A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and we have started living together. Everything is fine when we spend all day together, but even if we're apart for like 30 minutes he'll suspect me cheating on him. I have never cheated on him and I have never given him any suspicion to think it, it's the cause of all our arguments and I'm sick of trying to justify myself for telling the truth. He smokes a lot of weed but won't have it that he's paranoid and says paranoia is just being more aware. It's splitting us up slowly but surely and I don't know what to do? HELP
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female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (20 January 2009):
 Hi, He has a problem, I don't have specific information about smoking weed, but I have heard that it makes you paranoid. Now here's the thing, if someone wants to do something, someone else telling them it is wrong or is the cause of their problem, will probably make them want to do it more, just to exert their freedom to be an idiot (sorry),
so basically I don't think that will work. Here's what I would do, when he accuses you of something, listen to what he has to say and don't defend yourself, just sit there and let him talk. Pay attention, but do not answer him, this will take discipline, because you care for him and you want him to trust you. Say nothing the first time he accuses you of something, The second time, look him straight in the eye and say something like, I have told you for the last time,....... what ever he accused you of, ...if you continue to accuse me of stuff that I have not done to you and will not do, because I am true to you, I am going to think about playing the game because you have already given me the name, what do I have to lose, you don't trust me, so keep talking. Don't say anything after that, because he then, if I am not mistaken, will want to question you about what you mean, say nothing else on the subject. Then if he starts up again, accusing you, ask him to remember the last conversation you had on the subject, tell him if he does it once more, you will find another friend and mean it. Tell him if he can't trust you then there is no relationship, and that, this is me to you now, is the truth. If on either side, with either a man or woman in a relationship, if there is no trust, there is no relationship, it is worthless, what are you going to do, search pockets and pocketbooks, lookmat text messages, looking for indications of broken promises. Why would you want to go through that? You build on trust, you as a couple have no foundation without trusting each other. The problem is weed or not, he is putting things on you that he feels he would do, that is something you need to think about, people who are constantly accusing their partner of cheating are probably a cheater or capable of cheating, so food for thought. Don't waste your breath trying to defend yourself , there is nothing to defend. Silence your voice on the subject, just make up your mind if you want to continue in this, he is not going to stop smoking the stuff, he likes as others do, the feeling he gets. The best advertisement I have heard on TV is the one where the guy doesn't want to get a job or do anything with himself, keeps smoking weed, and the voice comes on and says "why do you think they call it dope"? He as I said, has to decide what he wants to do about the pot, but I think it goes deeper than that, he is insecure and he would have to talk to a therapist about facing those insecuities and rectifying them, then he would be able to gradually trust. But that's a long way off, I don't know if your relationship has that kind of a window of opportunity. I hope these words help you a bit. Write back and let me know your thoughts. Take care
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2009):
 I'm sorry to say that it's typical for someone who is cheating, has been cheated on or has cheated in the past to accuse a partner of cheating.
Lack of trust will lead to lack of respect and lack of love. It's no way ot have a relationship.
You need tosit him down and talk about this. Figure out why he is projecting cheating onto you.
And maybe get him some help with his pot-head problem.
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