A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello can u help me i not sure if im in a abusive relationship as i suffer from anxiety and depression i have a child with my partner of six years and iv deciced to end it but i keep questioning myself that im doing the right thing he likes to keep fit so he uses steroids and he has terrible mood swings and blames my depression on alot of things like if he cant find a jumper its cause im usless if he in traffic and gets wound up he says i should get out car i dont know if i feel safe but i love this man but im hurting aswell he has pulled me hair over silly arguments but i kept thinking il help him or its me with problems he call me a shit mother but he knows i do evthing for my two kids he wants to stay but he cant see why iv been unhappy can u give me some advice he is affectionate with me and tells me he loves me im not very affectionate with him inside he is a nice person but there is doubts whether to stick or go Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): The way out of this is not to successfully save him.
The way out of this is to have realized what kind of trouble this guy was early in the relationship, and then broken it off before you got this attached to him in the first place.
Now unfortunately you're just gonna have to break it off with him despite all the hurt. There's no other way to do what's right for yourself. I wish I could give you a better solution but there just isn't one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks very much for the help xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Hi hun
Hey, your not the first women to experiance this type of behaviour and I want to tell you that - IT'S NOT YOU!!
I do beleive you may well be in an abusive relationship. Partly because all of your words are showing concern for him, whilst not seeing that maybe you can't take this shit anymore.
Many women see themselves as the one to fix their man, fix their tantrums and excuse the treatment given to them by the ones they love. But you can't fix this, he has to. He needs to understand that it is not acceptable for him to continually throw insults and take out his frustrations on you. Whether he likes it or not he can't excuse this behaviour he needs to change it.
You have perhaps come to a place now where you realise that enough is enough. You say you have had depression in the past and this is something which you need like a hole in the head! You child will also be suffering indirectly with his treatment of you - AND THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM.
Space, time and understanding is what you need now. Staying in a relationship which is not working at resolving areas that are hurting or destroying ones spirit, will altermately create a far bigger problem down the track.
Maybe it is time for you to reflect and take a step back to see what has been happening over the years, consider if you are going to continue to experiance more of the same in the future, UNLESS HE SORTS HIMSELF OUT. Unfortunately, and I say this with experiance - YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM.
Don't blame the steriods - see that he, just perhaps by the use of them, is trying to be something he is not! And, yes, the steriods will alter his brain cells, but all of this is not something you should have to bare the brunt of.
Think about your child and how you are living. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that this is not something you can fix. Don't feel you have to make excuses for him, see that he is avoiding issues inside of him, which unless he deals with, will always be there.
Give yourself a break from all of his crap. Maybe tell him that you can't handle it anymore now. And maybe tell him that you love him alot but are sick of his tantrums and he needs to get his act together. Your both parents and it is time to grow up.
I would definately suggest you take a look at some of the information about abusive relationships. Frequently we just can't see how bad things could end up until we hit a low. Don't let him bring you into a dark and lonely place. Be kind to yourself and understand that he has issues!!
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 June 2008):
You say you want to help him.... 2 questions.
1. Do you think he is going to change unless he has to? By you sticking around and being a doormat, does this inspire him to get off the drugs and be a better husband / father?
2. Why are you not bothered about the fact that your children are growing up seeing this and learning that this is how mummies and daddies should behave: as violent psycho and punching bag?
Take your kids and get out. Your own health has to come first because you are a MOTHER and need to put your kids first. You can't do that if you are ill.
The shock of you actually standing up for yourself and walking out may make him re-evaluate what he wants in life. If he wants you then he might change his behaviour and stop taking mind bending drugs.
Good Luck!! xx
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