A
female
age
,
*armella
writes:I've been with a man 4 years who's not divored. He is 50. Him and his ex-wife (she's with a man 5 years) can't seem to let go. They talk on their phones behind my back and won't stop and it hurts me. I have expressed anger and upset but it continues. They also won't divorce but they have never gotten back together - it's 15 years now! Should I contact and meet with her to get to the bottom of this? I'm so fed up I could scream! I want to get married and not waste my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): I hate to hear of woman going through this as I have.
Six years and we have not even been able to live together because he won't sell his house and I can't live there, because he feels too uncomfortable, it was THEIR HOUSE.
I know someone who has been crazy enough to put up with her man for eight years, not being able to end contact with his ex (no kids).
I want to scream to every woman. If you see signs he is attached to his ex-wife....run, run away as fast as possible.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): Hi wow!I just read your comment it hurts so much when you in this type of situation. I just wanted to comment its not US being immature. Have you ever heard of 'the back burner syndrome" in relationships. Well this is what we are going through. They want to hang on to each other but they wont live together and have other partners. If he was alone, she would not bother much with him, but when hes with someone she gets involved- its a big game that they both play. I would love to met the man shes with, hes never married either- they have lived together for 5 years now. From what I understand (she told me more than one time in an email to me) she will never take him back because hes an alcoholic, but he also cheated on her alot-. I tried to make he understand that he killed all the love when he did that from her side. And something else whenever we get involved to see one of his kids (one plays ball he is 26)- and she shows up and sits elsewhere, someone stirs trouble about us to his kids. I thought it was her but I think its his father. Another time we took his other son and wife and child to a xmas dinner and paid and the next day lies were being spread that we acted like idiots etc and its all lies. I feel the best thing to do is leave this man. He told me he will never divorce and he doesnt seem to care that I want to get married before my mom dies - how important that is to me.
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A
female
reader, JDxxx  +, writes (26 July 2012):
Dear Carmella, you are very welcome! :o)Sadly, it seems that you have more than 2 battles on your hands. I would never have said this until recently, but it is as it is he is married, plain and simple. I too have battled with what 'separated' means in his eyes and the excuses: 'Why waste money on a divorce, I don't want to get married again' (I respect that and he knows I do not wish to re-marry anyhow) BUT, he is keeping her in the loop, for friendship and security and when we argue ( which is only about her calling and him helping her) they cannot and will not let go, ever. Its very painful to be told that from someone you love and someone who loves you too So, can you, will you accept this..forever? I was asked to accept the situation and I cannot and 6months ago we discussed about moving in together, but while he's checking up on her and she's calling..no way!You say your partner is an alcoholic . I am sorry for this also, I was married to an alcoholic for 19yrs, this is very painful especially with children. I expect you have been his drinking partner, his worst enemy, the only person who understands him, have suffered financially, lied to your friends and made excuses for him..for what? He will still go to her for emotional support, we both know it. Thats not love, thats us being insecure ( though I know you do love him, thats different)Should you tell her guy? Well.. I did a similar thing 3yrs ago, only she has no partner and won't move on. I went to her mother, gave her everything that he'd given me. Every email over the years, photos, gifts and told her the works asking her to forward it to his 'separated' wife so she would know what kind of man he was. I was hurting so bad, I was immature, maybe I wanted revenge to make him see what he was doing to me. Where did it get me? Even a couple of weeks ago he asked that I write to the 'wife' and her mother for turning up that day. Although he has forgiven me 100% and understands why I did it ( he went no contact on me for 15 months after this) because of what I did and in hurting 'them',I will not be truly forgiven (because of their 'bond') therefore I will never be able to move on with this man.
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A
female
reader, Carmella +, writes (25 July 2012):
Carmella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like comments from people at leat over 35. Someone 20 or so has no clue about real life to judge this situation properly thank you!!
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A
female
reader, Carmella +, writes (25 July 2012):
Carmella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you JDxxx! Wow it really hurts doesnt it. But did u and him ever live together. We lived together twice. The first time she and him and other issues broke us up and I left. We got back together after he went into rehab (hes an alcoholic see). As soon as he got out the first thing he did was call her up and she was sending his resumes around (and here I had a computer and his disc, it really hurt me.)...NOw I am figuring to contact her man and play fire with fire. So they will know what it feels like. It seems they want their cake and to eat it too right. Just last month he said I should 'walk away" and then last week he said hes 'be with me all the time if he could". Hes now in a situation he lives with his ailing father whose very difficult and controlling. His father has been trying to break us up too, but this is usual in their family, they dont seem to like anyone from the outside..........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): I hear and understand you loud and clear Armella.. I'm going through a simlar thing, only my partner has chosen his friendship with his separated wife over our 4yr relationship! How many times have you scoured the internet looking for answers hoping to find just...something? They have a 'bond' he says (no children) which is wierd and he feels responsible as he's her only friend. I will say this, in the near 4yrs we have been dating ( and I've known him for 11yrs) not once have I invited him to my home ( I am divorced with 3 older children at home) until he gets a divorce which isn't going to happen. Last week, he told me he calls her every 3 or 4 days to catch up and from Feb 2011 to May this year he would stay on her driveway in his motorhome as she bought a new house which he has built a kitchen, conservatory and lawd knows what, staying there sometimes weeks at a time. He'd call me before 8am then after 11pm to say goodnight. She calls whenever she needs help with something...last month it was her PC...
I'd love to hear from you personally, but I'm unsure how I can on here. Best of luck JDxxx
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A
female
reader, Carmella +, writes (22 July 2012):
Carmella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advise! We were very much in love and I believed what he told me in the beginning that he was not in love with her anymore. I recall Id catch him making short calls to her ("I got my tooth pulled today" and stuff like that, that I found very odd after not being together 15 years. I never knew they talked on their cells but I did see her 3 numbers on his cell. I just assumed it was for updates on the kids. But see hes not close to his kids. It was his 51st bday yesterday and I tried to call him once and the line was busy. So today I saw him and he told me she called to wish him a happy bday. I was thinking wow my ex from 12 years ago I would not even remember his bday nor would I call him, but people always try to say its cause of the kids. I was told by him and her they wont stop talking to each other. I also notice he seems to respect her more than me and cares more about her feelings. Also has nothing bad to ever say about her. But shes in the game too-she must know shes overstepping her boundaries. One of the times we broke up she kept emailing me to see if I was okay (it was not him) as I was very upset about the calls and the two of them but I never find out a th ing about whats going on with them. He al so has made ses co mments about her and im thinking god after 15 y ears??? but other times he says they are just 'friends'...
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A
female
reader, jinxx +, writes (21 July 2012):
 By staying with this man, you are wasting your life! It has been 4 years now, and he's been talking to his wife behind your back this entire time.
If a marriage with you hasn't entered his mind yet, I'm afraid it's probably never going to. He's obviously still dedicated to his wife, and she to him. Why they are separated makes no sense to me.
If I were you I'd use your anger and pain as motivation to leave. If you can't get respect from a man you've been with for 4 years, you're wasting your time. Find someone who will actually commit to you, and bring happiness into your life. Forget this guy.
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A
female
reader, Carmella +, writes (21 July 2012):
Carmella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to let u know he knows very well I was to get married, I was never married. Hes known this from the start..! But he also has a family that anyone who enters they try to stir shit on them and make them look bad. So I also have all that stress to deal with too.......they are trying to breakup his son and wife..........
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A
female
reader, Carmella +, writes (21 July 2012):
Carmella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were engaged twice in 4 years. He told me when I met him that he didnt love her and he could not wait to leave and he was the one who did leave her. But they would talk on their cells when Im not around. Everything is hush hush in the family I get no answers. I did email the exwife and s he stated she has moved on and is happier now. But see the situation is they were together since age 16- pregnancy etc- but neither of them had friends so they use each other as friends for advise and they see nothing wrong with this behaviour. I have even asked her many times to cut back the calls- his sons are al l grown up the youngest is 26 now- She uses the excuse she calls cause of the kids but its not true- they give each other advise. Also he re cently told me he wishes he was with her (this if the first time he ever ever made this statement to me).......its cause he had a happier life and was younger then, had a big job etc. She and he also broke up t he other relationshuip he had with a woman whose a nurse for 5 years, they even planned a baby together but he would not marry her. She also got into fights about the s ame thing- they wont stop talking and it appears its a big game. Yes I have thought of contacting her man of 6 years imagine how he would feel..........I also think its all about the money..........the most hurtful event was when i was with him at his dads in march his mom died middle of the night. The first person called was HER not his brother who lives alot closer. THey want her to co me drie them to hospital (none of us have a car but the dad does but was too upset). She came and I was told to stay put as I was'not immediate family"..........its the father who stated this. I was ripping mad and said to myself if she has the nerve to come up here after im scream at her.....thats certainly overstepping her boundaries. Later she told dave she shoudl not have taken them there were other poeple who could have driven them...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Contacting her won’t do any good. She’s not your problem. He is. If you want to get married and not waste your life you need to get rid of this man. He’s married. I can understand a divorce taking time.. my first one took a long time but as soon as he met a woman he wanted to marry…. Poof we were divorced.
I can say it over and over and over again… MEN will move HEAVEN and EARTH for a woman they love…. If they don’t do what you think they should do, they in most cases, they don’t love you like you need them to. He’s made it clear after 15 years of being apart that he’s FINE with his life the way it is…
My third husband and I talked on the phone the other day… we are divorced and he’s remarried… we don’t hide from our partners that we are talking to former spouses… the hiding of his activities says a lot…
I’m truly thinking if you want to not waste your life and you want to get married that you need to find a different man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2012):
 She is NOT his ex-wife, she is still technically his WIFE. Honestly, you have been with him for 4 years and he hasn't had the decency to respect you enough to cut down on the chatter with his "ex" - you really think there is anything you can do that will make him start respecting you now?
I seriously doubt he will get the divorce and marry you.. Sorry :(
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (20 July 2012):
 i think that its very weird that they have not divorced after 15 years. that means that legally she is not his ex-wife but more accurately his wife.
he needs to divorce her.
how have you tolerated this ridiculous situation for 4 years i dont know, to me if someone cannot properly split from their previous partner i would not settle down with them as i would feel they were not serious about a new relationship.
have you tried asking him to get divorced? does he respect you or even want to marry you?
maybe try (if all else fails) to contact her boyfriend and ask him how he feels as he and you both have a vested interest in getting these two divorced
for me though i find this quite disrespectful on his part.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): "Should I contact and meet with her to get to the bottom of this?"
What good would that do? She's not your problem, he is and he's the one who needs to sort this out but isn't.
Have you told him you'd like to get married? What does he say? Would it be enough for you for them to get divorced or do you want her completely out of his life, because she's always going to be a part of his life OP. If you can't handle that then move on.
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