A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My ex of 1.5 years and I broke up nearly two months ago. We had a very good, loving relationship, but a problem loomed as we are both approaching transitions in our careers that might take us to different places (we work for the same, very large company, in different areas, so we're not really co-workers in the traditional sense). He's several years younger than I am (I'm 35, he's 29) and while I'm ready for a step like marriage, he was/is not. And it had been weighing on him for a while; he felt like he needed to end the relationship out of fairness to us both. We never actually sat down and discussed what we each wanted for the future (he's very conflict avoidant and doesn't like to talk about sensitive things).We were both gutted about the break-up -- we'd been each other's best friend. It was tough for us both, although we've kept in limited contact. Unfortunately but not surprisingly he chose to deal with it by very quickly starting to date a much younger woman who also works in our company. She isn't someone I know, and because I work in a very different area from them, I don't encounter her (thank goodness!). He was very reluctant to admit to me that he was dating anyone at first, and we had a row about his lack of honesty on this issue. He then admitted he'd just wanted to avoid hurt feelings, although he continues to downplay her significance. They've been dating for five or six weeks now. He refuses to call her his girlfriend, and has several times corrected me when I've referred to her as such. He says "she's the girl I've gone out with five or six times."I'd assumed they were sleeping together. But, weirdly, he has strongly intimated that they aren't (and not because I'd asked!). This is totally out of character for him; he's a very sexual person, and if one is going to have a rebound relationship, isn't sex a given? Of course he didn't outright tell me that they're not sleeping together, and he could be (yet again) trying to downplay things so that my feelings won't be hurt. But since I haven't indicated any interest in getting back together or even discussing what was between us since I found out about his new girlfriend, I haven't given him any reason to tiptoe around the truth. He has introduced her to mutual friends -- bringing her along to parties or meeting for drinks, but denying that she's his "girlfriend." Our friends report that she's nice, but they are a bit puzzled by the whole situation. As am I!OK, that's all background and I apologize for going on so long. In the meantime, I had dinner with him last weekend, during which he said several things that make me think that he's reconsidering his decision to end things with me. Most significantly, he said, "We would have been happy together forever, wouldn't we?" To which I responded, "Yes, but we can also have a great friendship that will last a long time." I wasn't trying to be quelling, but I feel that as long as he's dating another woman, there is no point in even discussing what was or might be between us.He bikes from his office to his gym, and my apartment lies between the two, but my street is not the most direct route and certainly not the only route! Yet twice this week we've met because he was riding down my street coming back from the gym at night. Each time he has stopped and we've chatted for a while. He has taken the opportunity to do a few small favors for me -- nothing big, and nothing that by itself indicates that he's longing for me or wanting to have another go with me. But he's certainly not avoiding me!I emailed him yesterday to see what his plans for the evening were -- I was going out with some friends and didn't want to run the risk of encountering him with his new girlfriend. His response, when I asked him what he was doing, was to tell me that he was basically free for dinner because the girlfriend had other plans, but they had "tentative" plans to meet up later to see a movie. When he discovered that I'd been asking not because I'd wanted to see if he could meet me but because I wanted to *avoid* running into them, he called me to see what I was doing, and with whom. (I told him what and where but not with whom -- let him wonder!) He told me he thought I'd been asking if he was free to meet with me. I got the strong impression that if I had wanted to get together, he would have made time for me, even at the expense of going out with his girlfriend ... but maybe I'm kidding myself.Anyway, my question is: am I imagining that he's reconsidering his choice to break up with me? And if I'm not imagining it, am I right to think that unless and until he ends things with this other woman I should make no opening for him to talk to me about anything other than the light-hearted, friendly stuff we currently keep in touch about? The mixed signals are confusing.Thanks!
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBabomi, thank you for your feedback, it's very reassuring. I'm going to make it more clear to him that I would be receptive if he wants to talk about us, or even about getting back together, but I'm still going to give him lots of space to sort out what he wants. He must be the one to initiate anything.
I just need patience. I do wish he'd break things off with this other woman, even if he's not quite ready to come back to me ... but I suppose I should just trust the process and the signs that he's still interested in me.
Thanks again for responding to me!
A
female
reader, babomi  +, writes (12 October 2008):
 he looks very much like he's still into youall his signals are saying : she s not important to me, you are, i think of us, and by character, he does not like to talk about sensitive issues?he s trying very hard to get back with you his way, open the door for him a little bit and over what could be, but if you keep cutting him off with the "we re friends", he ll feel rejected take the risk, play it softly step by step
...............................
|
