A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI am in a relationship with a guy for the last two years and we live together for the last 6 months, my partner had a partner who died 9 years ago and they were together for 18 years and were very happyMy partner is very close with his partner's family and he considers them as his familyLast weekend we had his ex-partner's sister with her husbund and kids staying over which was difficult for me as the name of his partner who died was mentioned all the time and there was a little bit of tension.Yesterday was his death anniversary and my partner was crying for 2 days which was difficult for me as wellIs that normal???It has been 9 years since he died and now he has me, should he suppose to be happy and enjoy our life together??What should I do about it?How should I react?I also told him that its difficult for me to spend time with his partner's family but he said that I will get used it,the problem is that I don't want to get used it as it because it's not my partner's family but he ex's family which for me is awkwardAny advices would be very welcomeAlso I am very in love with my partner
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 August 2011):
 when you say he was crying for 2 days , is this sort of behaviour the norm for him or was it you think because the late partners family had been visiting and dredged up some sad memories? that compounded with the death anniversary.
this does not mean he is not happy with you and that he does not love you but he IS entitled to be sad about the death of someone he loved and the still loves the memory of them - but that is ok. feelings do not switch off just because someone has passed away.
we never really 'get over' a death of a loved one, but what we do over time is learn to live with and accept the fact. 9 years is well long enough i would think that someone should be at the stage where they are accepting of the death.
how do you find your partners day to day behaviour? does he talk about his late partner every day? has he kept a LOT of mementos (clothes, personal belongings of the person) has he kept the house the same? like he wants to feel tied to the past. does he seem depressed? tearful? lacking interest in things? disinterested in you and the relationship? any sexual problems? are you his first relationship since the death of the other partner? - if you are maybe this could be dredging up feelings in him as he is opening up to being with someone. if you are not the first relationship maybe you should talk to him about the reasons for why his others failed - see what has been happening in his life for the last nine years. if he has been heavily grieving for all these years then then he really needs help.
you really have some talking to do with him
x
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Tears over the ex at this point does not sound like he is still grieving his loss...it sounds like he is honoring his memory. He loved him.
His death did not make him stop loving him.
Loving him, and reflecting on him with family and friends is not a slight on you..it is actually a loving gesture and shows the nature of who he is. That is how he would act if it were YOU that passed. That is the kind of heart he has.
Loving the memory of another, does not mean you are less loved or that he is any less happy.
His deceased partners family was probably extended family for him. Death did not change that either.
If anything, smile that your partner has such a loving heart, that the memory of a cherished person still endures.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): Hi. While this is a difficult situation I think it is totally okay. I don't know if what your partner is experiencing is 'normal' , it just 'is.'
I'm a great believer that we cannot change others, only ourselves, and that can be hard enough! So concentrate on changing your outlook on this and the way you see things, you know, your perspective.
I understand what you are going through is painful, but really what you are experiencing is jealousy, and that is for you to deal with, get over, as you say - you love him, then you will.
Death is a extremely difficult thing to go through, it's usually coupled with other nasties like guilt, regret, remourse. I had a partner years ago, we split. We both used to use drugs togther. i got clean, he didnt, and he overdosed on heroin. The last time I saw him we hugged and he told me i looked great, he didnt, he was off to score.
I'm very much in love with my bf now, he is pretty much everything I want in a man, but I still think of my ex and sometimes shed a tear. It's not the same strength of emotion that your partner shows, but i am trying to make a point, that losing someone is a complex experience and how you experience it cant be boxed off into a series of 'normal' or 'abnormal' emotions.
Really, in this case, i think there is no room for jealosuy and he obviously loves you. I also think that you should not suggest that you do not spend time with the ex's parents. If he sees them as his family, then that is that, and again, if you love this man then you will need to learn to deal with it. I think you need to be more tollerant of this situation.
Hope it all works out fine for you. You've had some great, well thought out advice, take it onboard.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Everyone has made great points, so I won't reiterate them so as to become redundant.
But I'll point out something else that might give you different perspective on his spending time with his ex's family and being part of them.
He's not the only one getting something out of this continuing relationship. They lost a son, a cousin, and a brother. To have your partner continue in their lives is like having their loved one live on, in a sense. If your boyfriend heeded you and broke away from them, it would be like reliving the death all over again.
And that's just it. They didn't break up, divorce, or leave each other. His ex passed away. If it were me and I was in love with a guy, I'd be in love with his love and honor towards the one who passed away. I would love his ex's family as if it were his own family and likewise honor their fallen son.
When you deal with someone who's lost a partner or spouse, this is one of the few times where a partner keeping a deceased love in his heart is absolutely acceptable. I would not mind sharing his heart with the deceased, as long as he doesn't openly compare me to them or try and mold me into the image of his deceased love.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (16 August 2011):
i would just try be there for him as he sounds like he really needs you maybe you could suggest ti him that he talks to someone about this grief affects people in all diffrent ways some can get over it in a few months others it can take years like your partner
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Annalisa makes very good points. The thing is that he obviously loved his ex and you cant change that, nor really should you seek too if you love him, because it doesnt mean he doesnt love you at all. I think you have to start accepting this to be honest. As has been said some people never get over a partner they have lost this way. It's not as if his ex is still alive and dumped him, he has had no way to achieve closure because they were separated not by conscious will on either part but by the intervention of fate.
Considering the facts of the matter as well, while I understand you feeling threatened, you should not feel that way, it's not as if his ex is going to reappear and take him from you. If his ex was still alive then i'd definitely be on your side but in this instance most of my sympathies go to your partner. The one area I do have sympathy with you is on the exs family which I can see being awkward for all concerned. Here perhaps your partner should give some ground and allow you to opt-out of these things more if you so wish. Equally though you should let him carry on having this relationship with them; they have a bond and doubtless help each other through the process of grief. I understand thats something you may feel a little excluded from and awkward about but still I do think its something you will have to come to terms with.
All in all, if you really love your partner this is something your going to have to come to terms with and learn to deal with because demanding he stop feeling this way is unreasonable. He should not be condemned for being a loving and loyal person who has suffered tragedy, nor should he be forced to relinquish those feelings in this instance and, finally, he should not be condemned to a single life either, its incumbent on his future partners to accept this part of him. You just have to remember he does love you, I am sure, but his ex was taken from him in tragic circumstances, and this will be a part of him for the rest of his life, if you love him then you have to learn to live with that and accept him as he is in this. After-all, put yourself in his shoes, if you lost him, youd still grieve I am sure, but you would meet somebody else again, and would you not accept them to be understanding and accepting? Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 August 2011):
 As the child of a deceased woman I can feel your pain... My father loved my mother with a passion that will never be replaced. She died in his arms and he still mourns her loss every year at her death and the anniversary of her birth (as is our religious way) She's deceased nearly 16 years.
He has been with his current partner 15 years now and while he mourns my mother that does not detract from his relationship with her. In fact, it shows that he is able to love deeply... they travel, they live together, they love together and have a life together.... when they come to visit in town here it's to see friends he had with my mom, to visit HER children and grandchildren, to visit HER grave.... and yet day to day he is with the current love of his life....
If my father's current partner suffered every time memories of my mother came up she'd be in big trouble... if she did not want to get used to reminders of my mom and demanded that my father choose... she'd be gone... trust me... 18 years is a long time to be with someone and just because they are gone does not mean that their family which became your family is dead.
my ex husband and i get along nicely but it's his MOM that I mourn losing... she has become a mother to me... my current boyfriend understands and accepts that I have a relationship with my ex husband and his family... he accepts that I have children with another man (also not deceased)....
Once we get past 21 or so we have pasts that have helped shape who we are now... these people that you wish to exclude from your partner's life to make yourself more comfortable are the people that have for probably half his life or more shaped who he is... they have helped form the man you currently love and want to be with... asking him to give up his past is a dangerous demand...
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