A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with a wonderful man for almost 6 months, we always have a laugh together and have recently been on holiday together with his 10 year old son.He's been seperated from his wife for just over a year and recently she's been drinking heavily over the weekend. Almost every saturday night she rings my boyfriend begging him to go back to her and to dump me etc. One minute she's crying and the next minute she's swearing and shouting at him. I've asked my bf that if there's any chance of him going back to her to let me know now and I'll walk away, but he assures me that he doesn't care for her anymore and her actions are pushing him further away from her if anything.When his wife is sober she's fine and I've even given her a lift home and we get on ok. However, every time she drinks she doesn't know when to stop and becomes a nightmare, phoning his sister and threatening to phone his parents (for what purpose I have no idea) She's even called round my bf's house at 4am in the morning and threatened to smash his window through if he didn't let her in. He's naturally emotionally exhausted after any traumatic phone calls or visits and sent me home last night for my own safety incase she came round.My bf thinks she might be on the verge of a breakdown but I'm not too sure as I've been warned that she's a very vindictive and manipulative person. Even though outwardly I try to give my bf any support I can give him I cant help feeling upset and my confidence takes a bit of a knock. The situation is starting to wear me down now and I don't want to lose my bf by giving in..... help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): All I can say is all you keep updating the site with only shows that she does not have the skills to cope with life stresses, disappointments, and pain. She is suffering on her own with little support and it is hell for someone who, by her actions, may have had a very disruptive and/or abusive childhood.
With her husband leaving her and her Mother dying, she must feel alone, scared, abandoned and which would awaken her childhood demons and she will have a very hard time differenciating her past with the present. PAIN is intensified and unbearable for her so I wouldn't be surprised if she suffers further unrest and emotional upheaval. Already seems she had a nervous breakdown.
Glad to hear her friends have taken her to the doctor's and I hope they stick by her through this dark hour of hers.
My thoughts go out to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLatest update: A load of her long term friends went to see his ex last night - she had apparantly smashed her own kitchen window through & set fire to a few things in her kitchen on Sunday night in a drunken rage because he wouldn't answer his phone to her.
One of her friends took her to the Dr & she has admitted to suffering from depression. She has agreed to accept any help from Dr's & councillors etc.
One thing I forgot to mention: In the last few months she's lost a very good job through drink driving & her mum passed away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): Wow.
It sounds like his Wife has a drinking problem for one and that in itself is very difficult to deal with for you, your BF, the son, and the wife.
Most alcoholics are children of alcoholics and verbal, physical abuse is associated with this disease.
I agree this would all take it's toll and your BF may be struggling with the fact that he loved his wife and still partially does as their is history there and you yourself said she is very likable/reasonable when she is sober. This is natural. He may also feel like crap for not weathering this serious problem with her with outside help from counsellors and AA.
It sounds like wife does not have the coping skills for dealing with stress and turmoil and is caught up in the cyliclic self destruction where she turns to alcohol to numb the pain and rage and confusion of her past and present-alcoholics have little to no self love or self respect for themselves and wife sounds like she does not believe she deserves love.
Who has custody of son? Why isn't her abuse and threats not being documented by BF and his sister? The phone calls will continue as him even answering the phone is what allows for her to continue her rage and abuse.
I say cut out all phone communication for now maybe say 6 months. Her absuive, drunken threats are no longer to be tolerated. She will eventually get the message - BF can no longer be bullied, intimidated, abused.
Suggest she gets counselling and attend AA meetings. She needs the proper life coping skills and they can greatly help her and she will have the proper encouragement and will be assigned someone she can turn to in her hour of need to talk to about everything and anything.
BF wants to help wife, he can pay for counselling. He needs to tell her that he will no longer be in her life except a polite Hi for sake of son and then DO IT. This is how he will get his life back and his needed respect and dignity that his Wife no longer has for him. He needs to get tough and stay tough. She'll smarten up. She threatens to break his window, he calls the police. She comes over uninvited, he calls the police.
In the end, you decide if you can take what is in your life now and multiply it by 40 years.
Best Wishes.
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