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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear CupidI discovered, whilst on holiday earlier this week, that my husband has been seeing another woman (the same one resurrected from a previous affair of over 8 years ago). I found out because I was checking his mobile for a message from my daughter and found a message from her stating "miss you". When I confronted him he admitted it but stated that he was intending to end it on returning from holiday. I don't trust him at all and can't get it out of my head. I am in turmoil what to do. He states that he loves me and is sorry for the hurt that he has caused and that he wants to stay with me. Lots of things are going through my mind at the moment, including phoning her and meeting up to discuss exactly what has been going on. This will be, very painful for me but I can't get it out of my head. What should I do?Sheila
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2005): Shiela, My heart goes out to you and I am sorry that you husband has caused so much pain and hurt in your life. You do not deserve this. Without committment & trust, there is no successful relationship. If he is truly committed to you and he truly loves you, he will make the clear cut, moral decision to stay away from the former gf. If this is his second time...he should have known better and all the trouble, all the pain, all the devastation it was going to cause, you and your family. He's a big boy-he wasn't coerced or forced to begin a new affair with her..he made the choice to do so.
Adultery doesn't have to end in divorce, though. But it is a wake-up call-a very loud one-that something is seriously wrong with the relationship. If a couple can learn to recognize the real motivations for the infidelity, and develop the skills to deal with the underlying problems. He states he loves you and wants to stay. If that is the truth then he can begin proving it to you and earning your devotion and trust by helping you to rebuild your marriage. He must take responsibility for his actions and break off all contact with this woman--no phone calls, letters, emails or messages..nothing.
Next thing to do, get some intensive marriage counseling. Find out and discuss the underlying problems that contributed to difficulty in your marriage. Try to figure out where each of your needs weren't being met. Do not blame each other. Empathizing with each other's emotions will make you feel more connected. Once you're aware of where each partner's needs weren't being met, work towards correcting those problems. The most difficult task for him will be restoring your trust. He strayed so he must be willing to go to great lengths to assure you that he is being faithful. This means keeping you informed of business meetings and travel so you know where he is, when he's working late and with whom. He has to find concrete ways to show you that you are valued and respected. A small gift with special significance, a call in the middle of the day, or a thoughtful card are all good choices. The final step will be rebuilding and re-romanticizing your marriage. Spend more pleasurable time together, playing tennis or taking golf lessons, for example. Begin to reconnect. Share your hopes and dreams about your new-and improved--future together.
One final note about the other woman. Don't waste your time and energy on her. She's not worth it, Sheila. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman. She's will feel she's not obligated to talk to you or hear what you have to say. And, in reality, She could misconstrue what you are saying as harassment and threats and this could put you on the wrong side of the law.
Good luck Sheila...I truly hope you find happiness with this man as it sounds like you really love him and want to make it work. However, make this his last chance.
If he does this again, ever...hire a lawyer!
Best of luck and sincere wishes hugs, Irish
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