A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together nearly 3 years. He was right into porn before i moved in. It caused a few issues and i talked to him about how uncomfortable it made me that he watched it behind my back.I thought he stopped.Countless times since, i have discovered that he has been watching it. Even lying to me about it.It has caused me much heartache and caused me not to trust him. Don't get me wrong, i love sex and we are great in bed. Anything goes so to speak.I do love him.Am i wasting my time in this relationship?Will he continue to resort to porn?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): RUN LIKE CRAZY !! I've been in a relationship that lead to marriage for 8 yrs now and this has always been an issue, so has drinking, etc.
But I'm the one with the high sex drive, into anything and don't get enough ! Not him. But I get angry, because he'll make me do without and do it with the computer instead and then LIE about it, even said that my kids put it on there, or it just comes up on the computer, lol.... moron !
I've done everything I know and it's not changed a thing ! Now in marriage counseling and he said that for him to show me respect, means I'm looking for a perfect marriage... so now I think it's time to move on, because it's obvious that he doesn't know what respect is and what a marriage is about, trust, and respect... and he shows me none of those and never will.
So my advice is to RUN and get out of it now ! before there's nothing left of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008): Thank you. I am happy that I could be of some help. I too used to be very insecure, although not as much as you seem to be. I had trouble with confidence in relationships and have been afraid at times that my wife did not love me anymore or didn't like sex with me anymore. Both of these were always unwarranted and I can appreciate how you might feel if your husband were to watch porn. If my wife had watched it alone when I had moments of insecurity then I probably would have been hurt. It would have probably added to my insecurity. Fortunately for me, my really insecure moments only lasted for a week or two. There were longer periods of mild insecurity.
As I said before, my wife and I have done well at compromising about things that we don't agree on. The most difficult one for me has been in the frequency of sex in the past, as I always wanted it more than her. Sometimes her reluctance hurt me, so this is the closest thing that I can think of to compare to the porn problem. Most of the time we have done well at compromising and sometimes we did poorly because we would not talk about our differences. When we talked and compromised then everything was fine. Talking is the most important thing in any relationship. Sometimes we have done well and sometimes we haven't. I have found that discussion and compromise can solve almost all relationship problems. There should be no embarrassment in a couple talking about their problems, whether it be porn, frequency of sex, ED or whatever. Good luck in finding a solution to your concerns. PM me if you want to discuss this more.
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female
reader, prettykitty +, writes (4 January 2008):
But he hides it from me and lies to me about it.His excuse is that i get upset about it and thats why he won't tell me. BLAH!Yes i do, but the fact that it's being hidden and the lies make it worse.I've even offered to do our own, so it's me (and him)that he's getting off on and not some other woman/women that are perfect and flawless.It gives me low self esteem and makes me feel inadequate.He wont tell me anything about it, says it's not important.Am i wasting my time?Will i be better off finding someone that is willing to be loyal to my feelings and hope i can find someone to understand? Will i find someone that will be so?I hate the fact that i get jealous and angry over something like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008): Thanks to the male reader who gave his opinion. It is evenly split as you say but you also point out that it is less of a problem for women who are secure about themselves,what if that security is not there? I have suffered from depression for ten years and at the moment am almost having a breakdown because of my insecurities (this is one of my more lucid moments) I have suggested watching porn together but he is too embarrased! I'm glad that someone who has been in a marriage for 28 years has given their opinion as well. This response has really made me re think my ideas.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): This question has been asked many times on this forum and the answers that women give are about evenly split. Some women hate it when their partners watch porn. Others don't mind it. Others like it and usually want to watch it together. It is just one form of fantasy and women seem to be evenly split when it comes to their men having any type of fantasy. The women who are the most secure about themselves and their relationship don't seem to have much trouble with it.
I agree with Mandy. Porn is not real. I doubt that he desires those women more that you. Men seem to need sexual stimulation more than most women. It is exciting for us. My first wife and my current wife both liked watching it
with me. My current wife and I have been together for 28 years and it has not affected our relationship, except to make the sex more exciting or pleasureable sometimes.
Neither my wife nor I find any problem with either of us watching porn. There are times when we both want a lot of sex together and never watch it. We just spend the time together getting each other turned on. We don't watch it then because we have no need to. Other times my wife is not in the mood in the morning when we first get awake at 6 in the morning. Of course, I am always in the mood. :) If I can't sleep I will get up and do some work. If she tells me to come back to bed in a couple of hours, I may watch some porn before I go back to bed to get in the mood again. Sometimes she wants to have sex, but doesn't want an extended session. She will ask me to go watch some porn for a while so that I am more turned on and won't take so long. We use it as we see fit and neither of us are bothered by it. We also watch it together sometimes when we have had more to drink that usual and while we are having sex. We stop occasionally and watch the porn between positions so that we can have an exciting extended session.
Just because someone watches something that he does not have at home does not mean that person wants that instead of his partner. For instance, my wife likes watching men with big penises and I like watching women with big boobs. However, both of us have had that in real life years ago and neither one of us liked it very much. We both like what we have with each other much better, even though we like watching well endowed actors on screen.
My personal opinion is that, if your sex life with him is very good, then you should not let this bother you. However, if it is always going to bother you, then he either has to stop it or you have to leave him. If you force him to stop it then you will not have a happy life together. If he wants to stop it for you, then your relationship will be good. My wife and I have had a great relationship for 28 years because we do not force the other person to do something. We either put up with each others likes or we compromise, mostly compromise. Fortunately, we both like the same things most of the time. We have compromised with foods that we eat, our sex likes, where we want to go on vacation and many other things. It has never been one sided.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): i myself use to get so angry at my fiance watching and downloading porn,i felt ugly an worthless,but ive learnt to ignore it and im now coping a lot better,i no longer make an issue of it as no matter what i say hes going to do it anyway,maybe one day i hope it will fizzle out
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): I would try and find it and burn it personally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Hi, I'm not sure I agree with Mandy's answer, I am in the same situation and trying to decide what to do. It hurts when i know what he does but I don't see why women should accept it. It is a degading act and think that today's society is all too ready to accept it because that is 'modern society'. However, I do agree that it is seen as the norm-do you love him enough to let it go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
I really wouldnt let this get you down hunny, its images of women he will never see and curiosity killed the cat...
As long as the two of you are happy with each other and your sex life is not suffering because of it personally id take no notice, This can and does cause alot of problems for women as there isnt enough stuff for us ladys out there to occupy us in this way..I.E hot men to drool over. If you are really not happy then maybe it is time you made a decition if you want to spend the rest of your life with him, But the chances are it will happen again in another relationship.
If he was being nasty to you and putting you down then watching it Id say go, Try and find a mag with nice men to look at, I do understand very much so, But this day and age life is like this more so than years ago and I no it can make you feel as if he is prefering these girls but the truth of it all is nothing compared to what they see on screen, These girls have to get ready for these films in not such great conditions they have to have enemas to clear them out before going on camera and it not as sexy as it seems, some do like there jobs the majority do it because its easy money and they no it sells.
So like I said go out buy yourself a good mag and have a little fun yourself, or move on and find someone else that you feel happier with love WITH MUCH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxx
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