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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How do I stop a guy from flirting with me - I never flirt back. I'm not rude towards him. I am just civil. But I am shy and he may get the wrong message. I laugh at his jokes, but only when they're funny. This may sound weird, but I don't think that he REALLY likes me. I have a feeling that he's flirty by nature and I've seen how certain girls react to him. OK. Most of them. I'm afraid that he likes me up to a point and the rest is just him being intrigued with the fact that I don't have the same reaction.I won't lie. He's handsome and charming, under any other circumstances I'd be attracted to him but I just feel insecure and don't want to be stupid. I don't even know if he's in a relationship or not. I mean, there's been talk of a girlfriend (big no-no for me), but that could be his ex. It would feel presumptuous to tell him directly to stop. Anyway, he's always happy to see me, pays special attention, finds excuses to touch me, spend more time with me, but does nothing. Again, I wouldn't mind his advances if I thought that he was genuinely interested. What I don't like is that he's a bit putting on a show for others around us. He'd openly pay special attention to me, say directly or indirectly in front of everyone how much he likes me without really doing anything (asking if he could call me, for one). I know that it may be for the lack of encouragement from my part. Then why does he insist?I don't want to "flood" you with details, I am not by nature suspicious, but it seems that he'll never do anything (he might have a girlfriend, or he simply doesn't like me enough). I don't find his attention ultra unpleasant, but it can be unnerving.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): Thank you HoneyPie!
Since sometimes I can't walk away, I'll try more to look busy with the phone.
At some point when we're alone I'll try to be more direct.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 June 2016):
 If you don't want to tell him directly, you might have to "resort" to more subtle ways and this guy? might not pick up on subtle.
Keep chat to a minimum - like hello, goodbye, thanks, you are welcome.
YOU do not have to sit and listen to his jokes or flirty stuff, if he starts, walk away or pick up the phone (as in look like you have better things to do).
Seems like he thinks ANY encouragement means interest and is a green light for him to go ahead, so that NEEDS to be nipped in the bud.
Personally, I'm more for the straight on approach, I'd tell him - "I know you are trying to be friendly but I find all this attention unwanted, so could "we" stick to JUST be professional here at work?".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): Thank you WiseOwlE.
English is not my mother tongue and that too can be a source of confusion. He talks too fast and sometimes I don't understand what he's saying.
I'll try with the touching thing first, since it seems most obvious.
I thought of taking him aside or waiting when we're alone and just tell him to stop. It's the "audience" I have a problem with.
OP
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): I gather he is sending mixed signals and you're not sure how to read them. It seems English is not your first language. There is a lot of ambiguity and repetition in your explanation. I'll try my best here.
When people play around with you, you have to be direct and ask them to leave you alone. It is not "presumptuous" to ask someone to stop playing with your emotions and making a fool of you publicly. Your shyness is giving him permission to say and do whatever he likes. This is now amounting to being childish in reaction to a very grown-up situation. You have to cut ties and ask that he no longer bother you. Period! Teasing is presumptuous if you don't really know someone that well, or they aren't laughing. Then it is no longer playful, it is harassment.
Just because someone is attractive, you don't give them permission to play with your feelings or touch you just for their attention. He's not doing you any favors by making you feel uncomfortable. He's stringing you along, and basically making a fool of you. It's time to make him stop!
Much of what you've described about him and how you react really doesn't make sense. He is interpreting your behavior, to be quite frank with you, as flaky. You seem very shy and naive, and not making any effort to stop the unwanted advances. Telling you how is only effective if you execute what we advise you to do. Asking and being too shy to do it is pointless.
Ask him to please keep his hands to himself. You feel he is sometimes making fun of you, you find that impolite, and it makes you very uncomfortable. If he isn't really showing you interest other than bothering you; it may be because you're not responding in a way he can understand where you're coming from. You have to set boundaries and let him know whether you want the attention or not. Time to tell him one way or the other.
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