A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:His feelings are "complicated," and I'm heartbroken. What should I do? I dated an older guy for 6 months. I'm 38; he's 60. He told me we were made for each other and he didn’t know sex could be as special as it was with me. He sent sweet text messages. He wanted to be exclusive and suggested early on we spent our entire weekends together. We went to France for a week in May, and I had dinner with him and his parents several times and met his 3 grown children.The last few weeks he grew distant. At first, he didn't text as often. He went to Colorado to see his brother, and afterward, didn't text me for 2 days. I sent him a text, asking if he was ok and telling him I missed hearing from him. He texted 3 hours later, saying he had not been sleeping well and was exhausted from the trip. After that, he stopped texting. I sent him a Facebook message a couple of days later, asking if I had done anything to offend him, and he replied the next day, saying I had not; he had "just been having to sort through some things." We are still FB friends, and he occasionally clicks that he "likes" my links and photos. A few days ago, he forwarded a cute e-mail to me. I saw him Saturday night at a musical event in town, but we didn't speak. My girlfriends said they thought he didn't look happy. Some things to know: --- Again, not some 20-something player. He is losing his hair and uses Cialis. (Doesn't matter to me.) He told me I'd have to be patient about sex at first. He said he had to get past emotional blocks from his previous marriage (his wife neglected him sexually for the last year because she was cheating on him). He said it had nothing to do with his feelings about me, just baggage he was trying to work through, but he hadn't ever really had a situation where he had the opportunity for sex. I was patient. We worked through it, and the sex was wonderful. --- He was very sweet for a long time. He told me he didn't really believe in fate but Sometimes, though, he'd "like to . . . for instance, where I was concerned." --- He said he thought his marriage fell apart and probably led to his wife seeing someone else because he took her for granted after their 3 children were born. He focused more on them--or that's how she felt. He said he was wary of relationships after being married for 19 years. --- When we first got together, I told him about my paranoia about heartbreak because of a previous relationship when someone stopped responding to me and shut me out of his life. He said, "Don't be paranoid. No need... I'm not the heartbreaking type. I'm usually on the other end of that." After ignoring him for a few days, I received an e-mail from him at 12:15 a.m. this morning. A break-up letter? His feelings are “complicated.”Here's the e-mail:"I don't know what the right forum is for this, or whether it is just better to say nothing at all, but my feelings about my relationship with you are complicated. I'm not seeing anyone else, and that's not an issue, and I'm not upset about anything that you've done, but I began to examine what was going on between us, and it seemed clear to me that you were bringing a lot more emotion and passion into the relationship than I was. This wasn't anything intentionally deceitful on my part, it just was the emotional hand I was dealt. But, I began to feel a little uncomfortable with this, maybe a crisis of conscience, but it didn't really seem fair or right to you."As I'm writing this, I think maybe I need to have my head examined, for you're a beautiful lady, smart, interesting, we have so many things in common -- I couldn't go to the drawing board and some up with a more ideal woman. And the sex -- that's been pretty incredible. The time I have spent with you has been wonderful. "But, something was missing for me. Why, I don't know. I'm not sure I can explain the reasons. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I hadn't really had a real relationship in 15 years and the thought of it still kinda scares the hell out of me, if I'd kinda gotten set in my ways during this time, if it's that I was having a hard time opening after my divorce (I know I have a problem with this; defense mechanism, I guess). It's certainly nothing you did or didn't do. All I know is this is what I'm feeling, and it has been troubling me."I certainly don't relish hurting you -- I'm sorry about that -- but I haven't really known how to address this issue, and I didn't think things needed to go on as they were. I guess maybe it would be better to address these issues in person, rather than by e-mail, but I'm not sure I could remember all this if we were talking in person and things got emotional. I told you this was complicated; at least it is for me. I don't know whether addressing these issues like this makes you feel better or worse, but I'm hoping trying to explain things will be better in the long run. I do think you are a special person." I don’t know how to respond,or if I should. What should I do?By the way, the middle of the day today, he sent me another e-mail and said, "For what it's worth, you did look beautiful Saturday night."
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (21 August 2012):
He is from a different time. You have not been played. He has not broken up with you. I have a feeling that you could continue to have something together as long as you are willing to take things slowly for awhile.
He is essentially warning you that if you choose to continue in any sort of relationship with him, he will probably not be able to give you the same level of emotional attentiveness that you give him. He knows this is not fair to you which is why he sent you the email. He does care for you. You need to decide if you can overlook his emotional insecurity. At his age, there is a possibility that he could remain that way for the rest of his life. That is what his email is about...you have to decide whether you could live with this or if you feel moving on is better for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): I am in agreement with Aunty BimBim. Dont respond and dont contact him. He is trying to let you down "as sofly as possible". If I had to sum up in a nutshell, his email says he does not have feelings for your the way you have strong emotions for him.
You deserve better, continue to hang out with your friends and enjoy your life, dont give him teh satisfaction of knowing that he has hurt. The best way to get even is show that you can be hppy without him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 I am trying not to be too blunt or too hurtful but you have been played by this man, played like a fiddle and he is still manipulating your feelings for him, being so nice, the old its not you, its me routine, and when it got no response the follow up, you looked lovely.
He has you hooked in. I can't remember exactly what I replied to your previous question about this situation, but I know in my waters this man is done with you, and he is now withdrawing from whatever existed between you, but making sure he is nice as pie while he does it, he knows that as long as he tells you how lovely you look, and how wonderful you are etc etc you can't call him out for being the bastard he is.
Don't respond, be polite if you can't avoid him in public without being obvious, turn the tables on him, let him know by your actions he was but a momentary diversion while you were going through the processes of your divorce.
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