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female
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*andramf
writes: Mine is a rather complicated situation. I will try to be brief. I met my partner 5 years ago on the internet. He moved in with me, 60 miles from his kids (then 5-15yrs). After 2.5 years we moved closer to them. We had ups and downs. He could be moody, binged drank on occasion with brother, but only about every 6 months. I knew he suffered occasionally with depression. He had a very poor childhood - mother died when he was 10, father was abusive, he was taken into care and abused more.He met a girl who had a baby. She showed him affection, which he had never had before. She got pregnant so he stayed, and got pregnant again. He doted on his kids so would never leave. She threatened to take kids from him until they married, and she had more kids (6 in total, with her own).You can imagine it wasn't a happy marriage, with him not really loving her, but doting on the kids, his depression, in and out of work etc.When we met they were finally separated. He said he made the decision before the kids hated him for the way he was.As I said we had ups and downs, but we were ok, and loved each other. Two years ago his brother died. He was devastated, but did manage to get work again. Although he only seemed to manage 3-6 months in any job, even if he loved it, it wouldn’t take much to upset him.He started to drink more often. 12 months ago he met another woman (the local bike in his kids' town!). He went drinking with her more and more and got involved in drugs. He spent thousands, borrowing, taking, whatever. He started to lie more and more about things. His temper grew worse - whether through guilt, drugs, drink or a combination, I don't really know.Last New Year it came to a head. I called the police and asked him to go. He went to her. Once she got her claws in he found it hard to leave, drugs were too available, drink was too available, but for the most part he paid for it all. People took advantage of him and then spat him out.I could not stay there. I told him I was leaving, as he would not come back to me. He said he was afraid, and the only way would be for us to move back to where we came from. I had no family or friends close by, so I moved back to my mum’s house. Two weeks after I moved (6 weeks after he moved in with her) he joined me. Shortly afterwards he was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. This seems to have been the main cause for his symptoms or depression, drinking, drug taking etc. He still hasn't had the treatment (EMDR), just a little counselling, but on occasion he has gone to see her, been drinking etc with her. The period in between these visits has increased, but he can't seem to let her go. He says since meeting her he has done things he would never have dreamed of before, things he is ashamed of. Why he can't let go I don't know. He says he loves and wants to be with me, but takes out all his anger and frustration on me. Until he has the treatment I won't know how much of it is him and how much is his illness.I can read him like a book. I know when he's lying, I know when he sees her, I know her rings and texts her. I know he tells her he loves her etc, but I don't know why he is doing that. She is suicidal - or at least has tried (rather poorly) to take overdoses to get his attention. Maybe he doesn't want to be the cause of her death.If I try and contact her to say leave well alone, she will tell him and cause problems for me. She has already told him I have been pestering her, which isn't true. I don't believe she really wants him, cos when his back is turned she has other men, and I don't believe he really wants her, but the question is - why is he with me?If anyone has any experience with PTSD sufferers, I would be so grateful to hear from you. I am getting to my wits end. I love him so very much, but should I risk everything, my happiness etc until he is better - when I may find he doesn't love me at all?At heart is is a kind, genuine, lovely person, but I don't want to live with someone who can't love me the way I love him - and I don't want to be a lonely old spinster (I'm 42)
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (2 October 2006):
 Never mind about the lonely old spinster for now, cos at 42 you're not past it! Don't stay with someone because you don't want to be alone. Don't stay with someone who's hurting you. Don't stay with someone because you think you can save them, or that you can be the reason to change. He needs help, but not the kind you're giving or can give. You can't give him what he needs. What you need to do is give tough love. He has to want to get better. He has to want ot stay off booze and drugs. He has to get help IF he wants it. What you need to do is stop taking him back. No more chances. He has dependancy issues and so he leans towards people who can feed that. Unfortunatley you're feeding another issue here as you're sending him the message that what he's doing's ok because he's ill. Yes he's had a bad time and we should support people who suffer from PTSD like any other illness, but I'm sorry, this man may have started with that but it's developed into something a lot worse. All the other stuff is intolerable and you should not stand for that. Ask him what he wants from life. Ask if he wants help. Tell him if he does, you can help him find it. If he chooses to get better then give him the one ultimatum and make sure you stick to it; either he sticks to the plan or he has to leave.
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