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female
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anonymous
writes: Me and my guy have been togther for 6 yrs. he works offshore and makes good money. I see him 2 weeks out of a month. His mom takes care of all his bill and mank account. We are engaged to get married. I hav no say so on his money and Im not allowed the password to his account. He tells me I dont need to worry about it. He is always doing stuff with his parents. He is with them more than me. He stays with me at night we have sex and sometimes do stuff other than that. Since he has been home we have gone to the movie and ate. which was about 40 dollars all togther. I dont ask him to buy me anything. He told me he would pay my car insurance and now he doesnt do that. Ever since when he was offshore and his mom had to give it to me because he told her. His parents are up in butt 24 7 and we cant do anything. He is so much sweeter to his mom than me. His parents are driving me crazy. They are rude to me and he says they are just different. They dont mean anything by it, byt they are suppose to be christians. What do I do???? Should i stay with him or not? What does being engaged suppose to mean. If I have no say so. HELP PLEASE
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): I think you two have a lot to talk about.
Firstly, if you don't get on with his folks now, how will it be when you are married. Yes it is about compromise but we don't have to put up with sh*t either. If you are nice to them then they should be nice in return, no matter what they feel, yes it is a bit too faced, but this is family life!
Secondly, find out if you are going to know money details when you get married. You two will be a couple, not just a friend or acquaintance, you should know money stuff on both sides. I have a separate account from my bloke but all bank statements are on show! We have nothing to hide but we do have financial independence.
Thirdly, do you really want to get married? Take a step back, do you love this bloke enough to be his wife. Yes his parents are doing stuff for him now, but it has to be made plain that once you are married they do nothing in that department. You will be his wife. They need to back off.
And of course if you don't like the heat then get out of the kitchen, it is your life.
Take care xx
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (21 November 2006):
 He sounds like a bit of a 'mothers boy' but at least you know what you are getting in advance. In all fairness, my husband doesn't have access to all my financial accounts and when we did have a shared credit card it caused a lot of arguments between us over 'who spent what'. It was petty and easily resolved by me terminating the account. Sometimes it is easier if you keep your money separate from his and perhaps it is not a wise idea to accept too much financial aid from him - if his parents don't like you then it can be just one more excuse to criticise you to him. You cannot really stop him having a close relationship with his parents but I rather suspect you will need to set some boundaries prior to your marriage about your expectations and his. If he is willing to accept your need for privacy as a couple and limited time with his family then maybe it can work out. For example, there are some of the in-laws that I cannot stand to be in the same room as, but my husband understands that and I limit the time I spend in their company and I try to polite when I see them. Long term relationships surely have to be about compromise?
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A
female
reader, big.d +, writes (21 November 2006):
This might sound shocking, but take your mind of knowing his account details because if he wanted you to know he would of given it to you.It seems your thinking about his money to much. What relationship he has with his mum is up to him and if you go on like this his family will think the worst of you because you keep complaing about things that would make your partner think diffrent of you. Just sit cool and alot of things will fall into place and enjoy the time u spend together because he is away alot,he needs to have your full attention ,not you always going on about his mom, money or minor stuff. Word of advice everyones pearents are different and he and his pearents have this agreement so deal with it. And the answer to your question " what does being engaged etc.... it means trusting his judgements. relax
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