A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello - My husband and I have been together for five years. Two years ago I made a mistake and had a very brief affair, which I took completely responsibility and accountability for after confessing it to him. The past six-eight months have been amazing. I thought everything was back to normal and even better than before. My husband talked constantly about how much he loved me and he was very adamant about how he would never cheat on me or even have relationships with other women. I'm not the jealous type and I wanted him to know that I would always love him if he ever made a mistake, and he was always very, very sure to inform me that he never would. In the past couple of months some things have emerged. I found a love letter from a girl who worked at the hotel he stays at once a week. I also found out that a phone number that had been texting him who he said was his friend, Tom, in the same city turned out to be here. They were exchanging 30-150 texts a day several times a week, usually when he was gone or when I was at work or class. I confronted him and he said that after I'd cheated he needed a friend and they became close. He insisted nothing physical ever happened and nothing sexual either over the texts. He said she just got the wrong idea of him being friendly. Not long after he left his email open (AGAIN) and there was another letter from a girl asking why they hadn't talked in so long, she missed him, etc etc. This one didn't have the word love pasted all over it like the other one, but it still seemed awfully intimate. Then recently a girl who lives four houses up from me started bragging to my sister in law about how my husband was sexting her. He would not admit it until I had the exact wording of what the texts said. One was her telling him she needed a backrub and him saying what she really needed was his "throbbing c*ck" inside of her. Other than this, which is shocking me quite a bit, he's a great guy. He has a great job, he's a wonderful father, very involved, doesn't go out drinking or strip clubs, which is interesting because I've encouraged him to do things with male friends and he has no friends at all. Apparently he befriends women and then "innocently" gets caught up in them falling in love. Honestly, I'm exhausted. I confessed my sin immediately and took the wrath of my husband, family, and friends. I thought we'd worked hard to rebuild everything. I thought we were best friends. This last girl said he would tell her that because I had cheated he felt entitled to cheat. She lives four doors up from me. I'm incredibly embarrassed. I just don't understand. Please someone help me understand if this is worth attempting to save. If we got divorced, I'd rather just never get married again.
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affair, at work, best friend, divorce, jealous, sister in law, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, I appreciate you wanting to be honest here, but Honeygirl is more right that his reaching out emotionally to other women started prior to me cheating. We dealt with that issue from the very start of our relationship actually, long before we were married, and I had assumed it wasn't going to occur again.
I certainly can comprehend the extent of my infidelity. I'm living it right now. However, to justify his actions that this "never would have happened" if I hadn't done what I did is a little ridiculous. Perhaps his betrayal allows him some mental justification, but to simply lay all the blame on me is silly. If that were the case, then every single person who ever cheated in marriage would have to confess his or her sins, throw up their hands, and say, "well, looks like I'm in for a lifetime of being screwed over because I brought this on myself." What then? The other partner gets to do whatever he or she wants till death do us part?
I don't need black and white advice or a condescending attitude. I asked for help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): you opened a pandoras box when you slept with another man. i think you were naive to think that by confessing you could just pick up and carry on with your hb. your previous affair shows that your actions have had dire consequences in your marriage. hun, you hurt and betrayed your hb, you sold him out and yes he may love you BUT he is is hurting and wanting to puich you and himself by his apparent affairs. you should not feel embarred that he is having affairs, the embarressment should be that you betrayed him therefore it is payback time for you. some partners/spouses cannot and will not accept their wife/hb cheating on them. they do not want to admit it but they will NEVER accept and move on from the hurt and devastation of an affair. what you are now experiencing is your hbs self destruction. you just cannot comprehend the extent of your betrayal, can you. you started this slide into marital infidility and the moment YOU brought a third partner into your marriage was the moment your marriage started disintegrating.
sorry i am not telling you anything positive but i think you need to acknowledge the start of the demise of your marriage....it all started the moment you had sex with your lover.......and now this is the consequences of your actions.......messy and hurtful...........and just so uncalled for. if only you were faithful in the first place, then this would not be happening in your marriage. your betrayal is what is now driving your hb.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Hun, I would suggest relationship counselling because it sounds like there are some serious unaddressed issues in your marriage.
I would hazard a guess that your husband has been texting these women long before you had your affair, which in itself is a warning sign of something not being right in the relationship.
Honeygirl
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