A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.. I have been with my fiance for a lil over 4 years now. we are supposed to be getting married next year. At the beginning of our relationship i had some problems with his ex girlfriend. (he was with her for like 3 years). well the beginning of this year she writes me a message and tells me congrats on our engagement and that him and i deserve to be happy. She does have a baby now and a boyfriend / fiance (whatever she wants to call him). We got together in 2005 and in 2006 i suspected that he was talking to her and she would message me all the time on the computer and tell me that she was with him and stuff like that. We had some problems and i moved out for a week and went and stayed with my brother, we were not broke up but just giving each other space. in that week his ex was messaging me saying he was with me and he told me he loved me while we were having sex. (My fiance and I went and got tattoos on V-Day of our names in chinese) the ex told me that he told her that his tattoo said her name, i also used to look at the phone bill and see who he was calling because i didnt trust him. and then he called me and wanted me to come back home so i went back and while he was in the shower i looked in his wallet and i found a direct connect # and i asked him whos it was and he said a guy friend named steve and i knew he was lying because he would of just programmed the # in his cell phone. and then she messaged me again on the computer and she told me that he called her and told her that i found the direct connect # in his wallet.. he also had a pair of my thongs hanging in the mirror of his truck and she told me that she was in the truck with him and they went out together and he said no and then i asked her if there was anything hanging in the mirror and she said a pair of my thongs but he took them down when they got in the truck and he still denies it to me that she was in the truck. she said that he used to park his truck and she would pick him and up and then drop him off, she also said that he had my car one time. There are numerous times we were not out together and he could of been with her and she told me everything and i believe her (as much as i love him). i just dont know what to do, i dont know why he wont tell me the truth about the whole thing, i dont know if i can get married like this. I even asked him to go take a lie detector test and he said no, and i said that i will call her and put her on speakerphone and confront them both and he wont do that either... i dont know what hes scared of. I told him that all i want is the truth and he still continues to lie. Please help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know whose name it is. It is my name, we went on Valentines day together to get them. There is not 100% trust for him on my part. I do love him and i dont think that i should marry him knowing that he lied to me and if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me he should be able to tell me the truth and talk about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): lie detector or not, this guy has been lying to you for such a long time now. there is not trust on your part for him- how do you even consider marrying him with so many inconsistencies. rather lose 4 years than a lifetime.
as for the chinese tattoo- find out whose name he has.
this man will never change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): I am not sure what you want to hear, but I don't think you need a lie detector test to determine if he is a liar.
His ex has given you more than enough proof, and she may be angry at HIM for keeping time with both of you at the same time. Why she was willing to put up with this, I don't know, my guess is for the sex and the attention.
Same with him.
From the things you describe, my judgemental ways tells me that he is a man with no class, and he is a man who doesn't really respect women, he sees them as a means to an end and as "supply" for the attention and admiration that he craves in order to feel great about himself.
He isn't going to change, he is a grown man. You say you don't know what to do, sure you do, be ready for a life with a man who lies to you, sneaks around and cheats and may possibly put your life at risk with sexually transmitted diseases for the rest of your life or until he is too old to attract women.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...and a leopard never changes its spots.
Don't stay in a bad relationship because you have invested four years or fear the unknown in the future...it will only get worse and not better when you start demanding that your needs be met.
This relationship is a disaster and I think you should cut your losses and kick him to the curb.
But then I think I deserve better, what do you think about you?
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