A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok this is an odd one to ask but i would like some help as im a little lost as to what i can do or say to help im very upset at mo i found a friend had died this morning and i have another problem thats weighing heavy on my mind.. , my bf loves me very much and says he wont give up on me..but his mum hates me because im not christian like them(my bloke loves me and says that he doesnt want a christian girl he wants me) ive offered to meet her but she wont meet me. he wants to come with me to my parents home, but she doesnt want him going, so this is stressing him out badly he doesnt like to argue and thats all they have been doing..everytime he mentions me she goes off the wall she really doesnt like me and she doesnt know me at all only what he has said and he says nothing to her but im nice , lovely kind and caring.. she has seen a picture of me on cam and said i looked lovely and had a nice smile, so why does she hate me???.. my friend says the reason she doesnt want to meet me is because shes afraid shell like me and im not christian( not too be rude against religious people but thats awful to think that im not a good person because i dont have the same faith). its really getting me down and i can only imagine what its doing to him.. he loves his mum dearly (btw hes 22, im 21) he says hes not a kid anymore..im just afraid that hes going to choose her over me in a sense if he choose his mum ide be happy because he loves his mum and i dont want them arguing, but ide be devasted aswell as i love him and he says he doesnt want to give up on me and loves me soo much..i know no matter what happens is going to happen just wish their was something i could do or say to support him through this..any advice would be great ty xxxxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007):
I think its pretty judgementmental, not to mention inaccurate, to single out "'fundamentalist' Christians" for disapprobation. There are plenty of cultural and religious group that do not encourage dating outside their group- in fact probably constituting the majority of the world's population.
On the other hand I have known several members of fundamentalist sects who have dated and married non-Christains and Jews.
Lets keep perspective in the advice.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007):
How exactly is she supposed to know you are a "good person"- other than you have a nice smile on your cam shot?
Have are you involved in any charities or causes? Do you have any direction in your life? Goals? Ambitions? Does she have any evidence that you are leading an ethical life?
Its easy to project our own expectations on "the in laws" especially if there are in a different social group than you are. But think of it from their position- what actual evidence do they have about you and the way you plan to live your life. You may feel that you are a 'good person', but what can they actually see? After all they want the best for their child.
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A
female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 Hello dear!
I'm so terribly sorry for all that you going threw!
I know first hand what it feels like to be disliked by the boyfriends family!
I lost the love of my life like that! And as terrible as it is and as much as it hurts because i still feel the pain, my break up was about 3 months ago, you need to stand for what you feel is right1
I know you love him i can hear it in your question!
There are one or two options, if you really are serious about him, then have you considered converting! There are many relgions that will welcome you! But that is only if you are really willing to give up everything for this man.
Alternatively the only other suggestion is write his mother a letter telling how you feel about him and just be honest with her!
But if all of this fails then i hate to tell you most men will chose family!
And if this happens, please speak to someone about the way you feel and let it all out, thats what we all here for, to help each other!
Converting is an important decision, look up into the religion see if you can understand it and see if you can believe it!
I converted and and the man is not even in my life anymore but it was a choice i made and understood and therefor the choice was mine because i understood not because of a man!
But whatever the choice for you and him, you need to always support each others decisions if not for the relationship then for the friendship
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): Hmm, unless this women is a devote "fundamentalist" Christian whom religion is her life then there is obviously more to why this women "hates" you.
Perhaps the real problem is that she does not want to let go of her "baby". What's the situation with previous girlfriends - has he had any?
If you were in your teens, I'd probably suggest you drop it if it is causing so much hassle, but your in your 20's now, and rightly as you say, your boyfriend is not a kid anymore.
His mum is behaving pretty immaturely and should at least want to meet you properly before judging you. It is pretty disgraceful really, Christian's of all people should not be judgemental.
My personal opinion, and this is what I would do is... I would should stand up to my mother and say something like this:
"Thank you for your opinion on the subject, I know your feelings towards her, however, I love her very much and I would love for you to meet her, and get to know her before judging her, but if you do not want to then please do not criticise her, or mention her again to me as you will only create a wedge between me and you and I don't want that to happen."
You do sound like a sweet girl, so don't allow her opinions to ever make you feel like you will be second-best to this guy, because you're not. You could easily be a much better girlfriend and partner to this guy. Not being a Christian doesn't mean anything. Remember your worth OK? :)
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A
male
reader, Thomas17  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 religion tends to be a firestarter in young relationships, as of now youre experiencing. however, it might not be religion that is playing havoc, it could be other things, maybe his mum didnt expect a gal like you, as she had imagined her son with. what about his dad? is he ok with you?
p.s. very sorry about your late friend, may he find rest in the afterlife.
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