A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I will be getting married this summer. Our relationship is great and, I believe, we have done an amazing job of combining our immediate families. (we both have children from previous relationships.) The problem is his narcissistic ex-wife. She has caused so many problems in our relationship so far-- Such as making false accusations of child abuse against both of us (still in court about this!), causing scenes in front of the children, telling the chidren that Daddy doesn't love them anymore because he can't love them and his "new" (mine) kids at the same time, telling the children that they don't need to listen to me because I am not thier Mother, grilling them for information about what is going on in "our" home, threatening legal action everytime we don't accomodate her unrealistic demands, demands that she have free access to our house because the children live there, and actually feels that she has a right interview me to make sure it is okay for me to be around her children. This is only a partial list of crap she has done.I must add here that I have a highly respected career dealing with special needs children. I have no criminal record, am a mandated child abuse reporter, and have extensive training in early childhood behaviors and development. In addition, as noted above, I am a mother too... so parenting is not a new thing to me. I certainly feel that I am qualified to be around 'her' children. Unfortunately this means absolutely nothing to her. My question is... How am I supposed to deal with her?! Up until now, I have basically ignored her and refused to play her games, but the games she plays are something we constantly have to attend to because of the emotional damage she is causing her own children. They are only 9 and 6 years old! They are angry, torn in too many directions, and confused, and I have to admit so are my fiance and myself. Sometimes I fantasize that she will be killed in a car accident just so we can be rid of her constant barrage of crap! I am getting so frustrated that I feel like I am going to loose my cool and tell her exactly what I think of her! I DO realize that this is exactly what she wants; it would not be good for the children to have both sides of thier families out of control. I just need advice on what to do next. Ignoring her is not doing a damn thing for us.Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): hiya i feel for you so much and i know ecactly how hard it is to deal with a partners deranged physco ex!!!me and my husband have been together for 7 years now and there has only been the odd day here and there where she has not caused a problem, there marriage was over before me and him met but they were still living in the same house (he was down stairs her upstairs she was in he was out etc) but since the day he moved in with me i have be branded as a marriage wrecker she told there 2 girls that daddy didnt love them any more as he had a new baby (mine!)she changed phone numbers and after a few months when he wouldnt give up trying to contact them she moved from engalnd to scotland and not a single solister would take on the case for him to gain visiting writes becuase scotish law is diffrent to english and becuase a english solister can not act in a scotish court, weve had her smash the window screen on our car run up to my hubby and throw a scoulding hot drink over him in the street throw a bowling ball at him from up stairs window and constantly phone his family making out what a complete idiot (didnt want to be to rude!! and saying his a terrible father) well after 6 years his eldest hit 16 and decided she wanted to meet me and my littlen and start a frsh relationship with her father then a year on from that she is now living with us has started college and a new life away from her mum as she is now 17 we no longer hide the letters and text messages from her mum as its not fair that she has her mum constantly making out that her dad is being unreasonable, her younger sister who is 15 has also said she cant wait till her 16th birthday because as soon as she has finished school she is planning to mive in with us, morole of the story is the children turned out fine and the only person she turned the children against is her self, needless to say we still get the daily harresment and endless problems from her but after a quick whinge to each other weve forgot about and carried on with our happy marige knowing she isnt worth it! i just hope she fads away more and more as the girls continue to age!! but i spose only time can tell
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIrish. Thank you Thank You Thank You for your kind words. I am trying to do exactly what you are suggesting, but on occasion feel myself wavering. I hope that you won't mind if I print out your reply and carry it with me for those times I need a boost and a reminder that I am doing the right thing. I will use your comments as inspiration to carry on with my head held high. Bless You, your response was exactly what I needed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007): Again, I erred in my below posting. Sheesh. I refer to your fiancee as your husband. Forgive me...it's late and I need to hit the hay. lol Have a great night and try your best, to not let this woman get you down. It's tough and all I can say-is you must dearly love this man, endlessly and he's a lucky man to have you by his side. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007): Oh my...I apologize to you, dear. I totally overlooked the fact that the children are indeed, in you and your husband's custody. Thank goodness for small mercies! I have no real, constructive advice for you..just to let you know that I sympathize with your circumstance. I don't need to tell you, that this ex-wife has done did all the things she is doing, she is deeply hurt that her ex (your husband) has moved on to a much happier, loving life with you. She made a terrible mistake and will never own up to it. How utterly sad to live one's life like this! And to use her own children to lash out at you and her ex. She shouldn't try to come between the children and their father but she doesn't care. She'll do whatever it takes to cause a wedge between you and your husband, as well. The best way to get through is to keep on loving your husband and his children...and being the caring, strong person you are. And continue to always be kind, decent and a good role model to the kids, and they will always respect you and love you. It might not be anytime in the near future, but when they get old enough they will see the truth. It seems she needs some counseling for her problems and I still suggest you both document her movements, and behaviours. If she gets any nastier you will need proof to get that restraining order. I do believe in time, this ex will heal-especially as the kids get older. I sincerely hope that she gets to the point that she can have a decent co-parenting relationship with you and your husband. She may not be the most endearing person nor ever will be but the kids are so much better off when she can be with them, without tearing you two down. But, if she does this continually, she will lose those kids completely, because when they are old enough to make their own decisions as to whether they want to see her. They will take note of her toxic words in regards to their father and you...two people they love. The kids will fight back against her in their own way, someday. Believe that. But for now the best thing you can do...never, ever say a bad word to those about their Mother. Yes, it's tempting but don't! The kids will get enough crap thrown at them from her. They need your postivity, maturity and love to sustain them through some challenges that lay ahead. The best gift you can give those kids...keep loving their Dad...and give them a happy, safe place to be. Good luck and hang in there, dear. My heart is with you. Stay the course and I hope you kick some ass.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Irish... but WE already have custody of them. She sees them only when she wishes, which was inconsistant at best until she learned I was in her ex's life. Then she became, in her eyes, the perfect mother, and we became the *$$h@les. Their father and I ARE thier primary caretakers. She gave up custody when she left, and as I said, filed false allegations of child abuse against us, in an attempt to regain custody. We regained custody (after a two week gap, during which the charges were being investigated) of the children when the allegations were ruled "unfounded." We are now fighting for scheduled visitations with set pick up and drop off times. Unfortunately the court is not recognizing her behavior as damaging to the children as she is a very convincing liar. Even she believes herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Irish... but WE already have custody of them. She sees them only when she wishes, which was inconsistant at best until she learned I was in her ex's life. Then she became, in her eyes, the perfect mother, and we became the *$$h@les. Their father and I ARE thier primary caretakers. She gave up custody when she left, and as I said, filed false allegations of child abuse against us, in an attempt to regain custody. We regained custody (after a two week gap, during which the charges were being investigated) of the children when the allegations were ruled "unfounded." We are now fighting for scheduled visitations with set pick up and drop off times. Unfortunately the court is not recognizing her behavior as damaging to the children as she is a very convincing liar. Even she believes herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2007): Throughout your whole posting, all I am seeing is two innocent children being 'victimized' and that is so sad. The ex wife is being selfish, cruel and plainly has a vendetta against your fiancee, her ex husband. What I suggest is the both of you start meticulously documenting every single word she says to you both. Then after specific amount of time, you both get to a solicitor armed with all this information and take her to court and your fiancee, their father can fight for legal custody of his two children. You have no choice. Get them out of there. The emotional well-being of two kids, is at stake here. Will this cause her to slink away...nope. She'll always be a thorn in your sides likely until she meets someone else, to distract her from the pain and anger she feels for your fiancee. All you can do is hope and if you do get custody of those two kids, have her slapped with a restraining order. Fight back, dear...and never, ever be afraid to protect those children.
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