this child has paternal biological family (Dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) out there. These people must be given the opportunity to come forward and take on that responsibility. But what a heartwrenching time for you both. My heart goes out to you both and this sweet child. But please, don't be hard on yourself. You are not wrong in making this decision...it's a tremendous, life altering decision. So get that paternity test done. Take care and my best wishes to all of you.
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