A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Going to cut a long story short...Me and my partner broke up because he thought he liked someone else so I ended things. Me leaving made him realise he wanted me and after some time I decided to give him a chance to redeem himself. However there's a girl who he was messaging and talks to quite regularly and was telling him to dump me and go for it with this other girl and how cute they would be together (him and the girl he liked) etc etc so I've told him to delete her and stop talking to her but he says she's a friend and I'm being unreasonable. Am I? I don't think I am but looking for some clarification. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (2 August 2017):
 Sorry but I had to re read your age when I read this. I assume he is around the same age because this reads like a high school drama. Honey, he needs to grow a set and start acting like your bf and needs to grow a brain. How has he redeemed himself by calling this unreasonable-what a turd.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2017): NO, you are not being unreasonable at all.
You have done nothing wrong, sweetie.
The problem is not you. It's your weak, pathetic and disloyal, poor excuse of a boyfriend.
He should be the one who has enough sense to disassociate himself from anyone or anything that poses a threat to your relationship! The fact he can't figure that out on his own means you aren't important enough to him to take your feelings into consideration.
It's so obvious.
It's your choice what to do next. You don't have to put up with somebody who does not respect your feelings and your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 August 2017):
 He shouldn't be allowing her to tell him to date someone else. However, if he hasn't cheated on you with her, you have no right to tell him who he can and can't talk to.
How do you know what they talk about?
I think you have the beginning of jealousy and control issues. That will sabotage any relationship you have. I don't think you're a good fit for each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Nothing makes a relationship more insecure than when you actually know the person you like is into somebody else. To top it off, he's got a cheerleader on the sidelines cheering for the other girl in the game. She happens to be on the opposing team.
Girlfriend, you're competing for a guy who can't make up his mind; which means boyfriend-drama with all the trimmings. The other girl apparently dumped him because of you, and you took him back because of her. This is also a teenage after-school drama.
You should be looking for man, not a boy. Oh, but you have to grow-up first. You should have out-grown this nonsense at the age of 21.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 August 2017):
 So, you broke up with him because he was interested in another girl? How did you find that out?
So, he realized that he wanted to stay with you, so you got back together with him. You say "give him a chance to redeem himself". What was his crime, if he hadn't cheated on you?
Finally, he's messaging with a girl who told him to dump you and go after this other girl. HOW do you know about the messages??
That's my real question here:
1. How did you know he liked someone else?
2. What was he supposed to redeem?
3. How did you know that a friend of his was urging him to not date you??
I'll say this right here and now:
He's not the only one who has some "redeeming" to do here. When two people get together, it doesn't mean that you're automatically obligated to surrender your privacy and passwords to another person. That's called "SNOOPING", and that's every bit as destroying of trust as anything else. I've broken up with people who snooped on me, and I've never been a cheater in my life.
You can't tell your boyfriend who to be friends with. Yes, you can tell him that he needs to choose if there's someone else in the picture and he likes you both, but telling him to drop his friends and delete them? That's not cool. What if he started doing that to you?
Also, you shouldn't be on his phone or computer, rifling through his messages and interrogating him like that. You are out of line in doing that. You have trust issues?? Those are YOUR issues, not HIS issues.
A guy is going to cheat no matter whether you are obsessively snooping or surveilling or accusing or whether you aren't, if he's a cheater.
However, if a guy is a GOOD person who doesn't cheat, he won't stand for snooping, and you'll destroy a perfectly good relationship with trust issues and snooping and being controlling.
Finally, you don't dump someone in order to get them to "redeem" themselves. You dump someone if you plan on never getting back with them ever again. Breaking up is a NUCLEAR EVENT, not one to teach someone a lesson and get them to do what you want. That's called MANIPULATION and good guys won't stand for it no matter how much they like you.
Honeypie is right that if this guy lets friends of his rip into you at will, then he's not sold on you and you should move on. You both sound like 14-year olds, to be honest, and I've talked to 14-year olds on here who act more mature about this sort of thing.
If you leave him, the one to do the deleting is YOU. The first time you dumped him, you stayed in contact with him. If you leave him this time, it's time to MEAN it and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): When did said female friend come into his life before you or when you split .. being honest it doesn't matter which .. which does matter is that he tells her straight up this kinda of talk is disrespectful to his partner aka you .. that she can have her thoughts and opinions but doesn't mean .. he wishes to hear them all the time . So end of .. now if he says that and she continues on the same lines . You have every right to say ; look she is still disrespectful to us .. you need to break from her .. as would he tolerate a guy telling you same .. maybe you should try it and see what he says or does ..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2017):
 Had had to recheck you age. This sounds like something TEENS are all about.
While I don't think a GF/BF needs to dictate whom their partner can be friends with, in this case, your BF is CHOOSING the keep this girl and HER drama in your relationship.
I have to ask HOW do you know that she is telling your BF this? Is he showing you the conversations? Or is he relaying the message verbally?
If it's the first, then you know it's HER stirring the pot.
If it's the second, you don't. That might just be your BF trying to make you feel insecure.
OR do you know because you went through his phone?
If it's because you went through his phone then this relationship is really over, there is NO trust and without trust... nothing else works.
If he has decided that THIS friend is more important than you, then WHY are you with him? Why have this drama in your life over a guy who already PROVED to be fickle? Who came crawling back because the other girl didn't want him after all...
You can't MAKE him give up that friend. You are not his MOM. IF he can't see how ridiculous it is to KEEP this friend around then END it for good WITH him. LEt him have his drama llama "friends". And you can move on to a more MATURE guy and MATURE relationship instead of this teenage drama.
Demanding he stops talking to her makes you look controlling (and it IS controlling) no matter how big of a twat she is towards you.
A relationship is not about trying to manage WHO your partner can be friends with or not. If they have shitty friends that are PART of who they are. If these friends and their opinions mean more than the partner... THEN walk away. HE is OK with her being an ass to you. Totally OK. Because it makes you on edge. I make YOU feel like YOU are the one who isn't good enough now. WHO wants to feel like that?!
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