A
female
age
30-35,
*tatec
writes:I've been in a wonderful and eventful relationship with my current fiance (45) for a year and a half now. He's very masculine and energetic which is a far cry from my typical choice in partners (I typically go for more sensitive and effeminate guys, or just women all together) but this time I was immediately swept off my 21 year old feet. I've always wanted your typically american pie family. Always wanted children and a fiscally stable and very sexually active relationship then lo and behold, my dream man appears. He too, has been looking for a long term relationship with children and marriage. We've been very happy for the entire relationship, and I'm pregnant with our first child. Everything sounds wonderful, right? I thought so too, until I happened across his search history on his phone a couple weeks ago while trying to use google maps. There was webpage after webpage of gay porn in his search history. Interracial, deepthroat, gloryhole.. all SORTS of stuff. Granted, there were a few straight videos thrown in the mix, but no where near the amount of gay stuff. I'd like to think of myself as a very open minded person, especially when it comes to sexuality, but when I saw how often he'd been watching them and on what days (often on the days we had sex, which is almost daily) I started to get worried.Is he gay? Is he bisexual? I don't have problems with either of these types of people, but I don't want to legally bind myself to a gay individual for obvious reasons.. I don't know how to talk to him about it either because he's not homophobic, but is very 'gays are fine, but I'm not gay'. I love him very much, and could deal with him being bisexual, but I don't even know how to approach the subject without getting him on the defensive.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, chandlerguy +, writes (27 June 2014):
Most men are at least bi. They just won't admit it. Also, he may be going thru a mid-life crisis, have a stressful job, and this fetish for gay porn is just a stress release. I wouldn't particularly worry about it, but if you are willing to be very adventurous, ask him if he would like to participate in bi-group sex, the MMF kind if you are not comfy with female partners. It will really spice up your lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014): You declare yourself to be into sensitive effeminate men; or just women altogether. So why would having a gay or bisexual partner cause you such dismay? You said you don't want to be legally bound to someone like that? Well, you are into women; so I think that is a little hypocritical.
You would be placing a totally straight guy in the same position.
You are now pregnant. He is the biological father; which automatically gives him parental rights until they are legally taken from him. You have few choices about that; unless you do go the legal nine-yards.
I'm not sure about the harsh description of him being studly and virile; and trying to prove anything. He has the choice of having a man or a woman. Closeted or not. Until you discovered the porn, you were both fine.
Now how do you handle this? You must tell him what you know.
If you are unable to remain in a relationship with him, now is the time to work things out about your baby. He is at least out of the closet, as far has you're concerned; and you don't have to remain in a relationship. Just don't use his being "gay" against him. If you happen to be "bisexual" yourself. You're two of a kind. So for the time being, it just may be possible that he loves you.
You're talking marriage and family. How would a straight man know when you're going to decide you might prefer a woman? How would you know when that desire may overcome you within your marriage? If you kept it secret, you'd be doing the same thing as your boyfriend. Worse, you'd be legally bound to the man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014): "Is he gay?"
Probably.
"Is he bisexual?"
Possibly, but I suspect it's more likely that he's a deeply-closeted gay hoping that an opposite-sex relationship will provide an escape or a cure. I know several middle-aged and older gay guys who got married and had children (in that order) who are now divorced and out of the closet and all can testify that getting married and having children (in that order) did not make gay go away.
"He too, has been looking for a long term relationship with children and marriage."
If a forty-five-year-old male who hasn't been married or had children now has a pregnant twenty-one-year-old girlfriend then that suggests not only is he a closet case in denial, but he's also an aging male who wants to show the world he's still attractive, studly and virile. I know several middle-aged and older gay guys who have twenty-year-old boyfriends.
"but I don't want to legally bind myself to a gay individual for obvious reasons."
And your "obvious reasons" are . . . ? In any event given that "a gay individual" is about to become the co-parent of your minor child for the next eighteen years I would consider yourself legally bound to him.
"I don't even know how to approach the subject without getting him on the defensive."
There is no way for you to approach the subject without getting him on the defensive. Otherwise, he'd be open about his sexuality.
Random question: Is/was your bio-father in the picture or did you have a strong male role model in your life growing up? Your "being swept off [your] 21-year-old feet" and expressed desire for "your typically american pie family" suggests to me that you may be child of an absent/distant father and/or broken/dysfunctional family, and your relationship seems to be one of mutual co-dependency based on mutual wish fulfillment.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 May 2014):
 As for how to approach the subject, how about this, "Frank, my lovely and sexy awesome lover of a year and a half and the father of our baby. I have a question that is perplexing me. It's about the internet history on google. Which shows you have a lot of interest in gay porn. Which I can get, I was with women before and effeminate men too, not to say that all gay men are effeminate of course, that wasn't what I way saying. I'm just a bit, well, wondering, if you may be bisexual and just haven't gotten around to telling me?"
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 May 2014):
You say that he's very masculine and energetic. You were 'swept off' your 21 year old feet. You've always wanted your 'typically american pie family.' Was that vision of the 'typically american pie family ' vision inclusive or exclusive of your 'typical choice in partners'?
He sounds as though he has ticked all the boxes in your personal 'must have' list. He's still masculine and energetic, no? You're having a child, no? He's fiscally stable and very sexually active, no?
So if he has some exotic interest in porn, what impact has that had on your relationship?
Did you discuss porn before you moved in and got pregnant?
Did you discuss your earlier preference for "more sensitive and effeminate guys, or just women all together"?
Did you discuss any of this before you got swept off your 21 year old feet?
No?
" I don't have problems with either of these types of people, but I don't want to legally bind myself to a gay individual for obvious reasons" Newsflash. You have bound yourself to a guy you don't know very well by having a baby with him.
"These types of people" "gay individual".... "sensitive and effeminate guys, or just women all together"... what do any of those terms mean? Your terminology and comments sound, well, odd for a 21 year old who says things like "my typical choice in partners" which would suggest you have some past that was atypical enough to be compared to a typical sort. Whatever that means.
Anyway, you're intimate enough to have a baby with the man, you should be able to have a frank and honest and calm and loving talk with him about his sexual desires, don't you think? Stop being coy and suspicious and ASK the man about his tastes in porn. Because what he's watching may have very little to do with what he actually wants. But you'll never know until you do the grown up adult, about to have a baby with a guy you obviously don't know that well, conversation thing and talk to him about it.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (31 May 2014):
 You make this statement earlier on in your post;
"I typically go for more sensitive and effeminate guys, or just women all together"
Are you also bi-curious/bi-sexual? If this is the case, why are you so concerned if your partner might be too?
This might help clarify your question.
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