A
female
age
36-40,
*lmighty_princess
writes:Dear Cupid, My boyfriend proposed to me a month ago and since then, our relationship has gone down-hill. It started end of last yr when he found out his mother wanted to migrate to live with someone she fell in love with overseas and wanted to take his 10yr old sister with her. He was very depressed and stopped being the person I fell in love with. He neglected his looks, put on alot of weight, even stopped looking at himself in the mirror when people commented about his weight, he got lazy in his job and stopped paying much attention to me. I do love him now but I am not sure if I love him the same. That intense feeling is gone, now I feel love mixed with "what is he going to do without me now that he is all alone"? I know it is bad when you start pitying your partner but I really do not know what to do. Because of him, I have developed a very bad temper and low tolerance for anything as he doesnt use his initiative most of the time and also seems to be less intelligent when talking or making decisions. I feel like I am much smarter than him and that we are no longer equals anymore. I do not know why he is like this and I have told him since last yr to change and he keeps telling me he will and he has but nothing is changed. When i give him advise he merely shrugs it off and tells me that I just think I'm way above him and perhaps there is some truth in it. I do not like the way he looks, his job, and now he is even more depressed because his mother and sister have migrated recently. What do I do? We had plans to get married in 2 yrs time, life plans, life decisions but now I feel I am a woman putting up with a teenage boy although he is a yr older. Pls advise me as I do not know if the problem lies with him or me. I was much more patient with my ex boyfriends who were jerks and I know my fiance loves me very much but I do not know why I lose my temper with him all the time.
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female
reader, almighty_princess +, writes (25 July 2007):
almighty_princess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Laura,
Thank you very much for your reply. His father is deceased and this wld be his mother's 3rd marriage. I keep hoping things wld get better but its been more than 6-7 mths now tht he is like that and now he's also complaining abt his job. At times I feel like we can make it and at time I feel like I will slip away from him. Sometimes I really do feel I love him less. I do not know if I actually do love him less or its just disappointment talking. When we fight and I yell at him, then when I look at him I feel so sorry tht I'm being like this towards him and tht I shld be comforting him.
Is this a very thin line to pity?
A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (19 July 2007):
Hi there,
If you loved him as he was before all this happened, then it’s worth trying to help him, because this isn’t the normal him. You said it in your question – he is depressed. Weight gain, not caring about himself, no initiative – you are describing all the symptoms of depression. Obviously his family leaving has been a big problem for him. You don’t mention his dad – is he around to help? Try to get him to see his doctor and get some help. It should only be for the short term while he gets back on his feet again. Whilst this is happening, you will have to be the supportive one for a while, but it will pass.
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