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female
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*reamer2606
writes: Should I trust him? I've been married to my husband for two years, been together for five. Three months before our wedding I found out he cheated on me three times with a girl he met while working at the bar. I have tried to forgive him but he has been known to lie. He is always meeting people and latley he has been talking to a girl he met at work. He calls when I'm not with him and he never mentioned her. I went looking through his phonebook on his cell and found a text he sent asking how she was doing. He says I can meet her which makes me feel a little better but I'm still worriedThere have also been other girls but he always says they're just friends and he likes talking to them. He feels that I'm just overreacting becasue of the cheating and that it's been 2 yrs now so I should just get over it. We only have sex about 1 every month or two and he says it's because of his diabetes. I feel like I can't trust my husband and need some advice
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reader, Yos  +, writes (20 June 2006):
 I'm sorry to say this, but it sound like you are being taken advantage of. I could be wrong.
Here's the thing. The man cheated on you. You forgave him. Having done that he should be very apologetic, and especially he should be very careful to act in a way that lets you trust him again. HE has to earn your trust, HE has to show you that he is sorry for what he did and that he understands how much it hurt you.
This means that he should be very careful about other women and how he treats them. Seeing them 'because he likes talking to them' is NOT being careful at all. It's him telling you that he doesn't really care about your feelings and is just going to continue doing what he wants, whether it hurts you or not.
One other thing: diabetes is not a reason not to have sex. I am very familiar with the effects of diabetes (my father has it) and you can have just as much sex as anyone else with it. He's using it as an excuse.
I think you need to do several things:
- You need to be very clear with your husband that you don't trust him. He needs to know that he needs to behave in a VERY trustworthy way towards you so you can learn to trust him again over time. This means not talking to these 'other girls' who 'he likes talking to', except when he absolutely has to. This means telling you where he is going, who he is with, and what he is doing. You need to be clear that this is not negotiable, that you will not let him walk over your feelings. You are his wife, he has married you, and he needs to compromise where necessary to make you feel happy and loved. It's what he signed up for.
- You need to start to repair your relationship and your sex life. If your husband does respond to your request to be more focussed on you, then you should find that makes a good start. You need to work towards having open conversations about what is not working for the both of you, so you can fix it. Talk about sex, talk about where your lives are headed, what you like about each other, and what you don't like.
- Lastly, you need to be prepared to leave him if you have to. Of course you don't want to have to do this, but he's not going to take you seriously unless he can tell you are really serious. Sometimes it takes the threat of losing something to shake a cheating man into realizing that his cheating is only going to lead him to ruin in the end.
Good luck, I hope you work it out with your husband
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