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anonymous
writes: I have been having a relationship with a guy for the past 6 months and we get on really well - better than I've ever got on with someone before.We met through an introduction agency and are both looking for a long term committed relationship.However in converstaion I was discussing getting a lodger for financial reasons but said I was unsure about sharing my house with someone (I have happily lived alone for 5 years), he asked me if that included him, hypothetically, moving in.This scared me and I'm not sure if I should give things more time before comitting fully or whether this is an indication that he is not the right person for me.What do you think? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Ellen, writes (19 February 2005): Quite possibly he mentioned the subject because you mentioned it first. You stated a problem and he had a way to solve it. Thats a natural reaction for a man. It could be just that it was his way of trying to show care and concern. I am sure it wasn't intended to make you uncomfortable. Any normal person would realize that six months is way too soon to move in together. The first six months is always the best. We always put our best foot forward in a realtionship. You need to wait around to see what life is like when its not so perfect. All the little habits will start to come out. Its much easier to adjust to them if you have some space of your own. Best wishes
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 February 2005):
 Six months after meeting someone isn't really a very long time. I'm not that surprised that you felt a little nervous that he brought this up.There's probably quite a lot that you don't yet know about this guy - how often he changes his socks, whether he lets the dishes moulder before he does the washing up, if he lets the dog sleep under the blankets etc - and finding all the grubby details about any person AFTER they've moved in is about the worst way I can imagine.Take a lot of time with this kind of decision. You say that you and he get along very well, which is a start, but if you're not comfortable with his hinting, don't feel you have to give in, just so you don't rock the boat! Moving in together before both of you are ready to commit to that idea is one sure-fire way to kill off a nice relationship.On a positive note, the fact that he's asked this as a hypothetical probably indicates that he has tried to imagine what it would be like to live with you. That might be fairly flattering. (Of course, me being a crotchety old cynic, I would also wonder if he was looking at you as a potential "meal ticket", but that's just me.)My suggested answer to his unasked question would be something along the lines of "Well, let's not rule it out... but it's a bit early to be discussing things like that, don't you think?" said with a smile. Just let him know that you're not saying it's impossible, just not possible right NOW.My final point is, just because someone likes you doesn't mean that they are "the right person" for you. Lots of people would probably love to move in with you, but that doesn't make them ideal as lovers, or even guests. Just promise yourself that you won't make any changes that you're not completely comfortable with, and that you won't agree to any action that ONLY pleases another person, and you should come out fine.Good luck!-B
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