A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help determining if I have a reason to feel the way I do.Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years, we have had some rocky patches mostly due to his divorce (which is now final). In the beginning we moved things far too quickly, by our own admission, I met his kids, was spending more time at his place than mine, I did the grocery shopping, I decorated, I did the gardening. It was as though we created this little family. His mom came to stay on his weekends with the kids and in the beginning she was fine with me.Fast forward two years, boyfriend and I spent a couple months apart trying to figure out his issues. His mom in that time became 'the woman' of the house. We have now drawn a line in the sand and moved on. However, I am constantly critisized for the things I do, she doesnt talk to me unless its to disagree with something Ive said. She made a very funny freudian slip the other day about being married to her son. If I move something in the house, she moves it back. Its like I dont have a place there anymore, and it makes me not want to spend time there. Boyfriend thinks its all in my head and Im being ridiculous. Ive tried to tell him that if he made a physical space for me in the house, maybe his mother would see and understand that there is another adult in the house capable of making decisions and having an opinion.Its driving a massive wedge in our relationship and I desperately want things to go back to how they were before. Its like Im in a constant power struggle with this woman. Ive tried talking to him, Ive tried to ask if this is the way things are likely to always be, is his mother going to let us grow into a family. Its like she thinks he NEEDS her and only she can restore order to the household after his divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe doesn't live there either, I'm there 90% of the time. She comes to stay every second weekend.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (14 January 2010):
Wait a minute... You don't live there? I thought you moved back! So in that case you have no say in how things are done if you don't live there. How can you be staying somewhere else then come to their house and move things around? No way. When you go there, you are a guest. So your bf is right. You would do better by trying to win her over and pretend to like what she does and says. You can deal with her later once your relationship with your boyfriend is more certain. In the meantime, take your place as a guest and let her be the lady of the house. Be pleasant and patient. Once you seal the deal with your man then you can make a new plan. For now its to win her over to seeing you as the perfect makoti.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.s. Establish is the most perfect word to describe what I need from the situation. Thank you, I couldn't put my tongue on it, and everything else made me sound like a control seeking pyscho!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWithdrawing is my only option. I agree that he has chosen her to be lady of the manor, complaing about it makes it seem like I've issued an ultimatum. I've voiced my opinion, and I won't voluntarily put myself into a situation where I'm not comfortable, so I guess I withdraw. Maybe he will take it seriously now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's not going to happen! She doesn't think she is treating me badly and he says that's just the way she is. She has even said in front of both of us that her ideal is just her sons and grandchildren, no wives! Boyfriend says to just accept her for as she is and one day when I move in, she will have to accept that its my home and she can't run it as she is now. My problem is that I think we should be progressing towards that gradually, its going to be a big adjustment for her one day to lose control so suddenly and besides who even says its likely she will now that she is so comfortable being the 'boss lady'??? I love spending time being part of a family, but its got to the point where I would rather not be there, which means I don't see the kids, than be undermined and treated like part of the furniture. We come from different backgrounds and obviously there is a generational gap, so how she does things and how I would like to do things are very different, but at the moment because I don't live there what she says is the way things are. Boyfriend being a man, couldn't really care whether the table cloth she chose to use for a dinner party looks like it came off the ark as opposed to the new matching one I had just bought. It sounds so petty, but that is how limited my decision making is. And please don't tell me to do what I want when she is not there, tried that, and everything was changed back to how she wanted it within a day of her being there. As far as I'm concerned since its not her house, its not my house, either one of us has an equal say in what goes on! Its like she is living the life she never had before. I'm not sure how our relationship is supposed to grow if I'm not able to prove that I would make a suitable wife or step mother when I'm constantly undermined and disregarded?
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (14 January 2010):
Let me tell you something my dear. You need to sit his mother down and talk to her. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her that you want to get along with her and you want to understand what her problem is. You dont have to be rude and dont ask your boyfriend first for permission to talk to her. You will be surprised how much she will say and also back off when she sees you are no push over. I mean, is she going to sleep with him since she thinks he only needs her? Talk to her, plainly, simply and respectfully. Whatever happens dont lose your cool. Even if she raises her voice keep yourself in check. If things spiral out of control and your boyfriend gets involved, it will provoke him that you shouted at his mother and he will have no choice but to defend her honor. But if she is the one that becomes hysterical while you remain cool then she will look like the home wrecker.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): Your issues are with the boyfriend. Since you don't want to blame him you are finding another culprit.
His mother won't hassle you if you felt certain of him. He has chosen that she play the lady of the house. He can choose to establish you... I think you should withdraw from the situation instead of wanting more... Lets see what he says.
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