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female
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anonymous
writes: I am engaged to a man who loves me dearly. We met 2 years ago and became instant best friends, it was like we had known each other our entire lives. During this time he was finalizing a divorce, his marriage had lasted less than a year. Her one dream in life was to have children, and she went to extreme lengths to achieve that. After not concieving right away, she went to doctors, adoption agencies, and even came home with a catalog of foreign children they could order! When they found out that he had a low possibility of having children, the divorce was fast and mutual. His family refused to listen to why or to support his decision, "no one in our family gets divorced" was their reaction. I was the only one he felt he could confide in, and in the early part of our friendship he told me that he was so extremely pressured into marriage by his family, that they just went to the JP to get it over with. He said that "at 33 you just assume that you missed your chance at true love and that you figure this love and this person are as good as it gets." Being 25, that feeling was unknown to me.After 1 year, we began dating and have not looked back. We both know that our relationship is one of a kind and how lucky we are to love each other with the passion and excitement that we do. We are now entering our 2nd year together and are planning our wedding. The problem is his ex-wife. Since they had been divorced, she had gotten back with her ex-fiancee. Apparently they were not waiting for a wedding to try and concieve. The end result is she is the one who is sterile, and her fiancee left her high and dry. Now she is calling and emailing my fiancee, with all her problems and trying to get him back. In her emails to him, she begs him to come home and is using her depression and sadness to play on his sympathy. My fiancee is the most generous and big-hearted person you will meet. It is one of the reasons I love him so much. But she is playing on that part of his character and using it to interfere in our lives, saying that he is the only one who can understand, how she made a mistake, and they belong together...I know all this because he and I read her emails and listen to her messages together!!! I went through a depression in college and he wants my advice on how to handle someone who can't handle their own emotions. I know part of him will always care for her and I want to support that side of him...She is now disputing "their" credit card balance that she has had active before, during, and after their marriage. She has lawyers involved, I think just to have contact with him. She is refusing to stop calling and even called the business he and I run together and refered to herself as "his wife" (present tense)after I identified myself while answering the phone. She knows we are getting married, and he has told her they are over numerous times. Yet, I am having trouble coping, and I am becoming very upset and insecure with the way she is interfering in our happy, engaged bliss. We have had a few arguments about it. We know how desperate and bitter she is being, and he has asked me to be the bigger person. I am trying to, but it seems I just keep getting mad and more resentful. I know he is committed to me and loves me, but I cant get the thought of this woman out of my head. What 35 year old woman acts like this, please someone help me understand her side...Any suggestions or advice?
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best friend, conceive, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, fiance, her ex, his ex, insecure, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): Keeping you aware of all the communication is a plus. Mine wasn't doing this at first. Reasons being to protect me. In order to build trust in a relationship you have to be honest about issues that may upset the other. Having a good communication and compromising an answer or reply together is the only way to cope. Until an ex loves herself this could go on for many years. Communication is the key.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005): Going through the same shit. Would love to have someone to talk about this issue with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2005): Your husband’s ex-wife is way out of line. It sounds like she knows how to push his emotional hot buttons. She's the past...you are the present. Your feelings are not wrong to feel this way and no, you should never feel uncertain or insecure for being honest about your feelings. No woman has the right to come in on your turf and mess with your relationship. You and your bf will have to stop all contact with her immediately and it will be up to him to tell her, firmly and he must not hedge on this. If she doesn't stop, the perhaps a change of e-mail address, change of phone numbers, etc...may have to occur to get her to back off. His ex wife is making life difficult for you, as many ex-wives do. A good relationship boundary is that you both should agree on taking steps to stop the ex-wife from continuing this. Obviously, his ex wife knows she lost a great guy and is going to big steps to interfere. When you commit to someone, however, who has been previously married, sadly you find yourselves committing to the family, in some cases, the children and sometimes even god forbid...the ex. Do I think this is an ideal circumstance? No, not for you it isn't and I think it stinks. Thus the past baggage of past relationships. This a potentially damaging situation for your relationship, stand up for yourself...even if you have to do it alone. Set some boundries and make sure he knows, you honest feelings over this issue. It sounds like you both have a strong relationship and he will honor those boundries. But you need to feel safe and respected in this relationship so now's the time to get strong and have a chat with him, hun. I wish you the best.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, innermind +, writes (22 November 2005):
You want to understand this woman yet you already have a great understanding. As you said, this woman is desperate. all she ever wanted in life was her own baby and now she has found out that can never be. When she found out this devastating news she was dumped. she realises now thats exactly as she treated your fiance. She is trying to turn back the clock, to undo what has been done because in her desperation she thinks that will make it all better.Depressed people do not think or act rationally, but with time and support she will come to a new understanding and hopefully move on with her life, just as you did.Its understandable that you feel insecure with all this interference in your happiness. You have a very loving, caring fiance. he wants you to be the bigger person and thats not easy when your're feeling insecure. Share this with him; you need his support to be the biger person. Together you will make your relationship even stronger.You have already shown yourself to be the bigger person in writing this email. It was never about "me", only about how you can better understand her. With such a caring attitude you are already 80% of the way there!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2005): I totally understand what youre going thru my boyfriends divorce will be final in 3 weeks and his ex who left him is trying to get him back. He was deeply hurt by her leaving and finally moved on...with me...and now she wants him back. Ive found that as long as I listen and let him vent about whats going on I will atleast know where I truly stand. For awhile I was getting upset about it and it was only putting a wedge between us...which I believe is what she was trying to do. Now I am supportive and I even have given him advice on what to do...it has brought us closer...and I am totally aware of all her contact with him. Youve heard the saying..."keep your enemies close?" Thats what I am doing...and it seems to be working :-) Good luck
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