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female
,
*adgirlcutie
writes: HELP me:(I thought I found the love of my life. I have been with him for 2 years. He has two wonderful children that I love. He got married at 20, and divorced after 6 years. then was in another relationship of 3 years that did not work out either. Therefore, no room for bachelor life. I have always thought the world of this man. I love him with all my heart.Now to present time. My friend was playing around on the internet and we stumbled upon sexy singles. We found his profile. I didn't know what to think. I confronted him and he said it didn't mean anything. He said I had nothing to worry about and that I was the love of his life. Well, I made a fake profile and contacted him. He is asking to meet and gave me his phone number. What do I do now? I am devastated. I feel like I am going to throw up.
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male
reader, BeenHurt +, writes (4 January 2007):
I have read the original post and the replies and Im not sure those who have replied really understand the problem.
I found this by searching for "addicted to Internet Dating" and the reason will become apparant.
Early March 2005 my wife and I booked a holiday of a lifetime in USA (I'm British) for us and our two teenage children. Soon after she suggested we re-new our vows in Vegas.
Please believe me when I say that our 19 year marriage was in my opinion very stong and I never suspected for one moment it would ever end. Yes, we had "moments", but what relationship does not. For the last 3 years of our marriage I dont recall one serious argument. This stemmed from time she went on anti-depressents (work related stress) and lost a hell of a lot of weight (she is now slimmer than any time I have known her).
Then, during March that year something happened to her. 18 months down the line I now realise it was mid-life crisis, simple depression, depression brought on by prescription drugs she was taking or simply "curiosity".
I discovered in April that she was having an affair. I then discovered that she had joined at least three dating sites and she had met this man through one of them. If that was not bad enough, I discovered that her profile on one site stated her sexual preferences and stated she was "single, and lived alone with her children"....News to me.
The shock to me was devistating and I was prescribed with reactive depression. I just could not cope with what I found and she could not stop, or see what damage she was doing. The majority of the holiday was cancelled and we separated.
When I was away with work she often stopped at the house to care for my boys (they stayed with me). Im ashamed to say I then checked on PC for what she did when I was away. What I discovered did me no good. She told one man "This is no good, I need Phone sex" and another MSN contact asked "can I see your lovely naked body".
Before the problems started we had no secrets. We even knew and read each others e-mail (my x2b did not even want a mobile phone or e-mail account). Once the problems started she immediatly changed her passwords, created secret e-mail accounts and was never separated from her mobile (down to taking it in bathroom with her).
We kept bouncing back together, and I even wore my wedding ring when I took my boys on 1st leg of holiday, but she was addiced travelling miles to meet these men.
Anyway, finally I could not take any more and reluctantly filed for divorce. I had also met a lovely woman who helped me no end. Ironically this was via the www, but NOT dating sites (a divorce support group no less). I think this woke my x2b up, and within a month she had met someone, and within 2 months was living with him.
The reason Im posting this is its too easy to point finger at men, and even easier to "slam the sinner". My wife is/was not a terrible person, she got addicted and could not see the damage. She had six months off from reality and due to that a 19 year marriage is over.
On the face of it, it looks as she has struck lucky. Her new fella takes her all over the world, but has she really?. Was it worth giving up what we had built up for 20 years, the trust we had in each other and a "safe" future.
I am so bitter we can only communicate via e-mail. She still maintains she did nothing wrong and was just looking for friends and was so unhappy in marriage (please read what I said earlier re "single" and "sexual preferences" and "wedding vows" to see why I cant accept that excuse. She even said to me that I had no grounds for divorce!
A
female
reader, Zrockstress +, writes (13 November 2005):
Sweetie.... Grab your yellow pages.. Look up "Escorts"... HIRE a MALE yes I said MALE escort..to meet him at a restraunt.......... Schmooze up to him in your emails.. I mean REALLY schmooze make him fall FAST and HARD....... Set a time and place for you : ahem : "two" to meet.... Fill the escort or "date" in with what's going on and find a hidden corner in the restraunt and watch it all happen. I PROMISE you... You'll feel better :0)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005): Some people are just born dogs. Walk away. Find someone deserving of your love and trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): It seems that you have become involved with someone who you really don’t know very well and he's a cheater. You have a lot to decide about the future of this relationship. Trust is a foundation of any relationship. When confronted with prime evidence that this man is involving himself in messing around on you, why on earth would you want to continue? \ People tend to behave they same way they always have behaved-he will not change, dear.
He did you a big wrong, dear because his committment to you is skewed and totally lost..all because of his own immediate self-interest which took precedence over 'you'. He chose this wrong because it suited him at the moment, but what message does that give you about him? In my opinion, something is lacking in his character and if you stay, you are setting yourself up for more long term grief and sorrow, with this guy. My gut reaction is , as hard as it is, save your self-respect..walk away now and cut your losses. I think, in your heart, you know the right thing to do. Sorry this has happened to you hun...take note of what happened and learn from it and never allow a man to do this to you again. You will not feel good for leaving a man you love-but eventually, over time, a more permanent and meaningful good feeling inside you will come, from facing this truth about him. It will take courage to weather the pain...but the payoffs will be great-you will regain your self-respect. Good luck.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (27 October 2005):
 You obviously were highly suspicious of him anyway to create a fake profile.
He is not to be trusted in the slightest. I don't know why he is like this or even how long he has been like this but he isn't even worth the bother of trying to figure it all out.
He is clever in that he has duped you but there is every chance that he did or does have real feelings for you but it addicted to internet dating and meeting other women.
You have to give him the push, despite what you feel. This is going to be so very hard but what choice do you have?
You have been instrumental in catching him red-handed. He may make up some excuse, lie, say he won't do it again but will you ever be able to trust him?
I'm really sorry but the best word to say to this man is good-bye and try to move on with your life by relying on friends and giving yourself time to heal.
My thoughts are with you.
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A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (27 October 2005):
 Tell him the gig is up. I took an IQ test and now get generic "someone is waiting to meet you..." junk mail. But I have no profile. A profile is intent to get feedback and if on a dating site, intent to date. You did not even need to send anything to him to know this I am sure. If he responded at all after you confronted him the first time he is either too dumb for dirt or wanted to get caught at some level.
I'm so sorry but it is now time to realize one of the hardest things anyone has to face. You think the world of a figment of your imagination. He does not exist. Not the person you thought (or hoped) he would be.
Now he is gonna try and say that he knew it was you or some other lie. The ball is in your court. The kicker is that it always has been. Whatever you do next, stay present with what is happening not what you wish was. Also, keep in mind who you want to be and ask yourself if what you accept and what you do is making that happen. In truth we are who we act like we are. True for him and for you.
Before you talk to him about it try to focus on what you want out of life (not what he wants) and remember that we train others how to treat us.
Again, I am so sorry. Try to remember this horrible feeling you surely have and use that to remind yourself that you need to judge men on verifiable facts not on hunches. We as women fill in the blanks soooo often it is scarey. Think about friends who love who you think is a bum. They have the chemistry with the guy and you have the truth because you don't wish in the blanks. Nearly impossible, but if you take it very slow, anything is possible.
Good luck ;'(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): He's obviously been lying to you, and you can't trust him anymore. that is unfortunate, but he's a big boy, and he will have to face the consequences. Its up to you whether you give him another chance or not. I don't think he is going to change, which means he is not the Mr. Right you dreamed about. Confront him about this, and see what his reaction is. If he doesn't change 180degrees, pretty quick, I would recommend you say good bye and good riddance.
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