A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years for an old love from interstate. My new boyfriend has also recently broken up with a girl with whom he was having a casual relationship, yet they are still spending a lot of time together. Whenever I bring this up as an issue he gets all defensive and says that they are not sleeping together anymore and that he shouldn't have to tell her to F and %* off and stop coming over his house so frequently because she is a "nice person." He also says that this means I don't trust him. I do trust him however I find it very strange that this girl comes over so often if she knows about me...wouldn't she rather spend her time looking for someone else? Plus it is early days in our relationship and I feel as if she is not allowing us time to date properly by getting in the way. I also feel hurt by the fact that he is so defensive of her, and would rather hurt me than hurt her feelings, despite the sacrifices I have made for him. How should I approach this situation? Please help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
I also agree with you both on this matter...He says he never really liked her that much, that she was just a nice piece of ass and that he can stay friends with her without anything happening because he doesn't love her...I disagree with this and told him I don't really care - I still think it's wrong to have her continue coming over, much like he thinks it's wrong for me to have male friends and ex boyfriends coming over.
We have had several heated arguments over this, and while he hasn't seen my point of view yet, he has conceded that he will agree to her not coming over anymore if that's what makes me happy (this almost infuriates me even more)...and something that has also annoyed me is that he's discussed my feelings about this with mates of his (mates of his who are also friends of HERS), without even asking me...that has made me feel like I can't say anything to him anymore in confidence...It really hurts me but once again when I bring this up he just gets all defensive and angry at me and I end up apologising just to keep the peace...
I asked how he is going to deal with the ex from now on, and he's said he will ignore her calls and not invite her over. However, they will still be in contact because she is his real estate agent, so there is no getting rid of her it seems...
Ohhhhh what do I do? How do I get him to understand where I'm coming from on all these issues? I am in a long-distance relationship with this man (see him once a month), and have made great sacrifices to be with him and I feel like he just doesn't care when it comes to my feelings...that he would rather be "nice" to her because she is a "nice" person and all his friends like her.
A
female
reader, simply.megan  +, writes (11 August 2009):
Ok my advice was taken by the prvious comment, haha.
But.. The whole (because I'm a nice peeson)line..yea, k I've personally pulled that one before and it was because I still had feelings for him and didn't wana let go yet.
And in a relationship, I thought the over the house frequently stuff was for buddies and partners..not exs.
I am still friends with quiet a few of my exs but never would you see them at my house expically while I'm in a relationship, and if my bf had an ex at his house I wouldn't be remotly ok with that at all. Reasons being, you had to have had significant attraction to that ex to have dated them in the first place. Weither its still there or not differs but it was there and who's to say it can't remain or come back within a day.(temptation)
On another note you had to have liked the person as a person to have dated them, so being friends shouldn't be too hard in most cases.
But if her comming over bothers you let him know that you want it to stop because its not comfortable. And if he is unwilling to let her go or make it from a home visit to a phone visit then he is unwilling to put that effort into you two.
Goodluck and I hope everything works out!
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