A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 years and we just moved into together about a year ago. I feel like we have a pretty solid relationship and we've been through a lot together, I definitely don't have complaints about the sex at all, but I have been having trouble lately because I found some of his porn. Now, I have two older brothers and by no means feel that watching porn is weird at all (I couldn't especially because I do it too). Most of his porn is bbc and porn stars that he likes, and actually turns me on a lot -amateur- but I found some BBW porn and I mean real BBW. I'm pretty thin and fit but I have a big ass. I know that he's not gonna want to watch porn with women that look like me but it's a little unexpected. I tried to just brush it off but I can't...He recently got a tumblr and what I have noticed is that he likes links on pages that the women themselves post, meaning, it's not just porn re-blogged or shared, it's their own pages. That is also another issue I'm having and it worries me. Let me give some background. When we first started dating,about six months in, I found him on a dating website talking to, I would say about 6-10 women during the months we were dating. I honesty have no idea if he met with them or not or if he actually cheated on me cause I left it at that. I just told him that I don't approve and I know he wouldn't like me doing something like that either and he stopped or I trusted that he did. That was really early in the relationship and I don't feel like he's doing it now but it does explain a little the invasion of privacy by me looking at his porn. I know it's a really private thing, and I really don't want to confront him at all, as you can't control what turns you on, and he'll definitely just pull away from me. It's really not about controlling him but more about me understanding why it bothers me and being OK with it. But it's making me see him different and I want some real honest advice as to how I can handle it with myself. He makes fun of people who are big and also keeps an eye on my eating and how I take care of myself but why would it turn you on at all if it completely disgusts you in real life? I'm am very respectful of him but for sure can be tempted a lot, as I am sexual just like men are, but I don't put myself in a position of vulnerability because I don't really want anyone else.. I guess to summarize...1. I'm reacting on a deeper fear of trust and really questioning whether or not this is experimentation only or should I be worried that he could potentially do the same thing he did to me before, or are they unrelated ? 2. I don't want to feel like he's settling for me when he really wants something else. He does tell me he fully satisfied all the time I really wanna get back to a point where I'm not looking through his stuff. Sorry for the novel I'm sure I just wanted to get the best picture possibleReal, helpful and mature advice would be appreciated- I don't expect perfect solutions just wanted some feedback. Thank you for reading :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for responding, I didn't think anyone would answer!! (my fist time...)The Tumblr stuff kind of hurts me a little but I think, as long as it's not talking, that it's just men and how they are. I know a lot of this stuff is really how you judge the situation and how well you know the person. I feel really close with him, to which, it's reciprocated but this stuff makes me feel like he's one person with me and can be another somewhere else (it could be my paranoia talking, I wouldn't deny that). The amazing thing that I do find is the accepted hypocrisy between men (ex. BBW interest in social situations). I don't understand sometimes how it would be easily accepted criticize or make fun of slutty or "big" women but turn around and not have a problem either having sex with them or watching them in porn; it's what you were discussing earlier.Just a tid bit, he did say to me that I am the idea of the woman that he wants and what he watches does no define what he likes I'm glad I could get this off my chest. It's really nice to have an outside opinion, it helped a lot :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2015):
 BBW is fantasy, like most porn. There are women and men who are straight as can be, who enjoys gay porn, for instance. Maybe because there is a different angle on the
scenarios. Where most straight porn is all about the man's pleasure - female gay porn is well, ALL about the female's. Again.. FANTASY. Porn is NOT reality.
My husband's taste in porn is also very vanilla, BBW and I'm NOT a big girl at all. He also likes redheads. I'm blond.
I don't watch porn myself, but when it comes to "physical types" I prefer blond fit men. My husband is a brunette and well, not fit. And I still love and adore him.
It doesn't mean he ONLY gets turned on by big women. I think his "disgust" with big people is his way of hiding his "fetish" or attraction for big women. I think he might even feel a little ashamed that he LIKES looking at them as much as he likes looking as skinnier women. Doesn't mean he stops looking.
The whole Tumblr side to your story though... that I would not be very keen on. But unless he knows the women, it's not MUCH different from the more "anonymous" porn/pictures. And IF he does more than "like" their pictures then I would sit him down and talk over some boundaries. Because he "might" pretend think that you specifically didn't like him chatting to women on dating sites, you said nothing about Tumblr... Which he might see as a loop hole, and YOU and I see as no difference - chatting up other women IS chatting up other women. And if THAT is not OK in your relationship then it doesn't matter WHERE he tries to chat them up. He already knows that, from the past.
So in short, if he ONLY looks and LIKES pictures on Tumblr I think it's unrelated - if he is ENGAGING in chats and so forth - it's a repeat of the past.
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