A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Stats: I have full custody of my child. We have known each other from school, over 20 years ago. We reconnected almost one year ago. I’ve been divorced for nearly 10 years and have one young daughter. He has been divorced for one year and legally separated for 3 years. They have 50/50 custody, but she has only seen them about 4 days a month for the past 3 years. His ex is controlling, abusive to him and tells the kids bad things about me. We are trying to move forward in our relationship, but his kids don’t want to be involved with me. I feel that he is lying to me about the relationship in a desperate attempt to keep me in it, but keep his children out of it. I don’t know how or what boundaries to set in this relationship. I feel like I’m having an affair with a married man. I live 3 hours away. After six months, we introduced our children. We have been on hikes together, but he has had to force his kids to go. The ex-wife has met me and immediately after she started telling the kids that their dad is trying to replace her. The kids starting feeling anger toward me and HE started NOT calling me as frequently when he has them.We have been talking about marriage and because I live a far distance, we discussed having my daughter come with me to his house on the weekends. I have NEVER involved my child in a relationship. HE said that HIS children will have to deal with our involvement and we will all have to get together. Before I let my child stay at his house, I told her that I loved him and that he loves me. She asked me if I would marry him and I said I he asks I would. My daughter and I have been going to see him on weekends for the past 3 months. We don’t sleep in the same room. I sleep with my daughter.He has yet to involve his children with us. I feel betrayed. I feel that he has selfishly chosen to subject my daughter while consciously not involving his children. I spoke with him about it and he stated that his children are having a difficult time with our relationship. I asked him if he has told his children how serious our relationship is and that we are in love. He said NO.That was one month ago. My daughter has been away for two weeks. I’ve been down only when he doesn’t have his children. He has done NOTHING to try to involve us. I asked again if he told his kids about our feelings and that we are serious. Again, no. So, I asked him if he would do this for me before we see each other again. I asked again last night and in a text message he said, ‘yep’. I had to force what happened out of him. He said that he told them we are in love and, “we will see where it goes.” which is a lie because he and I both know where this is going or we wouldn’t be having this problem. I feel that he is lying to me about marriage and the seriousness of this relationship. I don’t think he talked to his kids at all.I have no clue what to do. I love him. I know his obligation is to his children first as is mine, but I feel that if he were serious about me then he would show it and tell his kids. We are NOT children. We are both in our mid forties. Help, I don’t know what to do. My child is already involved. I know that I cannot allow him to visit me anymore or involve my child until he is ready to do the same. The problem is that I cannot afford to drive 3 plus hours to ‘date’ him and his family. Please give me a solution.
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affair, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, married man, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010): I am the poster. Thank you for the wise answer.
A
female
reader, TintedMirror +, writes (1 January 2010):
 All together this guy still does not have is stuff in order. He may be really in love with you and trying to be sensitive to his kids feelings before letting them know he is not in love with their mother anymore, but a different woman. If that's the case he should have at least told a close friend or other family memebers. No one wants to be the outsider, or the one in hiding. It should never be like that. I would give him time and space to figure his divorce and seperation out(eventhough it has been a year or so). In the mean time keep you options open.
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