A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please, please, can anyone tell me why my male friend never, ever talks about his girlfriend with me? We have been good friends for 2 years. He started seeing her in April. He did not tell me about it. I had to pull it out of him otherwise he was never going to tell me. He never mentions her. It is as if she is not part of his life.I don't get it!!! Why is he doing this? I mention her and he changes the subject. I asked him if she likes to go to the movies. He answered yes and changed the subject. He always tells me his plans for the weekends and they never include her. He says he is going to such and such a place with so and so and he never mentions her. He talks about how on Friday nights he is all alone. He always talks about how he is going to a movie or a concert and never that they are going to a movie or concert. Why all the secrecy and avoidance? I'd love to also hear the guy's opinions...We are close and there is an attraction between us if that helps... But still, why is she such a big secret? Honestly, it is as if she is not even part of his life. Wouldn't you think he would mention her at all, especially since this relationship is in the starting stages, and this is the most exciting time?He texts me, advises me on personal situations in my life, is helping me get through my divorce, is supportive and listens to my problems. He always asks what I am doing on the weekend and who I am going out with. He always shows interest in my children and asks about them. I called him a nice person and he said that means a lot coming from me. He is always complimenting me, telling me I look nice, he likes what I am wearing or my perfume. He flirts with me and it includes sexual innuendo... We are both very physically attractive people and there is definitely some physical and emotional chemistry between us.What is his deal???? Why is he doing this? Isn't he supposed to be off the market??? As you can imagine, it's all pretty confusing to me.How should I handle this? We are friends but I also don't want to be the other woman and I don't want to get hurt.Any help would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): The answer is simple, OP.
He has feelings for you. Otherwise he would be mentioning her and talking about her. If a guy is really into a girl, he will be talking about her, not keeping her a secret. The fact he goes out of his way not to mention his girlfriend means he wants to keep his options open with you.
BUT, you need to be careful. Even though he doesn't mention her to you, he is STILL in a relationship with her. You have to remember this. Yes, like the other poster said, be smart about it.
He would be fine with you being the other woman. But do you want that? I can tell you that it would bring you a world of pain. You say you are going through a divorce. You are probably going through a very emotional time. I would concentrate on healing myself and not looking to this man for support anymore. He is not a true friend. He has a hidden agenda. I think he is looking to gain from your vulnerability. I know it's pathetic but some guys are really good at this.
He is being disrespectful both to you AND his girlfriend. He seems to be too self involved or afraid of commitment. Some guys have too much baggage and are forever playing the field. I think that if he is hiding her from you, it shows what he is capable of if he ever got into a relationship with you. I think there is a good chance you would also become a "secret" when the next girl comes along.
He will have to take the mature route and decide who he wants to be with. Right now he is playing both sides of the fence. And you are making it easy for him because you are readily available and flirting with him etc. So he does not feel a need to choose because he has the best of both worlds right now.
Maybe what you need to do is step away from him for awhile. See if he comes after you. If he really did care about you, he would do that. Until then, it's all just game playing and fun.
You give someone permission to treat you this way. I can understand as a divorced person myself that you feel lonely and are looking for some comfort. Try to find that comfort within yourself, your family and true friends.
We all know that if a guy has not made any advances to ask you out or move forward with you, he is just playing games. I know this is not what you want to hear. But he has to step it up or it will be up to you to end this "friendship." You are only getting yourself in deeper and this is not what you need at this time in your life. Can you continue being friends with him feeling the way you do? Can you continue allowing him to lead you on? I see this as very self destructive behaviour.
Another possibility is he is waiting until you are free from your marriage. Maybe he is afraid you will go back to your husband? Maybe he is afraid you are not relationship material because you are just getting out of a marriage? Most people do not want a serious commitment at this stage. He could be having some doubts about your availability and is playing it cool. And this girlfriend he has could just be a "for now" girlfriend, not a forever girlfriend. Some guys just kill time with a girl they may like enough to have sex with but they are not serious about her or have any plans to be with her long term. He could be in this situation. He may be keeping her around until you are free and clear. Still not fair to her. But it could be a possibility.
He seems to be emotionally connected to you if you are sharing all of this intimate information together and he is there to help you through your divorce. Most guys don't get in this deep with a woman unless they care about her. But again, be cautious as to what his REAL MOTIVES could be. Are they to be with you because he truly cares or because he is trying to get into your pants?
This is the age old question we women must deal with when it comes to men!!!! It sucks, I know!!!
Ever thought about talking to him and being honest?
It's your call, OP. It is a tough one.
Maybe you could just wait it out and see what happens. If it is meant to be, it will happen... but try not to get yourself more emotionally involved. Try to keep cool if you can. Hard for us women but it can be done.
Just focus on getting through your divorce and rebuilding your life. Time will tell.
Take Care.
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 This my dear is called a love triangle. He doesn't want to talk about his girlfriend because then she becomes VERY real and by talking about her to you, it officially takes him off the market and he is no longer open to you...so to speak. It's all very immature actually and I do feel very sorry for the girlfriend. Chances are he does go out with her and interacts with her like he should. But you don't need to know that because then there is no potential for you to be a back up chick in case anything goes wrong. As much as you guys are close and the friendship is so wonderful...you're on a "just in case" string. It's that simple. All the flirting and sexual innuendos etc...is just to keep you sweet..."just in case". What you need to do is establish for yourself..."what do I want from this interaction?" Do I want a relationship? Am I that attracted to him that I want to be committed to him? Can he even be in a truly committed relationship? All these things you need to get straight in your head before you go any further and get all tied up and mistaken about what he is doing.Draw a line...a very clear line. If he has a girlfriend...he has a girlfriend. Back off, stop encouraging the flirting...you know you are because you are attracted to him and enjoy it.....so no longer encourage it. Give the girlfriend the respect that she deserves being his girlfriend. Let him know what the deal is...you have a girlfriend, behave like a committed boyfriend and let's keep this platonic.If you choose to come clean and tell him how you feel about it etc....then be prepared for the backlash of an angry ex girlfriend if he chooses to be with you.Just remember, what goes around comes around. If he could do this with someone who is his official girlfriend...and maybe you in the future become his girlfriend...will he do the same?Think carefully, respect yourself and respect other people. Be smart about it.
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