A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all! Any advice is much appreciated.My boyfriend is 21 (soon to be 22) and I am 20, respectively. We have been dating for nearly five months. I care about him a lot and truly love him but we have been hitting some stumbling blocks lately. The most major one seems to be his mother.First, some background: I am my boyfriend's first serious relationship. I also took his virginity. He, unfortunately, does not have many friends. He doesn't hangout with anyone besides me. His childhood and adolescent best friend now lives states away and is getting married in the winter. He's an only child and has lived most of his life without much involvement with his father. His mother is basically his only somewhat close family member, but I will get to that later. Basically, my boyfriend is not incredibly socially active and often can be a bit immature. He has had problems sharing his time and having a positive attitude and self image, during the first few months of our relationship, but I've been super patient with him and have been working with him on everything: learning to share your time, learning to compromise, how to be in a fair and equal relationship with lots of communication, how to be in a balanced sexual relationship, how to be intimate, everything! It's not that I'm "training" him to be my man slave, but he rather has asked me to explain things to him and help him help our relationship strengthen and grow. Lately, his effort is so sky high. He is incredibly good to me and is an excellent partner. I tell him this all of the time. It's been arduous, but totally worth it. However, I often feel like we are not allowed to have an adult relationship because of his mother. My boyfriend is not close to anyone in his family and his closest relationship is with his mother. He has told me that their relationship is very strained. He tells me about how overprotective she has been throughout the years, even to this day. From what he describes, he wasn't really allowed to hangout with friends during high school. She never let him go anywhere or do anything. Naturally, I question why, but fail to find a reason. He is smart and responsible. He did and still does well in school. He doesn't drink nor do drugs. He is pretty straight-laced. He can't offer any reasons either besides the fact that she is just incredibly overprotective. She still acts this way.She often interferes with our plans and gives him problems about seeing me. In a given week, my boyfriend and I usually hangout twice. We both live at home and he has an awkward living arrangement at his home with his mother, aunt, and grandma because of his unfavorable financial situation. (His mother is ill and cannot work. I, of course, feel horrible about this. He works full time to put himself through school and support himself) At his house, he doesn't have his own room or any privacy. So, he prefers to come to my house. My parents like him and have no problem with this. They don't mind if he stays late. His mother does though and often will complain about him staying out past 11 or 12. He never stays later than 1. I find this ridiculous, as he is a nearly 22 year old man. He seems to have spoken up about that though and he now usually stays until 1. Nevertheless she will make the occasional 10 pm call, inquiring about when he plans to come home.He lives about eight miles away in an adjacent town. The drive isn't long. He shares a car with his mother, but she cannot drive at night, due to health problems. He maintains the car and buys its gas. However, she ultimately owns it. His mother will often tell him he cannot use it to come to my house. He asked why once and she said he would be putting way too many miles on it and wasting gas. (Remember we see one another twice per week)Because I know it isn't technically his car to galavant around town in, I will often just pick him up to avoid the upset and argument. Whenever we want to drive a long distance, I volunteer automatically. Within the past few weeks, I have picked him up eight out of ten times.One time I drove us 1.5 hours away to another city. Just last night, I invited him over. He was willing, but his mother was fighting him about the car. I don't mind occasionally picking him up. However, the operative word is OCCASIONALLY. I pick him up roughly 80 - 90% of the time. I drive eight miles to get him, eight miles back, eight miles to drop him off and then another eight to head back home. If anyone is putting miles on a car and wasting gas, it is me! Some might ask if she needs the car when we want to hang out. The answer is NO. Our plans are always in the evening after class and work. She can't drive at night, as mentioned before. So, 9 out of 10 times, she has absolutely no use for the car. So last night, I finally had had it. I told him that, while this is not entirely his fault, it is absolutely ridiculous and inconsiderate. He said he agreed, but that he couldn't take the car and we didn't see one another. He told me later that he fought with her, explaining that I have been driving a lot and it is double the trip, but she said she didn't care. He is saving for his own car now. He and I have also discussed going on a trip together next summer. Alone. He basically is too afraid to mention it to her because he knows she will flip out. Just a few weeks ago, my parents invited him to come on vacation with us for the winter holidays. He seemed eager at first and said he would look to see if he could take off the time from work, but days later he told me his family, particularly his Mom, would be very unhappy with him if he were not home then. So, he probably shouldn't. I really feel that he needs to stand up to her more and quit letting her rule his entire life. I don't want him to fight and feud with her, but her overprotective, nearly clingy attitude is very obstructive to our relationship and his ability to be an adult. I have met her several times and the strange thing is that she is quite polite and nice to me, as I am with her. I've told him that and he always tells me not to be fooled by it and that it is simply a show. So, why doesn't he do something about her? Why doesn't he try to sit down with her? I really can't stand feeling like I am dating a 15 year old. He always has to run his plans by her and seek her approval. I don't know what to do or how to handle this! My parents allow me to go as I please, so long as I am respectful of them and their house. I let them know where I'm going and who I will be with. I even check in with them through text just to let them know I'm okay or when I will be home. They never badger me, though. They never tell me I can't go out or that I need to be home by midnight. I find this all so strange because the both of us arent teenagers, but he is treated like one. How do I talk to him about this? How can we make this situation better? Thank you for any help!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEnjoyLife,
I never considered that! That's a different perspective and a good one to consider. I will be careful with what I say and will try my best to just go with the flow. I bought him a license plate cover with his favorite sports team as a surprise incentive to get his car! I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging.
A
female
reader, enjoyliferegardless +, writes (26 October 2011):
A psychiatrist once explained to me "the power of a parent". Everybody needs their parents approval. Parents are generally the people that we most want to please. A neighbor once told me that when a girl marries a man, the girl's mother inherits a son. But when a boy or man gets married, his mother loses a son. I don't believe that this is necessarily true, however I have seen in 55 years of life, that mothers truly do not like to let go of their little boys. I commend you for being very mature considering your age. And it sounds as though you have wonderful parents who can trust you and to whom you have great respect. It sounds to me as though you have found a very nice person, and you are confused as to why he will not address certain issues with his mother. I have had a husband for 10 years that still cannot say anything to his mother that he thinks may be upsetting in any way to her, and he's 57 years old. My suggestion is to remember to be kind whenever talking about his mother. Keep in mind~~ it's ok for him to complain about her, but you need to be careful in this regard. Know that it is HER car, and therefore he really CAN'T say much to her about it. Just understand that when he gets his own car, that situation will correct itself. He's dependent on his mother right now for a car, a place to live, and remember that "power of a parent thing", for her approval. When he is no longer under her roof, he will be able to live his life as he chooses. I wouldn't worry a bit about the fact that he's not standing up to his mother right now. What I would be concerned about though, is if he will be able to do it once he is on his own. Then if she decides to try and rule his life, you HAVE A PROBLEM!!!! For now, enjoy life and work on your relationship and try not to dwell on his mother.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 It would be great if you could do some casual but sneaky detective work on the mother if you can. Try and ask her some sneaky questions on things that he's told you she's said and see what she says about the situation. If her story is completely different to his then you will know for sure he is a rat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I haven't. I find that odd as well. I would think she would indicate she isn't too thrilled about my presence in person as well. I've often wondered if he upsets her and only gives me his one sided, condensed version of the story. He could be using it as a way to get me to do all of the driving, so he can save on gas. Sometimes i do find it odd that one night his mom is supposedly fighting him about the car, but the next night she says nothing and he comes over. Do you think he is using it so he doesn't have to spend the gas or so sometimes we dont have to hang out? What should I do? How should I talk to him?
Thanks for your response and for reading that gigantic post! I appreciate it!
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (23 October 2011):
Have you actually witnessed her behaviour that he describes. I am suspicious that he is making this all up in an effort to make you do the running round. Especially given how polite she is to you in person. If she was really the diabolical nightmare he is describing she wouldn't be so nice in person she would be cold and unfriendly.
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